You’re in love, you’re spending almost every night together yet paying rent for two separate homes. Is it the right time to move in together? The answer is: maybe, but it’s wise to be cautious about co-habitation. Here’s why. Let’s start with some data: contrary to popular opinion, living together is not an effective way to ensure that your marriage will be strong. Statistically, couples who live together prior to marriage have a higher divorce rate than couples who do not. It turns out that “test driving” the relationship by living together doesn’t work. Here are some other reasons NOT to move in together:

• One of your leases comes up and you figure you’ll save money
• To save on gas - no more driving back and forth
• Your other couple friends live together
• You hope that by living together the engagement will follow
• You like his/her home better than yours

This week’s theme on the SinglesCoach blog is Smart Dating: Using tools and structure to greatly increase positive outcomes. Unconscious dating means dating without any structure, plan, or awareness of the impact of your choices on your life. Unconscious = making lots of big mistakes; yes, you can eventually learn that way, but the price tag in divorce and multiple break-ups is high. Smart dating = being conscious and aware, making choices with some idea of future impact on your life. Again, you’ll learn along the way but with a much smaller price tag. The term “dating” almost represents a forgotten dynamic. In today’s world of “hook-ups” and other ill-defined relationships terms, it seems out of date to talk about dating. But that’s the problem: the “lost art of dating” has left us drifting and floundering in an ocean of confusion. If you want something new, something clear-cut and empowering, Read More...

If breaking up is hard to do, recovery is even harder, or so it seems. Heartbroken, licking your wounds, you may express your pain in a myriad of ways: withdrawal from friends and normal activities; eating empty carbohydrates or sweets (Ben & Jerry’s looks really good right now); drinking to excess; not eating (your appetite is gone); working too much; obsessively thinking about the lost love. But how long should you engage in this wound-licking, often dysfunctional, behavior? The answer is, of course, it depends. It depends on how long you give yourself permission to wallow in self-punishing behavior. Drinking too much, […] Read More...

Dear Nina: Is there anything wrong with dating just for the fun of dating? Yes, I understand the partner should not be misled. Generally speaking, it sounds as if you feel that if a relationship is not headed toward marriage, it should be over.   – Brian Brian: People date for all kinds of reasons: For companionship, for intimacy, to look for a significant partner, and yes, for fun. There’s nothing wrong with dating for fun – it’s human nature to seek companionship in life, to enjoy being with another with no particular goal in mind. On the other side […] Read More...

Thanks to services like Meetmoi and Zogo, you can bypass all the usual channels for meeting your soul mate and just dial her up! Speed Dial Dating is a new concept that’s being touted as better than online dating. Here’s what happens. You’re sitting in your favorite coffee shop and you decide that you want to know who you can meet in your immediate neighborhood. You dial in your favorite hook-up technology via cell phone, a signal goes out, and somewhere nearby someone gets your text message. You get to design your message, so it could be something as simple […] Read More...

Cyndi wonders if she’s all alone in the Big Apple, envisioning herself in a happy relationship with a good guy. Her friends tell her to “have a good time” (i.e., sleep around and live for the moment) while her dates offer up crumbs instead of a banquet (i.e., a threesome instead of committed monogamy). Up against that kind of feedback, it’s easy to understand why Cyndi has to work a bit at keeping her morale and her morals. First, hats off to you, Cyndi! You are adhering to your values and maintaining an optimistic view of life and relationships. Yes, Cyndi, I assure you, there […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I read your book Be Your Own Dating Service and loved it; however I found myself startled when I read the term “Westbound Train” because I realize, I think I am one! I mostly relate to the ‘I Love you but.. ‘ syndrome–In all my relationships I’ve never wanted to fully commit thinking there might be better. I’ve tended to never be fully satisfied with the person, only finding them attractive conditionally (if they wore their hair a certain way, wore certain clothes, did certain things etc.), and eventually break up with them because I feel like I […] Read More...

I run across stories like this all the time – “Living Single in a Doubles World” is a good example. Extrapolating from the latest statistics that tell us there are now more singles living in the U.S. than married couples, the message is that singles are choosing their status over marriage. But there’s more to the story. My question is this: If you met someone today - someone whom you found to be very attractive, someone who shared your values and was on a similar life path, someone who left you feeling all tingly inside - and that person wanted to be […] Read More...

Years ago, we called it “dating” or “relationship,” even if it was short in duration. If it involved sex, and it was longer than a one night stand, we tried to characterize it as a relationship. Now, it’s called “hooking up,” meaning that you’re having sex (oral or intercourse) but there’s not necessarily any love or commitment. Educators claim that hookups are starting as early as late elementary school and that it’s rampant by college age. So-called feminist writers argue that it is liberating for young women to express their sexuality freely without feeling the public shame of being called names [that […] Read More...

If you’re dating someone, long-term that is (one or more years), and you can’t bring yourself to make a commitment, take a little time and challenge yourself with these questions: Why am I in this relationship? Why is the person I’m dating in this relationship? (If you don’t know the answer to this one, find out.) Am I in love with this person? If you’re in love with the person you’re dating, then ask yourself what am I afraid of? If you’re afraid of pain, it’s time to come to terms with that fear. Life is full of pain. Suffering, on the […] Read More...

Nicole met Brian online through a popular social networking site. They quickly discovered an array of common interests – they liked the same books and movies, both were avid runners, and on and on. For weeks, they blogged, emailed, IM’d, TM’d, and carried on an intense online flirtation. Getting his emails never failed to make her heart skip a beat. He was a great writer – smart, knowledgeable about a huge variety of topics, and sweet to boot. Finally, she worked up the courage to ask for a phone conversation. And everything ground to a halt. He stalled, claiming to […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I have been dating a woman on and off for several years. I moved out of state six months ago and haven’t seen her but twice. The last time she visited, I noticed that she was distant after our intimate moments – not cuddling like she had in the past. One night when I was rubbing her back she said “you are smothering me.” Her distant behavior during this visit was very out of character. She has always liked being intimate with me but avoided it this last visit. I called her after she went home to tell […] Read More...

Dear Nina: My ex-girlfriend and I met on Myspace, emailed for a week, phoned for a week, then met for dinner and a walk. We dated for two and a half weeks, walking along the beach holding hands. Then she blew me off, saying it was just a friendship and she didn’t have time for a relationship. I was angry but I moved on. A month later, she called me, apologized and wanted another chance. We dated for three months and it went well. Her only complaint was that it was annoying to witness me getting mad at drivers in […] Read More...

As discussed in previous blogs, there is really no reason why two people can’t fall in love even with a significant gap in age. But seeking someone specifically because of the gap in age is not far from seeking someone because of money, looks, or social status. At the end of the day, there’s an objectification of other people at the bottom of these choices. Objectification means, in essence, not being able to see people for who they are, or appreciate them for who they are, but instead seeing them as a means to satisfy a need. The beautiful person you […] Read More...

Kathy thought she’d met her ideal candidate for a serious relationship. After connecting through a popular online dating site, and talking with him on the phone, she agreed to meet at a local bar. He was a doctor; even told her which hospital he worked at. He was charming and bought her drinks. It never occurred to her that she was in danger. The next morning, she woke up groggy, sick, and in pain. A visit to the emergency room confirmed the worst: she’d been raped and drugged (with something slipped into her drink while she was in the restroom). What Kathy now knows […] Read More...

Stacy is attractive and vivacious; men like her and are instinctively drawn to her as a result. But every guy she’s fallen in love with has turned out to be emotionally unavailable in some way. She’s clung to them through emotionally exhausting ups and downs until they finally walk away for good. Stacy is a love addict. Love addiction is a serious problem. For women, the way it manifests is usually different than the way it shows up for men. How many of these behaviors look familiar to you? If more than half of them do, you may be a […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I am a 28 year old male who likes a 22 year old female. She is very nice and is cool to be around. There is just one problem. I would like to ask her out but I seem to always clam up and can’t get the courage to ask her out. I guess my real problem is I am afraid if I ask her and she doesn’t feel the same way that I could lose a friend or at least make her feel a little strange when hanging out. So how would I approach this? – Steven  […] Read More...

How does an accomplished woman go about finding a suitable mate, meaning someone who is an equal in the general sense of the word? I have little time or energy to hang around the traditional hunting grounds and I’m not sure about dating services. What do you suggest?  – Marci Marci: This is for you and for all accomplished single women. I believe that today’s woman faces unique challenges in the search for a mate, especially if she is a person of intelligence and depth. The traditional roles no longer have appeal for this kind of woman. She tends to be […] Read More...

“I was so blinded to the fact that he’s too good to be true,” wrote Ann in her comment. “He may be perfect but only at times when we’re together, but when we’re not… he’s nowhere to be found.” To Ann, this guy is wonderful. No doubt he’s good looking, charming, and good in bed. Maybe he has a great job, maybe he’s smart. He’s probably not a guy with a criminal past, and maybe he donates to charity. All of that looks and sounds good, but it in no way translates to perfection as a man. Because there’s a […] Read More...

Dear Nina: What is the definition of a “rebound relationship”? Is it true they can be unhealthy? I’ve recently started dating someone who is barely divorced. My friends say she’s on the rebound. – David David: Rebound relationships occur very shortly after the end of a significant love, and sometimes begin before the end. The problem with a rebound is that it doesn’t allow time for the grieving and healing process to be complete. When this happens, there is emotional confusion. Sometimes, the feelings for the old partner simply transfer to the new one, and that results in the illusion that you’ve […] Read More...

Are you a guy who treats women with respect? Are you a guy who understands the value of courtship, who rolls out the full-court-press when you’re intentional about a woman? Have you done so in the past, only to be treated with some or all of the following: You plan ahead, call ahead, make reservations, show up five minutes in advance, wait in your car until exactly the time, walk to her door, ring the bell, and she answers the door with her cell phone to her ear, waves you in, and continues talking while still getting ready. 20 minutes […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I have been spending time with a man for about six months. We’ve had lunch, gone to sporting events, etc. Sometimes he asks, sometimes I ask (I asked first). We started out in a business relationship. I’m attracted to him so I would be interested in our friendship developing romantically. I don’t know how to let him know without making things uncomfortable if he doesn’t feel the same way.  - Carole Carole: I hear stories like this from women a lot. Your biggest temptation here is to take the lead and cheat yourself out of the experience of being […] Read More...

It’s your second date with the new guy you met online. You’re sitting at an upscale neighborhood bar sipping wine. He’s sitting across from you trying to make a good impression. He’s got all the right stuff – education, great job, manners. He’s single, available, and doesn’t appear to have commitment issues. Your brain starts to do a number on you. Half of your brain says “Wow, this guy has so much going for him – not like some of the losers I’ve met online recently. I can’t find a thing wrong with him. I really want this to work.” […] Read More...

Amy met Richard online. After a couple of emails, they agreed to talk on the phone. That went well, so they set up a date for drinks after work. Sparks flew instantly. After two hours and a bottle of wine between them, they moved on to a nearby restaurant hot spot. Dinner was fabulous; they couldn’t stop talking. Time flew and suddenly they realized it was late in the evening. Richard asked if he could follow Amy home to make sure she was okay. That turned into an invitation to come in for a cup of coffee. One thing led to […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I have been in an on and off relationship for a year and a half and I know it’s not what I want. I’ve started to go out with someone new (only a couple of dates) and I know I need to tell my boyfriend, who in the past has been possessive and jealous. What do I say, and how do I handle his questions?   – Carolyn Carolyn: There is no easy way to tell someone that you are moving on, yet it’s not fair to take those steps while keeping the other person in the dark. […] Read More...