What happens when you get to the point of “No matter what the outcome I will be okay?” I seem to have the problem now that I know I’m okay and don’t need someone, I don’t get close to anyone. There is an important distinction between individuation (basically, that I am a separate human being who is complete even when not in a relationship) and the fear of intimacy. You know it is the latter when you don’t allow yourself to get close to another person. As human beings, we seek the middle ground, but sometimes we miss. Perhaps at […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I have fallen in love with someone who thinks he’s in love with someone else. I still want to hang on. I’ve let myself fall in love with him, and I feel desperate to keep him in my life in some way even though I know it’s unhealthy. How can I break this hold?  – Julie Julie: The key words in your question are “desperate” and “unhealthy,” both of which indicate that you are crossing the line into what is referred to as love addiction*. This is basically a relationship in which you cannot get your needs met […] Read More...

For years I’ve written about the importance of communication in dating - being able to open up and express what you really think and feel; listening to understand - so that you can really get to know the person you are thinking of spending your life with. New research shows that being able to open up about how you feel is vital to women’s health. What this research tells us about dating is that you need to date someone long enough to get past the enchantment stage, get into some arguments, and discover your style of communication during the discussion of stressful […] Read More...

Sandy fell deeply in love with Greg over the course of their romance. By the fourth date she was sure he was the one for her. He seemed to return her feelings and their relationship progressed nicely until the fourth week. Suddenly, he stopped calling as much, begging off with excuses like overwork and needing time with his buddies. The more he pulled away, the more obsessed she became with trying to get him back. He began avoiding her calls and not returning her emails, and this sent her into an emotional tailspin. This story took a dramatic turn when she showed up at […] Read More...

Divorce is one of the most painful of life events, and for women it can be doubly painful because of emotional and financial dependency. Studies continue to show that most women experience a substantial loss in living standards post divorce. On the flip side, successful women who divorce often find themselves forced to provide spousal support for a non-working ex husband (the downside of our hard won equality over the past few decades). Trying to find the right resources when divorce is imminent can be very difficult. Emotions hold sway and thinking is often unclear. But there are excellent resources […] Read More...

New relationships can be full of excitement and fun, and if you’re on the same page, it’s a wonderful and fulfilling time of life. But they can also be the turning point for your life going in the wrong direction toward pain and heartache that can take years to mend. These dating missteps can be difficult to recover from, but watching out for and avoiding them can make all the difference in establishing a healthy foundation.  1.) Sex too soon – having sex before you have crossed the bridge of love and commitment engenders guilt and obligation instead of passionate attachment.       2.) Too much […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I work with this guy who is 30 yrs old. I just turned 40 but look 32. We have become great friends but it is starting to develop into something more. I do have feelings for him; we have kissed a few times but more on a friendship level. My problem is I lied to him; I told him I turned 31 not 40 because I was afraid he might reject me. I don’t want to lose him but I hate the fact that I lied; what do I do? Also, is it good to take this slow like we are doing? – Linda  Dear Linda: One of the Temptations of […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. I am a divorced mum of one child; I have tried to prevent further trauma to my son by remaining in the marital home. My relationship was very up and down with this man for the first four years and after many split ups he appears to be more committed; i.e., not going out to night clubs. The problem is that he is very jealous and upsets me when I try to do things on my own like going on a conference for my business or doing things with my friends. In […] Read More...

I’m a male, 33, and I’ve committed myself to stay out of the bedroom at least until there is a commitment and hopefully even until marriage. I feel that finding out sexual compatibility before marriage should NOT be a requirement. I cannot fathom being in love and then letting performance in bed be the deciding factor! This position makes it difficult for me to ask women out, as I’m afraid that she will demand an early sexual relationship. How do I stick to my principles and let go of this anxiety so that I can date?   - Matt Contrary to […] Read More...

Cindy met Bill through her tennis club. He was charming, good-looking, and he swept her off her feet in a whirlwind courtship. Pushing for a quick marriage, he proposed after only two months. Though she felt a few flutters of anxiety, Cindy accepted, hoping for true love. Six months later, she deeply regretted the haste. Bill turned out to be both alcoholic and verbally abusive, with the threat of physical abuse lurking in the volatile atmosphere. Frightened, she moved out and filed for divorce. Later, she reflected on how she had gotten herself in such a painful place. Something deep inside Cindy had sent up warning […] Read More...

“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting.”  – Mother Teresa Okay, so maybe we can’t always be the shining example of love that was Mother Teresa. But we can benefit from her example and her words of wisdom. If you want a great relationship, one of the milestones is realizing that most of the love you receive comes from the love that you give. If you think of it like “emotional muscle” […] Read More...

Now there’s a new way to meet your soul mate: adventure dating. The idea is that you sign up for a trip doing something that gets your adrenaline flowing; you look over at the person sharing your raft through the rapids and make a connection. I think this idea has some merit. If you’re into travel and adventure, and I mean adventure like climbing mountains and whitewater rafting, it can be difficult to date enough people to find someone who shares those interests. With Adventure Dating, you start out knowing that you share an uncommon interest. There’s an immediate connection […] Read More...

Let’s say you believe in letting a guy pay for your dates, and let’s say that instead of taking you to an expensive restaurant he takes you to a park for a picnic. Is he cheap or creative?The answer is: it depends. If he’s young and doesn’t have any money, cheap dates are a necessity. If he’s older and has money, a cheap date can be refreshing and different. What he spends the money on isn’t nearly as important as how he pulls off the date. If he asks you to make the food for the picnic and he puts little effort into the […] Read More...

Cherie writes about her Ex dating a crack addict while continuing to see her (Cherie) on the side. She asks: Number 1- Do we still have a chance to get back together? Number 2- Will he stay with her? She says, “he is in a rebound relationship and I don’t think it will last much longer.” Cherie, your focus is entirely in the wrong place. Instead of wondering if you can get back together with this guy, you should be wondering why you want him back. You describe the relationship as a drama-rama of fighting and breaking up, followed by his hooking […] Read More...

When was the last time you were kissed for the first time by someone new? I don’t mean a casual peck on the cheek. I mean a hot, passionate, bone-melting, knee-weakening, no-holds-barred kiss. Now ask yourself this: what happened after that? Did you hook up (as in casual sex), start a long-term relationship, or go your separate ways? The answer may have something to do with your gender. A new study tells us that the first big kiss means something different to guys than it does to women. For most men, a hot kiss with a new woman may be nothing […] Read More...

This past week, my friend George moved into a brand new house with his bride of two weeks. George and his new wife are blissful, looking forward to a life together of dancing, cooking on the grill, spending time with their kids and grandchildren, and loving each other. Just a little over a year ago, George was coming out of a long-term dating relationship that didn’t work out. And just three years before that, he was recovering from the death of his beloved first wife of cancer after more than thirty years of marriage. George has been through a lot. […] Read More...

Suzy asked: “I have been on four wonderful dates, I feel like this could be the beginning of a wonderful thing. How do I know when it’s ok to get physical? I don’t want to move too fast but I also would love to take that step.” Before I could answer her question, she wrote this: “We have been on 3 wonderful, wishing it never ends dates but somehow the last date seemed to have ended unlike the others in that he has bailed out of two other plans. He still texts and still puts sweety as the opening but […] Read More...

These days you can do almost anything from your iPhone, including background checks on the men you date! Dudorstud.com features one that is compatible with the iPhone and others; it enables you to check for bankruptcy, marriage and divorce, and home addresses over a period of time. But the real question is: is it enough? The answer is absolutely not! Doing a background check is one part of a smart “due diligence strategy” when you date someone with no social context. You met him in a public place, you met him at Church (yes, even Church isn’t safe these days […] Read More...

Karen has a long history of being abandoned or rejected by men. The latest, Seth, asked her out four times and seemed really attracted to her. He took her to nice restaurants, opened her door, and even kissed her good night. Then he stopped calling. What went wrong? she wondered. Before Seth there was Henry, whom she dated for eight months exclusively. Wondering where their relationship was going, she asked him to declare his intentions and feelings. He refused to answer, talking in circles and not making much eye contact. Shortly thereafter, he told her he “wasn’t ready” for a relationship and broke […] Read More...

Now there’s a web site specifically for the rich or beautiful. Not the rich AND beautiful, a significant item to note. If you are beautiful and you want to date someone rich, this may be for you. If you are rich and you want to date someone beautiful, here’s your avenue. But wait – could there be something amiss here? Aiming for beauty is the wrong target. Aiming for wealth (in another person) is the wrong target. Simply put, your primary target must be about the heart, soul, and values of the person you date. Focused first on the inside person, […] Read More...

Andie met Scott at a party, the home of mutual friends. After much consumption of alcohol, they retreated to a bedroom and a night of passionate sex ensued. Though he got her phone number and text messaged her for a few days, he ultimately disappeared. Andie understood that was likely to happen and let it go. Then, three months later, she thought of him again when their mutual friend mentioned that it was Scott’s birthday, so she TM’d a birthday message. That got a response of some witty TM’s followed by his request to come over and hang out. Hanging […] Read More...

“I refuse to let what happened to me make me bitter. I still completely believe in love and I’m open to anything that will happen to me.” – Nicole Kidman on breaking up Many years ago when my ex-husband left, I initially thought that this was the end of any hope for love in my life. It took me months to wade through the grief process – shock, denial, anger, deep grief, and later, a measure of acceptance. The divorce shook my mind, heard, and body to the foundation. One day, I woke up feeling just a tiny bit better, […] Read More...

Whitney Casey, my new gal pal over at the Houston Chronicle, aptly puts it in her article – Pillow Talk Makes For Estranged Bedfellows. (Look for my comments.) The bottom line: make sure you’re well-rested before you go on a first, second, or third date. Here’s why. Subliminally, we send and receive messages, powerful ones, in every nuance of those first few dates. Think of it like a job interview: it’s one time when you want to make the absolute best impression. Whether you realize it or not, your brain is scanning every available piece of information, searching for the […] Read More...

Is it possible to marry too young? Often people say, with hindsight at the point of divorce, that they married too young. But is that true? There are many very happy couples who married young and wouldn’t change a thing in their path of life together. The distinction is age vs. maturity. Maturity is often independent of age and vice-versa. A mature decision to marry is made along two lines: 1. do we love each other?, and 2. are we compatible? To marry for love alone without assessing compatibility is immature. To marry for compatibility minus a deep down love […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I read your advice regarding love addicton and I have also ordered your book. I can’t wait to read it when it arrives. My question for you is this…is it ok to forgive a cheater? I have just spent almost 4 years with a man who I thought was the love of my life. We had been talking about marriage and I have been waiting for him to propose. Two weeks ago I found out that he was seeing someone else. I confronted both of them and ended my relationship with him. He says he’s sorry and wants me to forgive him. I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. Can a couple truly overcome cheating? Is it ok to forgive or should I move on? Am I just addicted to the idea of him? This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I know that I love him, but I don’t know if I should forgive him or move on. - Confused, Michelle Dear Michelle: I hope you do forgive him eventually, although you’ll need time. Carrying forward resentment or bitterness hurts YOU, so yes, forgive in time. But forgiveness is only one small part of this equation, and just because you forgive doesn’t necessarily mean you go back into the relationship. There are many, many issues that must be resolved after infidelity in order to have a healthy relationship. Read More...