You haven’t had a date in three years. You haven’t attended a party or other social event in two years. You work, go home, watch television or spend time on the computer, go to sleep, get up the next day and do it all over again. In short, you’re in the singles rut. A friend persuades you to go out and socialize at some event over the weekend. As you get dressed, your heart starts racing and your anxiety climbs. You are in the Panic Zone – terrified of putting yourself out there again. But in the singles rut, you […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nearly 4 months.  We love each other very much and have talked about getting engaged and getting married. The one thing that has been sitting with me has been the fact that he is overweight and had gastric bypass nearly 3 years ago. I hadn’t “seen” his weight until last week when my therapist brought up her concerns over the fact that he is overweight. She thinks that if I continue dating him I’ll end up being unhappy in the long run.  He and I have a very open communication style and talk about […] Read More...

Maggie and Jake met through friends and hit it off big-time. For the first few months, anyway. Then Maggie noticed something new creep into their interactions. If they had any confict at all, Jake went into critical overdrive. “I can always find someone better to date,” he would say, lashing out in anger. He criticized her, verbally putting her down. Later, he would feel remorseful, apologizing and promising never to do it again. But, of course, he did do it again. And again. Maggie took a step back and asked herself, “Why would I put up with this?” She talked to […] Read More...

Fox news reported that Lance Armstrong broke up with Kate Hudson because she was “too needy.” If the report is true – and who knows since the source is an associate at his foundation and not the man himself - let’s look at what it really means.Men don’t break up over neediness. That’s right – even though that is an often cited reason for leaving a woman, the reality is that when a guy says she was too needy, he’s using that as code for something else that he doesn’t know how to define. The truth is that she succumbed to the […] Read More...

You can’t rehabilitate a wounded girl by loving her. Brandon found out the hard way through two years of turmoil with Brianna. She was gorgeous, even did some modeling at one point. But what really sucked Brandon in was her pain. Brianna had a long history of abuse that began in childhood and continued with every guy she dated. Brandon wanted desperately to show her that love, his love, could change her life. Brianna was unstable at work, so jobs seemed to slip through her fingers. She was terrible with money – she didn’t earn nearly enough for the lifestyle she craved. She had […] Read More...

I have been in an on and off relationship for a year and a half and I know it’s not what I want. I’ve started to go out with someone new (only a couple of dates) and I know I need to tell my boyfriend, who in the past has been possessive and jealous. What do I say, and how do I handle his questions?   – Carolyn There is no easy way to tell someone that you are moving on, yet it’s not fair to take those steps while keeping the other person in the dark. So, I acknowledge […] Read More...

Michael asked if he and his girlfriend have a chance at a healthy love and a life of accomplishment of goals. With multiple addictions between them, and a family history of addictions on both sides, they have many challenges. Here’s my message to them. Michael: first of all, I want to acknowledge you for sharing your story and for having the self-insight to be concerned about your future (and your future children’s lives). The first step in any process of recovery and growth is, as you know, awareness, and then declaring the truth of your situation. Second, the most useful way to view […] Read More...

Love Strategies August 15th: It was truly a mix of topics, starting with women leaving their marriages in droves, touching on honesty in online dating, and ending with an inspirational quote from Kahlil Gibran on love. Listen to the whole show here. This story appeared in the Dallas Morning News over the weekend: Why are women leaving their marriages? Journalist Christine Wicker cited anecdotal evidence that middle-aged women are not content staying married to the husbands with whom they’ve spent the past several decades. Confronted with mid life, they are questioning the decisions of the past, and many are carving out an escape path. […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I’m in a three year relationship. The hours that we work differ greatly and as a result, we do not get to spend the time together that I would like. My daughter seems to want to love her, but when I ask her to go and spend time as a family, there are an abundance of excuses. Even watching TV she will sit away from us and then claims that I push her away when my daughter is there. I just don’t understand what else I can do other than continue to ask her to join us. I […] Read More...

Dear Nina: What a God-send to find your site and books! I’m heartbroken after 1.5 years with the man I thought was the love of my life. I’m ordering your book Temptations of the Single Girl today and can’t wait to read it; I think I’m dealing with Loving a Wounded Guy. He was just ending a very painful marriage when we met, and I thought that all he needed was a good woman to help him heal. Because of his emotional fragility, I never brought up commitment or marriage, so I guess I Denied My True Desires as well. I […] Read More...

Dear Nina, I recently met a man through an internet dating site, we have been on a couple of dates and had a lovely time. The odd thing is that he only texts me between dates (no calls) and he had to cancel our third date due to a hectic day at work, and as yet has not rescheduled (it was a week ago today we were meant to meet). He texts every day and the texts are very flattering and flirty, and are starting to get quite cheeky- although I keep batting back with ones to suggest he may […] Read More...

“I choose to reclaim my sense of personal power.” Great! That’s a wonderful first step for you post break-up. Now you need specific actions and behaviors in order to maintain your personal power. I’ll start with a list of “don’ts”: Don’t call your Ex unless you have a specific purpose such as arranging to return belongings; in that case, keep it short and sweet When you feel the pain and resentment rise up, do not call your Ex while you are feeling that way; instead, take a few minutes to “download” – write your thoughts and feelings in the form […] Read More...

Ashlee was so excited about her date with Andrew. He’d promised to meet her at Starbucks at 10am on Saturday. She was there at 9:55. At 10:10, an eternity later, he called saying he was just a few minutes away. He walked in the door at 10:35, after what felt like another eternity of waiting, apologizing profusely. She instantly forgave and they had a delightful date. Their second date was at a restaurant. Ashlee again waited, this time for 25 minutes. He apologized but didn’t have a good excuse other than traffic. He also seemed distracted, often looking past her […] Read More...

Nothing grabs your attention more than having someone you love abruptly exit. It’s emotionally traumatic, meaning that there’s no way to prepare yourself for such a sudden loss, so it hits you on all levels. You’re sad and/or angry, you can’t sleep, you can’t concentrate at work, and you wear out your support network with long, obsessive conversations about why this happened and what you might do. Deep down, what hits hardest is the realization that you’ve lost all sense of control over the situation. Your Ex has grabbed all the power in the relationship. This situation, like all challenging […] Read More...

Sara writes: “Help! My boyfriend, after a 3 month intense relationship, suddenly backed off. Is there any hope he’ll come back?” Danielle writes: “What can I do to win back the man I love? He broke up with me after two years saying he wasn’t ready for a commitment.” Chris writes: “I’m in love with Kristen and she went back to her old boyfriend after dating me for six months and telling me she loves me! Can I get her back?” What all of these stories have in common is loss: the person you loved left, backed off, or went […] Read More...

If you read the post – Boredom and Relationships – and saw your partner(s), you may be on the flip side of this dynamic. Instead of being the instigator of drama, you choose people who will instigate it for you. Guess what? You are just as invested in drama as your low-boredom-threshold partner. But you will have difficulty seeing this since you’ve cleverly hidden it in the other person’s behavior. Stable relationships are not necessarily exciting relationships – not once you get past the early enchantment stage. If you tend to date people who keep things stirred up, who instigate […] Read More...

Dawn asks what to do if a woman notices that finances are a tool being used to control her. She tells the story of a guy who insisted on paying, despite her efforts to share the tab, on the grounds of being a “Southern Gentleman.” She rightly ended the relationship when it became apparent that he was no gentleman at all. How do you know if money is being used in an attempt to control? A real gentleman pays because he’s in pursuit mode for a real relationship. He’s happy to pay, not to create a sexual obligation, but because being […] Read More...

If you have completed your visioning exercises (see previous blogs: 2008 Intentions, 2007 Reflections, Current State, Life Vision Statement, and 2008 Vision Statement), then you are ready to set SMART goals for 2010. What is a SMART goal? S = Specific M = Measurable A = Action-oriented, achievable R = Results-oriented T = Time-based A SMART goal might be something like this: Land a new job in my industry by end the fourth quarter 2010 Join 3 online dating services and complete my profiles by end of January ‘11 Attend two singles groups or functions every month in ‘10 Arrange time […] Read More...

Since a significant number of singles (30% of men and 19% of women) using dating web sites believe that it’s okay to lie, that puts the responsibility for detecting liars squarely on you. But how can you tell if someone is being honest with you or not? First the truth about liars – there are some people who are able to con almost anyone, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you get fooled. And don’t expect to develop a 100% accurate internal lie detector. In fact, studies indicate that the average person’s ability to detect deception is about 50% accurate, […] Read More...

How do I learn to trust again after I have been so hurt in past relationships? The ability to trust, to open my heart to love and to be loved, is something that I consider my most precious asset in life. I recognize that I am in charge of it, of the ability to trust, and that it resides within me. Does the behavior of others ever affect that? Absolutely. The ravages of relationships gone wrong have certainly shaken my faith in love and caused me to question my trusting nature. From time to time, I have felt damaged in […] Read More...

Understanding and awareness are powerful first steps necessary for any life change. But if you stop there, so does your life. Action moves things forward; action creates real change. Nothing, even the deepest levels of understanding and awareness, substitutes for action. If you’re not happy with your dating life, get into action. Use these SinglesCoach forums to educate yourself, read my books, listen to my audio tapes, then put what you learn into real world action. If the goal is a great relationship, then the action is get in the game! That means you must actively search for and participate […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I’ve read your book, Temptations of the Single Girl, and I’m getting ready to read Be Your Own Dating Service and I really need your advice. I’m 43 years old and until a year ago, I have never been in a relationship, and I mean never. I wish I knew why, people tell me I’m attractive. I have had some weight issues, which could be one reason why men weren’t attracted to me. It hasn’t been from my lack of trying. I’ve known and liked different men over the years, but I guess I just wasn’t choosing the […] Read More...

Dear Singlescoach: I am a 28 yr old woman and I am dating a 17 year old guy. He will be 18 in 5 months. And amazingly this has been the best relationship I have ever been in. However, there are a few problems… His parents don’t approve (especially his mother) and my sister thinks I’m making a mistake and being foolish. Age of consent in the state we live in is 17, so that’s not a problem. But the town we live in is small and the gossip has gotten so bad about us. People are talking about it like […] Read More...

A growing trend in singles land is the attraction of a beautiful mind. Singles in major metropolitan cities are reporting that they are tired of the bar scene and wish to meet someone who shares their intellectual pursuits. Instead of standing in line at trendy bars, they are lining up for lectures and museum tours. The bar scene has always been the Plan B of singles, but maybe it’s time to declare “enough!” Meeting people in bars is fraught with difficulties, among them the necessity to screen for alcoholism. It almost seems like an I.Q. test, but many singles who […] Read More...

In a recent Time Magazine article, the report from decades of research is that marriage helps both men and women live longer and healthier. But if you read the full story, you find that for women the caveat is this: the marriage must be good for her in order for her to experience the health benefits. The biggest factor? How much your relationship causes your brain to trigger the release of the stress hormone cortisol. During conflict, our brains automatically interpret that we are in danger, and it doesn’t distinguish between actual physical danger and a social threat. That sends […] Read More...