Lee and Sarah share their heartache with a common theme: breaking up is hard to do but it’s clear that the guy was not the right guy. How do we know that? By looking at his behavior. In Lee’s case, the guy withheld the most basic expression of love, refusing to tell her he loved her. In Sarah’s case, the guy left her because he didn’t want a commitment, she took him back, and he left two years later for the same reason. Both Lee and Sarah allowed themselves to be drawn into an unhealthy relationship dynamic that hurt them. The awareness […] Read More...

If you read the last post – Boredom and Relationships – and saw your partner(s), you may be on the flip side of this dynamic. Instead of being the instigator of drama, you choose people who will instigate it for you. Guess what? You are just as invested in drama as your low-boredom-threshhold partner. But you will have difficulty seeing this since you’ve cleverly hidden it in the other person’s behavior. Stable relationships are not necessarily exciting relationships – not once you get past the early enchantment stage. If you tend to date people who keep things stirred up, who […] Read More...

Do you have a difficult time being alone? Do you feel bored if there’s nothing going on, if you have to just spend time with yourself? Do you get antsy, looking for hot, pulsing interaction? If so, you may have a low boredom threshold, meaning that you are easily bored. Most people when bored seek outside stimulation – call a few friends, try to stir up some action, get out, go find something to do. How does that affect your relationships? Couples, once past the enchantment phase, settle down to everyday living. Over time, the early passion subsides to some degree, […] Read More...

Since a significant number of singles (30% of men and 19% of women) using dating web sites believe that it’s okay to lie, that puts the responsibility for detecing liars squarely on you. But how can you tell if someone is being honest with you or not? First the truth about liars – there are some people who are able to con almost anyone, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you get fooled. And don’t expect to develop a 100% accurate internal lie detector. In fact, studies indicate that the average person’s ability to detect deception is about 50% accurate, […] Read More...

Susan was excited about meeting Daryl. They’d met online at one of the big dating sites, talked on the phone a couple of times, and today was their first date – lunch on Saturday at a trendy restaurant. She walked in the door, spotted a hot guy waiting for someone, but when she queried “Daryl?” he shook his head no with a disappointed look. Two minutes later, Daryl walked in and Susan’s heart plummeted. His profile said he was 6′ tall but he was actually an inch shorter than Susan, who stood 5’10” in her heels. His profile said he […] Read More...

Rick writes: I have been dating a woman on and off for several years. I moved out of state six months ago and haven’t seen her but twice. The last time she visited, I noticed that she was distant after our intimate moments – not cuddling like she had in the past. One night when I was rubbing her back she said “you are smothering me.” Her distant behavior during this visit was very out of character. She has always liked being intimate with me but avoided it this last visit. I called her after she went home to tell […] Read More...

In a word – FEAR. Someone once said that fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. In our minds, there are all kinds of reasons to settle for the crumbs with which we’ve been presented, all of them false: I’ve been single a long time and this is the best opportunity I’ve had My friends say I’m being too picky My family says I’m being too picky I’m getting older every day and I don’t know how many more opportunities I’ll get It isn’t that bad It’s better than nothing This may be the last train to come through the […] Read More...

Instead of crumbs, hold out for the banquet – someone who’s emotionally mature and stable, and whose behavior reflects it: On time for dates, ready to go! Excited and enthusiastic about being with you! Eager to share and be emotionally vulnerable; i.e., sharing life dreams, values, and goals Drinks socially or not at all; no drugs Responsible in life – has a good job, saves money, lives within means Wants what you want – a loving relationship leading to a lifelong commitment Makes an investment in pursuing a relationship with you! Now the tough question: are YOU a banquet for someone […] Read More...

Are you a guy who treats women with respect? Are you a guy who understands the value of courtship, who rolls out the full-court-press when you’re intentional about a woman? Have you done so in the past, only to be treated with some or all of the following: You plan ahead, call ahead, make reservations, show up five minutes in advance, wait in your car until exactly the time, walk to her door, ring the bell, and she answers the door with her cell phone to her ear, waves you in, and continues talking while still getting ready. 20 minutes […] Read More...

Ashlee was so excited about her date with Andrew. He’d promised to meet her at Starbucks at 10am on Saturday. She was there at 9:55. At 10:10, an eternity later, he called saying he was just a few minutes away. He walked in the door at 10:35, after what felt like another eternity of waiting, apologizing profusely. She instantly forgave and they had a delightful date. Their second date was at a restaurant. Ashlee again waited, this time for 25 minutes. He apologized but didn’t have a good excuse other than traffic. He also seemed distracted, often looking past her […] Read More...

Trudy dated Chris for five years. He was fresh out of a divorce when they met, but she thought he just needed time. Early on, he established the priorities. “You,” he said, “are a G priority. A, B, and C are my daughters.” After his daughters came work and other obligations, and then Trudy. Why she didn’t break up with him on the spot, she still doesn’t know. But after five more years of dating, she realized that she would never be a real priority to Chris. She tearfully broke up, still hoping deep inside that he would realize how […] Read More...

Explanatory thought: how do you explain the world and people around you to yourself? As the events of our lives unfold, they don’t happen in a vacuum. We are wired as thinking beings to interpret those events in some way in order to make sense of our lives. One of the things we tend to reflect on the most is relationships. Here’s the rub – the kind of explanatory thought we have about past relationships tends to strongly effect how successful we are in our future relationships. Negative explanatory thought on relationships - or “stinking thinking” – sounds something like this. “Well, […] Read More...

IceBreaker, a start-up led by two ex Microsoft employees, has obtained funding to continue with their mobile phone dating service Crush or Flush. This service allows members to surf pictures of other members via cell phone, choose someone in whom they have an interest, and if the “crush” is mutual, they can instantly chat via cell phone without giving away their numbers. Hmmm. Sounds interesting. Maybe a new way to connect using a new technology with the goal of meaningful relationships. NOT! A quick view of Crush or Flush’s web site portal reveals the real intent of the service – sexual […] Read More...

There are two reasons guys say “I’ll call you” instead of setting up a definite date. Reason one: he doesn’t know good dating protocol. In his mind, you have a date and he’ll call that day to firm up the time and location. He hasn’t learned that this is enormously frustrating to a woman, as it leaves her dangling and uncertain. Reason two: he likes to keep his options open and doesn’t like to commit. That way, he can always say later that you didn’t have definite plans and “something came up.” If you fall for that, he’s got you on […] Read More...

Melinda and Gary chatted on the phone for the third time after connecting online and meeting once for coffee. He was cute and she was captivated. Melinda waited for Gary to ask her out, and finally it happened. “How about we get together Saturday night?” he asked. “Sounds great,” she answered. “Okay, I’ll call you later in the week,” he replied. She heard – we have a date Saturday night. He thought – maybe I’ll go out with Melinda Saturday night, if nothing better shows up on my radar. Saturday rolled around, and Melinda still hadn’t heard from Gary. Frustrated, she waited all […] Read More...

It’s that time of year – wedding season! Look around and you’ll see the signs everywhere – bridal magazines clog the newsstand with models wearing glorious ten thousand dollar dresses. Jewelry stores run ads featuring thirty thousand dollar engagement rings. Caterers and hotels are busy pulling together the last-minute details for their clients’ hundred thousand dollar bashes. Let’s face it – we are obsessed with weddings this time of year! But where does the marriage part begin and what does it have to do with the wedding? In 2005, close to $125 billion – about the size of Ireland’s GDP […] Read More...

Julie has a teenaged son. Being a single mom, she’s a bit stressed out. Her son, lacking the day-to-day infuence of a Dad and a solid family, acts out. He talks back, doesn’t always comply with her rules, and sulks around the house. Julie wonders if she should tell men on a first date that this is the center reality of her life. What if a guy thinks she’s looking for a surrogate Dad? What if a guy shudders at the thought of having to bypass the hormonal teenager to court the Mom? What about you? Do you have something […] Read More...

David writes: My ex-girlfriend and I met on Myspace, emailed for a week, phoned for a week, then met for dnner and a walk. We dated for two and a half weeks, walking along the beach holding hands. Then she blew me off, saying it was just a friendship and she didn’t have time for a relationship. I was angry but I moved on. A month later, she called me, apologized and wanted another chance. We dated for three months and it went well. Her only complaint was that it was annoying to witness me getting mad at drivers in […] Read More...

It’s your second date with the new guy you met online. You’re sitting at an upscale neighborhood bar sipping wine. He’s sitting across from you trying to make a good impression. He’s got all the right stuff – education, great job, manners. He’s single, availalbe, and doesn’t appear to have commitment issues. Your brain starts to do a number on you. Half of your brain says “Wow, this guy has so much going for him – not like some of the losers I’ve met online recently. I can’t find a thing wrong with him. I really want this to work.” The […] Read More...

In last night’s follow up to The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman, Bevin Powers, the spurned woman, faced Lieutenant Andy Baldwin onstage for the first time since their emotional good-bye. Despite multiple attempts by Chris Harrison, the show’s host, to prompt Bevin to say something catty about Andy, she took the high road, demonstrating what real love is all about. She was real, she was transparent, and she expressed herself authentically. As she spoke, she modeled the tenants of real love: Wanting the best for someone else, even if that doesn’t include you Not making it all about you; recognizing […] Read More...

The myth is that the right clothes, hair, makeup and witty lines will attract the person you desire. Now we have a television series in which a dozen women compete for the attention of one man. In The Bachelor, anxiety runs high as they strategize ways to draw his attention and love. In the end, though, nature wins every time. He either falls in love with one of them or he doesn’t. Some of the former Bachelors have married the women they picked, most have not. In one of the rare instances of reality teleivision mirroring real life, we find that on The Bachelor, relationships cannot […] Read More...

If the following checklist looks familiar to you, you may be a drama junkie. In essence, it means that you are drawn to people and situations that get your adrenaline flowing both in the positive and the negative. The positive highs in relationships are primarily associated with the earliest enchantment phase of love, so those feelings are not sustainable at a high level over time. Once the initial enchantment period fades, the drama junkie has to find other ways to get his or her “fix.” The following are examples, behavior patterns, that indicate you or someone you love may have this issue: Inability […] Read More...

Harry dates women with problems, big problems. Katie was bulemic and had a drinking problem. He tried to help her in every way possible, but she dumped him for another guy after eight months. Then there was Melinda, who lost her job but maintained her lifestyle through credit card debt. After bailing her out multiple times financially, thinking they were in a committed relationship, he was stunned to see her at a bar one night hanging all over some other guy. That night, the text messages and phone calls flew furiously for hours, many of them abusive exchanges that did a […] Read More...

Sherry and Bobby have been dating for three years. She says they connect in every way except one. He’s not interested in moving toward marriage. She is very interested in marriage. What do they share? The chemistry is good, their intellectual connection is strong, and they love each other. They share the same basic values in life. Think of a house, one that sits solidly on its foundation and isn’t likely to blow over in a strong wind or float away in a bit of heavy rain. The house, which we’ll use as an analogy for a relationship, has a […] Read More...

Teddy writes: My ex-girlfriend, who just broke up with me, sent me here to read this blog and this post, probably because I am not interested in marriage right now and don’t think I ever will be and when I told her that she got pretty pissed and walked. I don’t think I have “a paralyzing fear of commitment”; it is just that marriage doesn’t seem like something I would ever want. It seems that you think marriage is for everyone. Is there really anything wrong with not wanting to ever get married? Dear Teddy: I actually say the opposite: marriage […] Read More...