Nykie writes: I went on a first date, asking lots of questions because I’m serious about finding the right guy. He did all the talking. We didn’t particularly click but I still want to get to know him. It’s been over a week and I haven’t heard from him. What could I have done better? Dear Nykie: The short answer is – probably nothing. Sometimes you just don’t connect with someone on a first date, and it’s not that you did anything wrong. Sometimes the guy just doesn’t feel the sparks – and it sounds like you didn’t feel the […] Read More...

What in your life is blocking you from love? Keri thought she was doing everything possible to attract a good man into her life, but somehow it wasn’t happening. Then she asked a coach to help her discover what wasn’t working. Acting on a hunch, the coach asked to see her home and what she found illuminated the situation. Keri’s bedroom looked like that of a teenage girl – all frills, flowers, and even stuffed animals. Her closet was stuffed to the hilt with no room for a guy to hang his clothes there. The rest of her home exactly mirrored […] Read More...

How does love show up in your life now? Are you lonely, searching for a soul mate and instead finding losers and misfits? Are you anxious for that moment of letting go, breathing deeply, and finally feeling loved? Are you discouraged by the number of truly bad dates you’ve had? Are you discouraged by the lack of dates? If this is you, there’s good news and bad news ahead for you. First, the bad news. The bad news is that you are creating your situation. That’s right – whatever is happening now in your love life is a result of all the […] Read More...

What is a co-dependent relationship and how do you know if you’re in one? Co-dependent means that you manage your relationship so that one or both of you can maintain unhealthy behavior (whether you realize it or not). For example, one of you drinks to excess. The other avoids taking a stand; i.e., putting your foot down and making it clear that you will not tolerate the behavior. Instead, you nag, complain, whine, manipulate, talk about it endlessly with others, capitulate, get angry, give in, and even join in the behavior (get drunk with them). None of those things is […] Read More...

Paul asks if he’s wounded to be so drawn to someone who clearly has huge issues (financial, single parenting, emotional, etc.). He wonders what it means about him that he struggles over whether or not to re-engage with this beautiful woman. The answer is that yes, it does indicate something about you if you are drawn to someone who doesn’t have her act together in life. What does it mean? When you are drawn to very wounded people, and you choose to connect with them, it indicates that you’re putting off your own inner work in favor of helping someone else […] Read More...

You give out free passes on commitment when you buy into others’ stories of hardship and loss. Empathizing and sympathizing, you may figure that all you have to do is love them enough and they will come around. But did you stop to think about your own losses and how they’ve impacted you? You have loved and lost as well, yet that doesn’t stop you from wanting and being willing to give a commitment to someone new. The only cure for loss and pain in the past is to create love and connection in the present. That doesn’t mean you dive into the first warm […] Read More...

When Ava met Connor, she was blown away by the instantaneous, pulse-racing chemistry she felt with him. But from the beginning, he spoke in code, using phrases like “it’s great to get to know someone without any pressure” and “being friends is what’s important” and “I don’t believe in saying I love you because it’s so trite – everyone says it but they don’t mean it.” Meanwhile, they were sleeping together and she was falling madly in love. It took Ava months to crack the code, but she finally realized that what he was saying was “I don’t want to make […] Read More...

Now there’s a web site specifically for the rich or beautiful. Not the rich AND beautiful, a significant item to note. If you are beautiful and you want to date someone rich, this may be for you. If you are rich and you want to date someone beautiful, here’s your avenue. But wait – could there be something amiss here? Aiming for beauty is the wrong target. Aiming for wealth (in another person) is the wrong target. Simply put, your primary target must be about the heart, soul, and values of the person you date. Focused first on the inside person, […] Read More...

Thanks to services like Meetmoi and Zogo, you can bypass all the usual channels for meeting your soul mate and just dial her up! Speed Dial Dating is a new concept that’s being touted as better than online dating. Here’s what happens. You’re sitting in your favorite coffee shop and you decide that you want to know who you can meet in your immediate neighborhood. You dial in your favorite hook-up technology via cell phone, a signal goes out, and somewhere nearby someone gets your text message. You get to design your message, so it could be something as simple […] Read More...

Out of sheer frustration with the roller-coaster ride of highly passionate yet dysfunctional relationships, you decide to sit down and make a list. Intelligent, attractive, self-caring, shares my values, no drugs, shares my interests – these are the kinds of items that comprise “the list.” Then you look around and the first person who fits the list you may be tempted to grab. Couples often marry based primarily on matching lists. But something vital can be left out of that transaction. Marrying for your list, while essential, is not enough. Once you realize that your lists match, you must then enter the journey of […] Read More...

You can’t rehabilitate a wounded girl by loving her. James found out the hard way through two years of turmoil with Brianna. She was gorgeous, even did some modeling at one point. But what really sucked James in was her pain. Brianna had a long history of abuse that began in childhood and continued with every guy she dated. James wanted desperately to show her that love, his love, could change her life. Brianna was unstable at work, so jobs seemed to slip through her fingers. She was terrible with money – she didn’t earn nearly enough for the lifestyle she […] Read More...

You can’t rehabilitate an unstable guy with love. Paula found that out the hard way. She met Sam at a bar during girls night out with three of her closest gal pals. He sent a drink to her table and when she spotted him across the room, he was so cute he took her breath away. Later, he wandered over and asked for her number which she readily provided. Thus began a hot and heavy romance that almost drove Paula crazy. Sam was hot and their chemistry was over the top fabulous. She of course slept with him on their second […] Read More...

At a lively Shabbat singles event, host and writer David Suissa posed the question: Why is it so hard to find a soul mate? The group’s conclusion, after several glasses of wine and much debate: You can’t expect a soul mate connection if you date superficially (i.e., protecting yourself, not being vulnerable, not seeking to know the other person on a deep level). How magnificent and how true. David’s conclusion: maybe we should marry first, then date. Marry first, then date means, in essence, that dating is about relating. Dating (when used in the most effective way) is about finding out who […] Read More...

Pete writes: I’m in a three year relationship. The hours that we work differ greatly and as a result, we do not get to spend the time together that I would like. My daughter seems to want to love her, but when I ask her to go and spend time as a family, there are an abundance of excuses. Even watching TV she will sit away from us and then claims that I push her away when my daughter is there. I just don’t understand what else I can do other than continue to ask her to join us. I […] Read More...

What happens during relationship conflict when a man feels unsafe emotionally? When emotionally triggered, our brains are wired to send us into “fight or flight.” One way of fleeing is to clam up, withdraw. Observation over two decades of counseling men and women has demonstrated that this occurs when men feel emotionally unsafe. What makes men feel unsafe? Men feel unsafe when a woman attacks, accuses, blames, and generally conveys the notion that the guy is failing her (in her eyes). But what causes a woman to engage in such destructive behavior? Typically, a woman feels angry toward her man because […] Read More...

The latest study on interpersonal communication refutes the old stereotype of women as chatterboxes and men as silent and strong. A U.T. Austin research team recorded conversations of university students in a variety of settings and determined that femals spoke an average of 16,215 words per day while males spoke an average of 15,669 words per day, basically a dead heat. This is the first study of its kind, so it doesn’t address a myriad of questions, such as whether or not this proprotion of talk holds up as people age. It turns out that there’s never been any real […] Read More...

Nick says that when a guy isn’t interested in marriage, it’s usually because he’s not interested in HER (the particular woman he’s dating at that time), at least not interested enough to think of her as a future wife. He validates the reality that putting the question of marriage on the table early is uncomfortable. That’s the point of doing it. When a guy is uncomfortable talking about marriage as a future goal, he may be sitting in front of the wrong woman. When he can’t engage in a discussion about marriage as a life goal, it may indicate that he’s […] Read More...

Guys prefer straight talk. Is it easy to do from a woman’s perspective? Not for most women. Women are socialized to be nice, and maybe we’re a bit hard-wired that way as well. For thousands of years (and it’s only begun to change in the last fifty years), women’s survival depending upon men – first on father, then on husband. In some of the most highly-populated areas of our planet women still depend heavily on men for survival. So it makes sense that in order to maintain the attachment to a man (i.e., the ticket to survival), a woman had […] Read More...

Tracie met Todd at a work function. He asked her out and she didn’t have anything better to do so she accepted. That night, they drank wine and as the alcohol loosened her up, Tracie found that kissing Todd didn’t seem like such a bad idea. She flirted with him, they kissed a lot, and the next day – surprise, surprise – he called to ask for another date. Again, Tracie accepted, and again, they had a fun evening, augmented by the bottle of wine they shared. Lots of kissing again took place, but the next day Tracie was far […] Read More...

Steve writes: I have a dilemma. I recently bumped into my boss at an engagement party. We drank wine, talked, flirted, and kissed a little afterwards. I asked her out the following week and she accepted. We went out, drank some wine, had a great time, flirted and kissed again. When I dropped her off, she said we couldn’t date because of our professional relationship, saying she didn’t want to get in trouble at work. Since then, she will talk but won’t initiate a call back to me. I feel like I’m getting mixed signals. I’d like to date her […] Read More...

Cyndi wonders if she’s all alone in the Big Apple, envisioning herself in a happy relationship with a good guy. Her friends tell her to “have a good time” (i.e., sleep around and live for the moment) while her dates offer up crumbs instead of a banquet (i.e., a threesome instead of committed monogamy). Up against that kind of feedback, it’s easy to understand why Cyndi has to work a bit at keeping her morale and her morals. First, hats off to you, Cyndi! You are adhering to your values and maintaining an optimistic view of life and relationships. Yes, Cyndi, I assure you, there […] Read More...

Ever hear the expression “practice makes perfect?” Well, it’s not true. Only perfect practice makes perfect. Champion athletes often use visualization processes in which they see themselves making the perfect shot or scoring the touchdown. They visualize themselves practicing perfectly, feel the success of the moment, and thus actually carve out neural pathways for success. That makes it much easier when in the game to re-enact what was perfectly practiced mentally. Sometimes people ask “why does it matter if I do something today that’s not in my best interest long-term, as long as it feels good and doesn’t hurt anyone?” […] Read More...

When should you start dating again? The answer is, of course, it depends. It depends on how much emotional baggage you want to drag forward into your new relationship. The more baggage you have (steamer trunks vs. carry on), the less likely you are to have a loving, lasting relationship in the future. If you are the Dumper, your baggage is more likely to be in the form of unresolved guilt and either over or under-responsibility. Because leaving can be so hard, some people emotionally shut down or cut off real communication in order to move forward. This coping mechanism, while it […] Read More...

In every breakup there are two roles: the Dumper and the Dumpee. Put it another way, the person who actually says “I’m outta here” and the person who is left behind. Sometimes we try to save face by agreeing that yes, it’s over, when the other person says they’re leaving. But almost always there is one person who is the first to throw in the towel emotionally. That person usually faces one set of emotions while the other person usually faces a different set of emotions. If you threw in the towel first, you are more likely to experience guilt. Dumpers […] Read More...

If breaking up is hard to do, recovery is even harder, or so it seems. Heartbroken, licking your wounds, you may express your pain in a myriad of ways: withdrawal from friends and normal activities; eating empty carbohydrates or sweets (Ben & Jerry’s looks really good right now); drinking to excess; not eating (your appetite is gone); working too much; obsessively thinking about the lost love. But how long should you engage in this wound-licking, often dysfunctional, behavior? The answer is, of course, it depends. It depends on how long you give yourself permission to wallow in self-punishing behavior. Drinking too much, […] Read More...