Are you dating someone new – say, less than six months? Are you wondering what kind of gift to give, and what to expect? Here are some basic guidelines to help you decide appropriate gift giving in new dating relationships. First, make an assessment: how involved are we at this point? Have you said “I love you”? Are you sleeping together, exclusive? Are you talking about future, meeting each other’s relatives? If you’re at this level of involvement, then your gifts should reflect it. For him two or three nice but not highly expensive gifts: high end sweater, shirt, ties, bottle of […] Read More...

It’s that time of year again – holiday music playing, parties and merry-making, couples strolling along laughing, family, and all the trimmings. If you’re not in a relationship, all the holiday trappings in the world may not stave off your feelings of loneliness. At parties, you may be the odd man out (or odd woman out). What can you do besides turn into Scrooge, mutter “bah humbug!” and withdraw? Being single during the holidays doesn’t have to mean suffering through and praying for the day after New Year. It can actually be an opportunity, if you choose to look at it […] Read More...

A soul mate is a person with whom you feel a deep connection that may even defy logic. In love relationships, the term soul mate includes a sexual connection. Many happy, fulfilled long-term couples consider themselves soul mates. But I want to discuss the kind of soul mate connection that doesn’t work in the long run. For lack of a better phrase, let’s call them soul mates on steroids (SMOS). SMOS connections are more painful than positive in the long run. The highs are very high, but the lows are very low in these highly charged, intense relationships. Why? Because familiarity and commitment lower intensity while yearning and conflict […] Read More...

If you’re dating someone, long-term that is (one or more years), and you can’t bring yourself to make a commitment, take a little time and challenge yourself with these questions: Why am I in this relationship? Why is the person I’m dating in this relationship? (If you don’t know the answer to this one, find out.) Am I in love with this person? If you’re in love with the person you’re dating, then ask yourself what am I afraid of? If you’re afraid of pain, it’s time to come to terms with that fear. Life is full of pain. Suffering, on the […] Read More...

When was the last time you were kissed for the first time by someone new? I don’t mean a casual peck on the cheek. I mean a hot, passionate, bone-melting, knee-weakening, no-holds-barred kiss. Now ask yourself this: what happened after that? Did you hook up (as in casual sex), start a long-term relationship, or go your separate ways? The answer may have something to do with your gender. A new study tells us that the first big kiss means something different to guys than it does to women. For most men, a hot kiss with a new woman may be nothing […] Read More...

As discussed in previous blogs, there is really no reason why two people can’t fall in love even with a significant gap in age. But seeking someone specifically because of the gap in age is not far from seeking someone because of money, looks, or social status. At the end of the day, there’s an objectification of other people at the bottom of these choices. Objectification means, in essence, not being able to see people for who they are, or appreciate them for who they are, but instead seeing them as a means to satisfy a need. The beautiful person you […] Read More...

Brad, a forty-something single guy, set up a fake female profile on a popular dating web site. He deliberately used strong language such as – “If you’re the kind of guy who calls women up and asks ‘so, what do you want to do tonight?’ don’t bother.” He stated “no girly men.” Brad wanted to find out what kind of responses he might get and what he could learn before setting up his own profile. Brad got 40 to 50 emails per day from his fake profile. But the real surprise, as he shared with me, was that almost none […] Read More...

Now there’s a new way to meet your soul mate: adventure dating. The idea is that you sign up for a trip doing something that gets your adrenaline flowing; you look over at the person sharing your raft through the rapids and make a connection. I think this idea has some merit. If you’re into travel and adventure, and I mean adventure like climbing mountains and whitewater rafting, it can be difficult to date enough people to find someone who shares those interests. With Adventure Dating, you start out knowing that you share an uncommon interest. There’s an immediate connection […] Read More...

Dear Singlescoach: I read your book Be Your Own Dating Service and loved it; however I found myself startled when I read the term “Westbound Train” because I realize, I think I am one! I mostly relate to the ‘I Love you but.. ‘ syndrome–In all my relationships I’ve never wanted to fully commit thinking there might be better. I’ve tended to never be fully satisfied with the person, only finding them attractive conditionally (if they wore their hair a certain way, wore certain clothes, did certain things etc.), and eventually break up with them because I feel like I […] Read More...

There are about as many definitions of soul mate as you can imagine. We’ve been trying to define this term for literally thousands of years to no avail. I’ll try to cut through the confusion by offering mine. A soul mate is a person with whom you feel a deep connection that may even defy logic. For example, a soul mate can be a close friend who lives a very different life than yours, yet you pick up the old thread instantly no matter how much time has passed since your last connection. A soul mate can be a friend, […] Read More...

Dear Singlescoach, I recently got back together with a man I dated for four months and broke up with because of a lack of emotional depth in our conversations. He contacted me later, we discussed the issue, and it was like a light bulb came on for him. After that, we took our communication to a new level of sharing thoughts, emotions, desires, fears, and so on. We are now falling in love at the same level after six weeks of talking at this deeper level (we are in a long distance relationship). After our most recent visit, our telephone conversations […] Read More...

Shanice is still struggling with her commitmentphobic boyfriend. My advice: Shanice: you stop the merry-go-round by getting off of it yourself. Even though you feel like a puppet on his string, the truth is that you are the master of your own reactions and behavior. You will feel back in control of your life when you start making decisions based on your own best interests instead of waiting to see what he will do, reacting to his behavior. Getting back together should only be after honest, open communication about your needs. That means sitting down together calmly and rationally to […] Read More...

Shanice and Samantha are commiserating about the pain of dating a commitmentphobe. They’re not alone – lots of women are facing this. Maybe they didn’t see it coming – mistaking hesitancy to commit for other things (i.e., he just needs more time). However they got there, the pain is real for them. If you are dating a commitmentphobe, the first step for you is to acknowledge the truth: over his problem you have NO CONTROL. That’s right – NO CONTROL. That means that you absolutely, positively, definitely, and certainly CANNOT FIX IT. No matter how patiently you wait, no matter […] Read More...

Dear Singlescoach:  I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month and a half. I was staying at his house knowing he wanted some space. He says he has his own issues to work out. He was single for six years before we got together and I walked away from a ten year relationship I wasn’t happy in because this guy made me happy and made me feel “alive” again. He hasn’t called or talked to me in about four days and packed up items I left at his house and dropped them off at our friends house including a […] Read More...

She accepts dates, but often cancels at the last minute with lame excuses. She says pick her up at 7:00, but makes you wait until 8:00 while she dresses (and drinks her first two glasses of wine). She returns your kisses and sleeps with you, then doesn’t return your calls for the next two weeks. She cries about her financial woes, takes your money, then tells you that she’s gone back to her old boyfriend. Who is this woman? She’s the Heartbreak Princess. Here’s how to land this charming lass: If she’s hot, don’t look past that to discern character; […] Read More...

Dear Singlescoach: I am a 28 yr old woman and I am dating a 17 year old guy. He will be 18 in 5 months. And amazingly this has been the best relationship I have ever been in. However, there are a few problems… His parents don’t approve (especially his mother) and my sister thinks I’m making a mistake and being foolish. Age of consent in the state we live in is 17, so that’s not a problem. But the town we live in is small and the gossip has gotten so bad about us. People are talking about it like […] Read More...

On Monday night’s episode of The Bachelor, Brad had the arduous task of meeting all four womens’ families. At the end, he sent Sheena home, to her surprise and dismay. Earlier, Sheena had gushed about how wonderful their connection was, convinced that Brad was falling in love with her. And why not? After all, he gave her the most amazingly romantic date experience ever just a few days earlier, complete with gown, diamond earrings, a musical ensemble playing in the background, and dancing under starry skies. Add all those things up, and it looks like love is blooming. Now, imagine the sound […] Read More...

He calls, but it’s the morning of the day he wants to see you. He shows up, but often late. He wants to be with you, but it’s mostly hanging out having sex, eating, and watching television. He introduces you to his friends – maybe. If he does, it’s only because you ran into them together. Or, he introduces you to his friends because you’re a hot babe he can show off (i.e., look at how well I scored). He doesn’t send flowers or write love notes, brushing off those things as goofy kid stuff. He doesn’t tell you he […] Read More...

Andie met Scott at a party, the home of mutual friends. After much consumption of alcohol, they retreated to a bedroom and a night of passionate sex ensued. Though he got her phone number and text messaged her for a few days, he ultimately disappeared. Andie understood that was likely to happen and let it go. Then, three months later, she thought of him again when their mutual friend mentioned that it was Scott’s birthday, so she TM’d a birthday message. That got a response of some witty TM’s followed by his request to come over and hang out. Hanging […] Read More...

I run across stories like this all the time – “Living Single in a Doubles World” is a good example. Extrapolating from the latest statistics that tell us there are now more singles living in the U.S. than married couples, the message is that singles are choosing their status over marriage. But there’s more to the story. My question is this: If you met someone today - someone whom you found to be very attractive, someone who shared your values and was on a similar life path, someone who left you feeling all tingly inside - and that person wanted to be […] Read More...

Alex asks:  I am 27 years old, have spent the majority of my adult life single and have never really been in love. I have always had the philosophy that I would rather be single than with someone for the sake of it, and thus far I have found that most of the guys I have dated (admittedly my age and younger) were really only looking for the physical side of a relationship. I also seem to get the guys who pursue me and want to make me fall for them, but as soon as I start to have feelings […] Read More...

Dear Singlescoach: I was his girlfriend, then I was his friend, then he says we’re dating; two days ago he said, “I’ll call you.” In a matter of almost 2.5 years, I’ve got to be fooling myself. He says he does love me whenever I leave; then he calls, texts & takes me to lunches every Monday & we have SEX once or twice a week; unlike when we first met, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other for nearly a year. Why do I allow this sort of intolerable attitude/behavior from him? I love him, but I’m confused and lost. […] Read More...

Let’s imagine Maggie as a woman with low self-esteem. Her story might have played out in an entirely different way, much like the following. Maggie, after dating Jake for several months and enduring his verbal put-downs, began to feel even less worthy than she did at the beginning of the relationship. She was plagued with self-doubt, worrying that she was the cause of Jake’s responses to her. She halfway believed what he was telling her – that she was the problem, that he could easily date someone better. She began trying to appease Jake, backing down during conflict, seeking a way to calm […] Read More...

Maggie and Jake met through friends and hit it off big-time. For the first few months, anyway. Then Maggie noticed something new creep into their interactions. If they had any confict at all, Jake went into critical overdrive. “I can always find someone better to date,” he would say, lashing out in anger. He criticized her, verbally putting her down. Later, he would feel remorseful, apologizing and promising never to do it again. But, of course, he did do it again. And again. Maggie took a step back and asked herself, “Why would I put up with this?” She talked to […] Read More...

How important is it to Date Smart? If how you date determines the quality of your future marriage (and I firmly believe that it does), then dating smart may save your life. One new study found that high negative conflict marriages put people at significant risk for cardiovascular disease. How you date is remarkably parallel to how you relate. If you date with no hidden agendas and with the intention to find a soul mate to share your life, you begin setting the stage for an open, honest relationship based on commitment and trust. If you date with the goal of […] Read More...