What Women Need to Know About Men A man’s first and foremost biological driver is sex. Romance is the means to that end, and commitment and love are the ultimate means to the end. The heart and intention of a good man is set toward marriage with a good woman. So though his biology urges him to pursue sex, if he’s smart about creating a good life, he reins that in and seeks love and commitment first.  One of the biggest stimulators of a man’s heart – falling in love, commitment – is the game of pursuit. He’s wired to pursue – […] Read More...

Confusion abounds when it come to the roles of leader and follower in the dance of dating. The thousands of emails I’ve received over the years from single men and women are full of inquiries about what to do in the early stages of dating. Women want to know: Is it okay to call a guy? When is it okay? Is it okay to ask him out before he asks me out? What about later on in the relationship? Why does he say he’ll call and then he doesn’t? Is it okay for me to give him encouragement at that […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I just bought the book [Temptations of the Single Girl] and it couldn’t have come at a better time. My boyfriend of 8 months and I broke up today. We both cried a lot today together and I discovered that I attract emotionally UNAVAILABLE men. I don’t know why and hopefully can get an insight to why? Billy has been divorced for 4 years after being married for 21yrs. Why does a man make his heart hard and afraid to love again? I would love to hear from you. Thank you and I look forward to reading your book, Pepper Dear […] Read More...

Divorce is one of the most painful of life events, and for women it can be doubly painful because of emotional and financial dependency. Studies continue to show that most women experience a substantial loss in living standards post divorce. On the flip side, successful women who divorce often find themselves forced to provide spousal support for a non-working ex husband (the downside of our hard won equality over the past few decades). Trying to find the right resources when divorce is immiment can be very difficult. Emotions hold sway and thinking is often unclear. But there are excellent resources […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I’m a single mom of a 7 year old boy. I’ve been dating a guy for a year and a half. He told me many times that he wants to marry me and raise my son and that he has no intention of letting us get away. We’ve had issues of his agreeing to do something – making plans for the future – and he changes them based on his own reasons with no discussion with me. Also, keeping things a secret for no reason, like going out with friends for drinks after work, which would have been no […] Read More...

Dear Singlescoach®:  I met a guy about 2 months ago. I was immediately attracted to him and wanted to get to know him more. He responded positively by encouraging me to work out with him, have dinner or lunch, and started calling me regularly. However, around week two of the new relationship he gave me ‘the talk’. He said he just wanted to be friends because he was trying to spend time focusing on himself and figuring out what he wants for his future. He also gave me a short list of ways we really don’t match. So, I went […] Read More...

“I refuse to let what happened to me make me bitter. I still completely believe in love and I’m open to anything that will happen to me.” – Nicole Kidman on breaking up Many years ago when my ex-husband left, I initially thought that this was the end of any hope for love in my life. It took me months to wade through the grief process – shock, denial, anger, deep grief, and later, a measure of acceptance. The divorce shook my mind, heard, and body to the foundation. One day, I woke up feeling just a tiny bit better, […] Read More...

Dear Singlescoach: I just started dating a man and he told me that my being too nice puts pressure on him and makes him act distant toward me. I don’t understand. Does he think I’m putting on an act?                                      - Teri History with the new guy: Sex within the first few dates; a few days later, he brings up commitment and says it was a big step. Teri, surprised, agrees and tells him they should “go slow.” He disappears and she is left baffled. She wonders if he felt obligated after having sex. She says she never got the chance to […] Read More...

In a recent Time Magazine article, the report from decades of research is that marriage helps both men and women live longer and healthier. But if you read the full story, you find that for women the caveat is this: the marriage must be good for her in order for her to experience the health benefits. The biggest factor? How much your relationship causes your brain to trigger the release of the stress hormone cortisol. During conflict, our brains automatically interpret that we are in danger, and it doesn’t distinguish between actual physical danger and a social threat. That sends […] Read More...

Dear Singlescoach: I too was in a relationship of convenience. I pretended that one day he would commit and to this day, we don’t even discuss the subject. Over 9 yrs. and I brought the subject to his attention and I was hurt when he told me he was afraid and not ready. I gave my heart and soul in this relationship. I knew it was wrong to always be available but I’m a loyal person. I truly care for him, but now I know that what I called a relationship was no more than an arrangement. I’ve faced this truth through several breakups but […] Read More...

Dear Nina: I have dated a good amount of women in the past 9 months – online dating. There have been a few who I would have liked to pursue more but I have been rejected. I usually get rejected on date 4 (I guess the sex date). Women often say they simply “aren’t feeling it”…I am so confused because they act really interested, tell me I am a great guy but then …boom…”I am not feeling it”…there must be something I am doing wrong – but is there a chance that online dating is a breeding ground for real […] Read More...

Dear Singlescoach: I’m 28 yrs old and I’ve been with my 31 yr old boyfriend for 3 months. Things happend very fast between us. We’ve slept together (something we’ve now decided to stop doing due to religious reasons), we’ve told each other we love each other and we’ve shared things with each other that we’ve never shared with anyone else. We have a lot in common and share a very strong connection. He is adhd but I work with children with autism so I do understand a lot of his behaviour. I tend to become very dependent on my partner and seem to […] Read More...

If you have completed your visioning exercises (see previous blogs: 2008 Intentions, 2007 Reflections, Current State, Life Vision Statement, and 2008 Vision Statement), then you are ready to set SMART goals for 2008. What is a SMART goal? S = Specific M = Measurable A = Action-oriented, achievable R = Results-oriented T = Time-based A SMART goal might be something like this: Land a new job in my industry by end of first quarter 2008 Join 3 online dating services and complete my profiles by end of January ’08 Attend two singles groups or functions every month in ’08 Arrange time […] Read More...

This exercise is similar to the life vision exercise, narrowed down to the current year. If you imagine yourself at the end of 2008, what will you be celebrating? You might frame it up as The Seven F’s: What will these seven significant life categories look like to you one year from today? (write a mini vision statement for each one) Family Friends Faith Fitness Financial Function (career) Fun The following questions may help you identify how you can work on each area this year:  Family – do you have relationships with family members that have grown distant? Are there people who love you […] Read More...

If you have never done this exercise, it is one that is powerful in setting the stage for achievement of your long term life goals. This one requires a calm, quiet state of mind, so carve out some time, do the things that relax you, have paper and pen on hand. Now, ask yourself this question – ___ number of years from now, how do I want to envision my life? (choose a number that fits for you; if you are 25 now, maybe look at age 35, for example) Now, imagine an ideal day in your life at this point in the […] Read More...

Before setting new goals, a powerful step is to acknowledge the current state of your life, personally and professionally. For this step, do some writing about how you see your life right now; add or subtract categories that are relevant for you: Spiritual Health Work Education Personal growth Family Friends Connection and love Passions (pursuits, hobbies, future entreprenurial ventures) For each category, write about: a.) what’s working? b.) what’s not working? With your current life state in front of you, your goals for next year should be emerging. The next exercise will help you clarify them further. Read More...

Often people set goals for the new year without stopping to reflect on the past year. The problem with that approach is that lessons learned are often not carried forward, so you wind up repeating the past year’s mistakes. This exercise helps you access lessons learned so that you achieve emotional completion for the past year. Carve out some time (an hour or two) and set the stage: put on your favorite relaxing music, get plenty of paper and pens, light candles, have some hot tea, meditate, pray - in other words, get as comfortable and relaxed as possible. The goal for this […] Read More...

It’s almost the beginning of a New Year – 2008 – and most people like to set new goals for the new year. With my clients (individuals and executives) over the years, I’ve found that following a process to clear the decks from the past year first, then setting new intentions for the new year, gives you a powerful foundation from which to achieve your goals. Here are the basic steps: 2007 Reflections Current state Life Vision 2008 Vision SMART goals and intentions Action plans Check back each day this week for the complete plan and all of the exercises to […] Read More...

In relationships, whether it’s work, dating, or friendships, one of the most challenging dynamics is that of communication. Yet ask 100 people to rate themselves, and 99 of them will likely report that they are good communicators. Why the disconnect? Because our skill as communicators, or lack thereof, lies squarely in the psychological ”blind spot” – the aspect of self-awareness that is hidden from us unless we take personal growth seriously and ask others to reflect back what they see. If you asked your closest friends and family members how effective you are as a listener, what would they say? Would they say that you […] Read More...

You’ve been dating for a few weeks/months, and now there are holiday family events, but you haven’t yet met each other’s families. What do you do? Here’s the upside and downside of introducing each other to families during the holidays. The downside is that if your relationship is very new and you don’t know where you’re headed, it can be awkward to meet families. If you invite him to your family events and he doesn’t invite you to his, that leaves you off balance, and vice versa. Families have a tendency to interpret the introductions as a prelude to getting […] Read More...

Single during the holidays can be fun, but for some, it’s not, no matter how hard you try. If you’re recovering from a divorce or break-up of a long-term relationship, or another life loss, you may be vulnerable to the holiday blues – a temporary period of depressed mood. The holiday blues, while no fun, will naturally pass as you move into the new year and normal activities resume. The bigger risk is falling into a true depression – the kind that can be debilitating. Here’s how you know if you’re going in that direction. Changes in sleep or appetite. Not sleeping […] Read More...

Years ago, we called it “dating” or “relationship,” even if it was short in duration. If it involved sex, and it was longer than a one night stand, we tried to characterize it as a relationship. Now, it’s called “hooking up,” meaning that you’re having sex (oral or intercourse) but there’s not necessarily any love or commitment. Educators claim that hookups are starting as early as late elementary school and that it’s rampant by college age. So-called feminist writers argue that it is liberating for young women to express their sexuality freely without feeling the public shame of being called names [that […] Read More...

Is it possible to marry too young? Often people say, with hindsight at the point of divorce, that they married too young. But is that true? There are many very happy couples who married young and wouldn’t change a thing in their path of life together. The distinction is age vs. maturity. Maturity is often independent of age and vice versa. A mature decision to marry is made along two lines: 1. do we love each other?, and 2. are we compatible? To marry for love alone without assessing compatibility is immature. To marry for compatibility minus a deep down […] Read More...

In Wednesday’s blog we talked about the pressure to get engaged and the need for an open, honest “you and me” talk. If you are unsure of your love for the person you’ve been dating long term, this talk my unearth your ambivalence. Thus, you may put off the conversation. You may find yourself engaging in one of the oldest mind traps of all time, telling yourself: I’ll deal with this after the holidays. After all, you tell yourself, a few more weeks won’t matter. You don’t want to hurt this person by abandoning him/her right before all the holiday events you had […] Read More...

Have you been dating someone for a significant period of time and with a high level of involvement? Do you feel the pressure to get engaged over the holidays? For many couples in this situation, the expectation of getting engaged rachets up with every DeBeers commercial you watch together. Family and friends may unwittingly add to the pressure as well. The biological clock may tick especially loudly this time of year. Your inner voice may ask, “How many more holidays do I have to get through before I’m celebrating them with my own family?” If you’re not ready to get engaged, and […] Read More...