You’re dating someone really attractive, someone with whom you have high hopes for a long-term relationship, someone you believe could be THE ONE. There’s just one snag. Every time the subject of commitment comes up, you hear a “story” the bottom line of which is: “I’m confused.” Like any loving person, you want to help the object of your affection recover from his/her confusion. One source of the confusion is lack of clarity about whether or not YOU are the one for this person. But let’s imagine that this is not the issue. You are THE ONE for him or […]
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What is a co-dependent relationship and how do you know if you’re in one? Co-dependent means that you manage your relationship so that one or both of you can maintain unhealthy behavior (whether you realize it or not). For example, one of you drinks to excess. The other avoids taking a stand; i.e., putting your foot down and making it clear that you will not tolerate the behavior. Instead, you nag, complain, whine, manipulate, talk about it endlessly with others, capitulate, get angry, give in, and even join in the behavior (get drunk with them). None of those things is […]
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You give out free passes on commitment when you buy into others’ stories of hardship and loss. Empathizing and sympathizing, you may figure that all you have to do is love them enough and they will come around. But did you stop to think about your own losses and how they’ve impacted you? You have loved and lost as well, yet that doesn’t stop you from wanting and being willing to give a commitment to someone new. The only cure for loss and pain in the past is to create love and connection in the present. That doesn’t mean you dive into the first warm […]
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When should you start dating again? The answer is, of course, it depends. It depends on how much emotional baggage you want to drag forward into your new relationship. The more baggage you have (steamer trunks vs. carry on), the less likely you are to have a loving, lasting relationship in the future. If you are the Dumper, your baggage is more likely to be in the form of unresolved guilt and either over or under-responsibility. Because leaving can be so hard, some people emotionally shut down or cut off real communication in order to move forward. This coping mechanism, while it […]
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In every breakup there are two roles: the Dumper and the Dumpee. Put it another way, the person who actually says “I’m outta here” and the person who is left behind. Sometimes we try to save face by agreeing that yes, it’s over, when the other person says they’re leaving. But almost always there is one person who is the first to throw in the towel emotionally. That person usually faces one set of emotions while the other person usually faces a different set of emotions. If you threw in the towel first, you are more likely to experience guilt. Dumpers […]
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If you read the last post – Boredom and Relationships – and saw your partner(s), you may be on the flip side of this dynamic. Instead of being the instigator of drama, you choose people who will instigate it for you. Guess what? You are just as invested in drama as your low-boredom-threshhold partner. But you will have difficulty seeing this since you’ve cleverly hidden it in the other person’s behavior. Stable relationships are not necessarily exciting relationships – not once you get past the early enchantment stage. If you tend to date people who keep things stirred up, who […]
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Do you have a difficult time being alone? Do you feel bored if there’s nothing going on, if you have to just spend time with yourself? Do you get antsy, looking for hot, pulsing interaction? If so, you may have a low boredom threshold, meaning that you are easily bored. Most people when bored seek outside stimulation – call a few friends, try to stir up some action, get out, go find something to do. How does that affect your relationships? Couples, once past the enchantment phase, settle down to everyday living. Over time, the early passion subsides to some degree, […]
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Trudy dated Chris for five years. He was fresh out of a divorce when they met, but she thought he just needed time. Early on, he established the priorities. “You,” he said, “are a G priority. A, B, and C are my daughters.” After his daughters came work and other obligations, and then Trudy. Why she didn’t break up with him on the spot, she still doesn’t know. But after five more years of dating, she realized that she would never be a real priority to Chris. She tearfully broke up, still hoping deep inside that he would realize how […]
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Explanatory thought: how do you explain the world and people around you to yourself? As the events of our lives unfold, they don’t happen in a vacuum. We are wired as thinking beings to interpret those events in some way in order to make sense of our lives. One of the things we tend to reflect on the most is relationships. Here’s the rub – the kind of explanatory thought we have about past relationships tends to strongly effect how successful we are in our future relationships. Negative explanatory thought on relationships - or “stinking thinking” – sounds something like this. “Well, […]
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It’s your second date with the new guy you met online. You’re sitting at an upscale neighborhood bar sipping wine. He’s sitting across from you trying to make a good impression. He’s got all the right stuff – education, great job, manners. He’s single, availalbe, and doesn’t appear to have commitment issues. Your brain starts to do a number on you. Half of your brain says “Wow, this guy has so much going for him – not like some of the losers I’ve met online recently. I can’t find a thing wrong with him. I really want this to work.” The […]
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In last night’s follow up to The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman, Bevin Powers, the spurned woman, faced Lieutenant Andy Baldwin onstage for the first time since their emotional good-bye. Despite multiple attempts by Chris Harrison, the show’s host, to prompt Bevin to say something catty about Andy, she took the high road, demonstrating what real love is all about. She was real, she was transparent, and she expressed herself authentically. As she spoke, she modeled the tenants of real love: Wanting the best for someone else, even if that doesn’t include you Not making it all about you; recognizing […]
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If the following checklist looks familiar to you, you may be a drama junkie. In essence, it means that you are drawn to people and situations that get your adrenaline flowing both in the positive and the negative. The positive highs in relationships are primarily associated with the earliest enchantment phase of love, so those feelings are not sustainable at a high level over time. Once the initial enchantment period fades, the drama junkie has to find other ways to get his or her “fix.” The following are examples, behavior patterns, that indicate you or someone you love may have this issue: Inability […]
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Sherry and Bobby have been dating for three years. She says they connect in every way except one. He’s not interested in moving toward marriage. She is very interested in marriage. What do they share? The chemistry is good, their intellectual connection is strong, and they love each other. They share the same basic values in life. Think of a house, one that sits solidly on its foundation and isn’t likely to blow over in a strong wind or float away in a bit of heavy rain. The house, which we’ll use as an analogy for a relationship, has a […]
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Even though we know that friendship is a powerful foundation for romance, rarely do we take the time to allow it to develop first. Why? First, we’re bombarded by images in the media that teach us love should be like a rocket taking off – WHOOSH! In our never-ending quest for bigger and more exciting experiences, we rush into romance (read “sex”). We want to be like those glamorous couples on the covers of magazines who hook up in about 90 seconds. Then there’s the desire for instant gratification. Why take the time to get to know someone when you […]
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When do you begin to open up with someone you’re dating? How does intimacy start? What do we mean by intimacy? In a world that is often too rushed, too cold, and too filled with problems and pain, we long for a sanctuary, a safe place to be cared for and loved. In the most mundane sense, the purose of love relationships is to procreate. But in a higher sense, the purpose is to create intimacy and thus a safe place in which to grow. In the arms of a beloved partner, we open our hearts, share our dreams, fears, hopes, and […]
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Julie couldn’t wait to marry Sam. They met at a party and were inseparable from that moment on. She dreamed night and day about the glorious moment Sam would propose to her. She could picture the diamond solitaire ring. When the day finally came, she felt soaring joy throughout her being. She felt as though she was fulfilling her life destiny – to meet and marry a wonderful guy. For the next few months, she focused all of her energy on the wedding. She scoured hundreds of magazines and shops before finding the perfect wedding dress. She meticulously planned her […]
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Ask people on the street: Do opposites attract? You’ll get the answer “yes” most of the time. This is one of those myths that falls in the bucket of what people think vs. what people do. Ask it another way: Do you want to marry someone like you or different than you? Most people will say they want someone different. But when it’s time to choose someone to marry, the most successful couples choose someone more like themselves than different. It turns out those marriages are the most stable and lasting. So where does the myth opposites attract come from? Primarily […]
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Stacie wondered how much she should query a guy on the first date. Should she ask about his past relationships? That seemed so personal, so private, and she was reluctant to pry. So what are first dates supposed to be about? What topics are taboo? The primary purpose of a first date is to decide whether or not there’s any point in dating. There are two questions that you need answered by the end of the date: What is my level of attraction? Sparks or no sparks? Are there any red flags that are telling me this is doomed at the […]
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David, a client of mine years ago, once confessed to me that he’d reviewed the profiles of over 250 women and none of them measured up. I asked, “Are you saying that out of 250 women you can’t identify even one you would be willing to ask to meet you for a cup of coffee?” David’s quest for perfection was leading him down a blind alley. The problem was his filter, the list of criteria through which he ran women in his mind. David was looking for a woman with no flaws, no imperfections, no humanity. David didn’t realize that […]
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After two or three bad relationships, your heart may seize up in fear. “Is it worth the risk of getting hurt again?” you wonder. You are having perfectly normal feelings in response to pain. When love goes wrong, you need time for healing. You may lose trust in yourself; the loss of faith in your own ability to make good choices can leave you shaken. Think of your heart like a broken leg. You would never go skiing with a cast on your leg! You wouldn’t be able to navigate the slopes and if you fell again, you might have […]
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Amy met Richard online. After a couple of emails, they agreed to talk on the phone. That went well, so they set up a date for drinks after work. Sparks flew instantly. After two hours and a bottle of wine between them, they moved on to a nearby restaurant hot spot. Dinner was fabulous; they couldn’t stop talking. Time flew and suddenly they realized it was late in the evening. Richard asked if he could follow Amy home to make sure she was okay. That turned into an invitation to come in for a cup of coffee. One thing led to […]
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If you’ve ever been set up by a friend and experienced a disastrous date as a result, take heart! Set-ups by friends don’t have to be negative experiences; in fact, they can be opportunities for growth and discovery, if you have the right mind-set. One of the problems with set-ups is unrealistic expectations. Your friend says, “I’ve got someone wonderful to introduce you to! You are going to so like this guy! He’s fabulous, he’s everything you’re looking for!” Enthusiasm bubbles out of your friend and if you’re not careful, you are caught up in that enthusiasm. Next thing you know, […]
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Walter writes: In your post you wrote: The truth is that almost all of us want a relationship with someone special. The exception to this is the true loner – a person whose ability to connect with others is so limited that there’s little possibility of it happening. Are there true loners? People who won’t ever connect permanently with anyone? How should they date? Should they date? Could you comment more on this? Yes, there are true loners, people who either can’t connect in a meaningful way or who have given up on connecting with others. Should a loner date? […]
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Jordan and Haley had been dating for four weeks. They spent Saturday nights and Sunday afternoons together, and they went out two nights per week. Things were heating up and Haley wondered whether Jordan was dating anyone else. Here’s how she handled it. First, she set the stage by looking for the right venue and timing. She steered their date that Saturday night to a quiet neighborhood spot so they could talk more intimately without shouting. Second, she planned ahead and took notes which she kept in her pocketbook as a back-up. Third, she broached the subject boldly yet with no agenda other […]
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How long should you date before you become exclusive? The answer is: it depends. The question is: what are you looking for? If you’re trying to date with no strings attached, then you can go for months, maybe even years. But if you read the SinglesCoach blog regularly, you know by now that it doesn’t work to date for a long time without a commitment. If your goal is a committed relationship leading to marriage, then exclusivity is a benchmark for progress toward your goal. Let’s look at how that works. You meet someone you’re attracted to, and the feeling […]
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