In Wednesday’s blog we talked about the pressure to get engaged and the need for an open, honest “you and me” talk. If you are unsure of your love for the person you’ve been dating long term, this talk my unearth your ambivalence. Thus, you may put off the conversation. You may find yourself engaging in one of the oldest mind traps of all time, telling yourself: I’ll deal with this after the holidays. After all, you tell yourself, a few more weeks won’t matter. You don’t want to hurt this person by abandoning him/her right before all the holiday events you had […]
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Have you been dating someone for a significant period of time and with a high level of involvement? Do you feel the pressure to get engaged over the holidays? For many couples in this situation, the expectation of getting engaged rachets up with every DeBeers commercial you watch together. Family and friends may unwittingly add to the pressure as well. The biological clock may tick especially loudly this time of year. Your inner voice may ask, “How many more holidays do I have to get through before I’m celebrating them with my own family?” If you’re not ready to get engaged, and […]
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A soul mate is a person with whom you feel a deep connection that may even defy logic. In love relationships, the term soul mate includes a sexual connection. Many happy, fulfilled long-term couples consider themselves soul mates. But I want to discuss the kind of soul mate connection that doesn’t work in the long run. For lack of a better phrase, let’s call them soul mates on steroids (SMOS). SMOS connections are more painful than positive in the long run. The highs are very high, but the lows are very low in these highly charged, intense relationships. Why? Because familiarity and commitment lower intensity while yearning and conflict […]
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There are about as many definitions of soul mate as you can imagine. We’ve been trying to define this term for literally thousands of years to no avail. I’ll try to cut through the confusion by offering mine. A soul mate is a person with whom you feel a deep connection that may even defy logic. For example, a soul mate can be a close friend who lives a very different life than yours, yet you pick up the old thread instantly no matter how much time has passed since your last connection. A soul mate can be a friend, […]
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Shanice and Samantha are commiserating about the pain of dating a commitmentphobe. They’re not alone – lots of women are facing this. Maybe they didn’t see it coming – mistaking hesitancy to commit for other things (i.e., he just needs more time). However they got there, the pain is real for them. If you are dating a commitmentphobe, the first step for you is to acknowledge the truth: over his problem you have NO CONTROL. That’s right – NO CONTROL. That means that you absolutely, positively, definitely, and certainly CANNOT FIX IT. No matter how patiently you wait, no matter […]
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The answer is, of course, no. The only person who has the power to change is the person who needs the change. You have absolutely no power to remove the commitmentphobe’s fear of marriage, no matter how loving you are, no matter how much you offer emotional safety. Here’s what you need to know so that you don’t get caught in the trap of trying to change this dynamic within another person. The reason it’s called commitment phobia is because it is just that – a phobia, defined as an irrational, persistent fear of certain situations, objects, etc. It’s irrational, meaning […]
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In dating, it’s vital that you discern a true commitmentphobe from a person who is perhaps a bit reluctant to make a commitment but will eventually come around. If you’re dating someone over the age of 25, and he/she has been hurt in the past, then you’re probably going to face some emotional baggage in the form of hesitancy to commit, especially with people who have been divorced. That’s normal, and can usually be worked through in a relationship as long as both people a.) really love each other, and b.) are fundamentally compatible. Therefore, the first thing you have […]
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True commitment phobia is a pervasive intra-personal phenomenon (meaning that it resides within an individual, not in a relationship, and that it impacts other areas of life for that person). The true commitmentphobe is not just afraid of intimacy or of making a commitment to a person he/she is dating, but also may be afraid of making everyday life decisions. This person suffers from a debilitating fear of loss of options, meaning that the brain cannot grasp the reality that choices can be undone if they prove to be self-harmful down the road. To the commitmentphobe, today’s choice is carved […]
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Jenna and Clay dated for six months and all seemed right from her point of view. She was in love and she assumed he was as well. After all, they saw each other two to three times per week; he called, asked her out, and they had a good time. They were sleeping together, of course, since about their sixth date. The part she tried not to focus on was that he never said “I love you” or gave her sentimental cards or sent flowers. He never talked future but then again neither did she. She didn’t want to scare […]
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Sandy fell deeply in love with Greg over the course of their romance. By the fourth date she was sure he was the one for her. He seemed to return her feelings and their relationship progressed nicely until the fourth week. Suddenly, he stopped calling as much, begging off with excuses like overwork and needing time with his buddies. The more he pulled away, the more obsessed she became with trying to get him back. He began avoiding her calls and not returning her emails, and this sent her into an emotional tailspin. This story took a dramatic turn when she showed up at […]
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Lily and Owen knew by the third date that they were meant to be together. Their relationship unfolded almost magically over two years – they were together constantly, laughing together, dreaming of their future. They got engaged and planned the perfect wedding, but shortly after their honeymoon, Lily fell into a depression. It had nothing to do with Owen. Lily had suffered from depression in the past and erroneously believed that falling in love had fixed all of that. Lily, like many people who suffer from depression, needed bio-chemical correction, so her doctor prescribed Prozac. While her depression lifted, her marriage suffered. […]
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Who do you think is most likely to sacrifice career goals to keep a relationship together? If you’re like most people, you guessed “women are.” But a new study disproves that common belief. In a surprising twist, a survey of 237 university students found that men were more likely than women to give love a priority over individual achievement. Of course, these were university students – inexperienced in the demands of day-to-day life in a committed relationship, and with the short-term perspective of youth. Whether or not the attitudes of today prevail over time remains to be seen. Historically, women […]
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Nicole met Brian online through a popular social networking site. They quickly discovered an array of common interests – they liked the same books and movies, both were avid runners, and on and on. For weeks, they blogged, emailed, IM’d, TM’d, and carried on an intense online flirtation. Getting his emails never failed to make her heart skip a beat. He was a great writer – smart, knowledgeable about a huge variety of topics, and sweet to boot. Finally, she worked up the courage to ask for a phone conversation. And everything ground to a halt. He stalled, claiming to […]
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One young woman in Deerfield, Illinois, discovered that her boyfriend, whom she met online, was in reality a con artist who had bilked numerous women out of a total estimated one million dollars. He earned his victims’ trust, then convinced them to invest in bogus businesses or loan him their credit cards. Are you vulnerable to this kind of predator? You are if a guy exhibits these behaviors and you continue to date him anyway: He’s disconnected from his past; his “ex” is dead, and so are his family members; or his relationships with people in his past are severed He has some kind […]
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A recent study seemed to confirm that men choose women as mates based primarily on looks. The study was done in a speed dating venue, looked at the choices of 26 men and 20 women, ranging in age from 26 to early 40s. Men were surveyed prior to the speed dating game and their stated preferences were compared to their actual choices. The conclusion: though they stated they were looking for women with certain characteristics, they actually chose primarily based on physical beauty. No surprise there. But what are we to conclude from this study? One obvious conclusion is that […]
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If you found yourself in the blogs on love addiction, take heart! It is possible to recover and find a much healthier path in life. Here’s a basic checklist for recovery: Get real and get serious about your life: acknowledge that you have a problem with relationships Do an inventory of past relationships and look for the common denominator: you List the dysfunctional behaviors that consumed you in the past: trying to fix someone else’s life; trying to change somone; loss of focus on your own well being The path to recovery from love addiction begins with a commitment: To yourself […]
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Max has difficulty with women. He’s cute and charming, so he never has trouble getting women to go out with him. Once they do, however, the problems start. The women he falls for always have issues the he feels compelled to try and fix. He exhausts himself trying to get their lives to work at the expense of his own life. Max is a love addict. Love addiction is a serious problem. For men, the way it manifests is usually different than the way it shows up for women. How many of these behaviors look familiar to you? If more than half […]
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Stacy is attractive and vivacious; men like her and are instinctively drawn to her as a result. But every guy she’s fallen in love with has turned out to be emotionally unavailable in some way. She’s clung to them through emotionally exhausting ups and downs until they finally walk away for good. Stacy is a love addict. Love addiction is a serious problem. For women, the way it manifests is usually different than the way it shows up for men. How many of these behaviors look familiar to you? If more than half of them do, you may be a […]
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Lee dated Jim for six months in an exclusive relationship. Then a series of events made her question his commitment. She found out he was still talking to his ex on a regular basis; he took her to a significant family event and didn’t acknowledge them as a couple. The last blow was cancelling their wedding plans with no discussion. Lee wants to know if she should give Jim a second chance because forgiveness is the right thing to do. First, the issue isn’t forgiveness. Yes, forgive the behavior so you can move on without resentment. No, don’t give Jim a second […]
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Cindy met Bill through her tennis club. He was charming, good-looking, and he swept her off her feet in a whirlwind courtship. Pushing for a quick marriage, he proposed after only two months. Though she felt a few flutters of anxiety, Cindy accepted, hoping for true love. Six months later, she deeply regretted the haste. Bill turned out to be both alcoholic and verbally abusive, with the threat of physical abuse lurking in the volatile atmosphere. Frightened, she moved out and filed for divorce. Later, she reflected on how she had gotten herself in such a painful place. Something deep inside Cindy had sent up warning […]
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Whitney Casey, my new gal pal over at the Houston Chronicle, aptly puts it in her article – Pillow Talk Makes For Estranged Bedfellows. (Look for my comments.) The bottom line: make sure you’re well-rested before you go on a first, second, or third date. Here’s why. Subliminally, we send and receive messages, powerful ones, in every nuance of those first few dates. Think of it like a job interview: it’s one time when you want to make the absolute best impression. Whether you realize it or not, your brain is scanning every available piece of information, searching for the […]
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Breaking up and getting back together can be fraught with difficulty. The emotional ups and downs are draining. The lack of emotional security throws you off balance. Recovery takes time. But the biggest problem is the lack of intervention in the cycle of the relationship so that reconciling can lead to a future that is substantially better than the past. Usually there’s a good reason that you broke up, from at least one person’s perspective (usually the dumper). Even though as the dumpee you might suspect a less than worthy motive for your partner’s choice to leave, the fact that he/she […]
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Melinda hadn’t seen Dwain in four months. Since their breakup, she’s been good; in fact, she’d been great. Yes, she’d grieved at first, a little. Yes, she’d missed having someone to sleep with, go out with, and talk to every day. But not that much. Dwain, although he had good qualities, wasn’t really her knight in shining armour. He was sweet at times, but then he wasn’t. He was anger waiting for a target. She tired of his harangues about people at work, people on the freeway, people in line ahead of him at the store, and all the crazy […]
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AF writes: My girlfriend and I recently broke off a 4+ year relationship and have both moved on. I have accepted things, but she has decided to cut me out of her life for some fear of regret and deep feelings for me. Unfortunately she “rebounded” quickly and has already exhibited all the classic mistakes of a rebound having fast forwarded the relationship and apparently fallen in love seeking marriage. I am disappointed in this obvious mistake and am truly only concerned for her well being. Its unfortunate because her new guy is a nice guy, but IS ALSO ON […]
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If you are dating a commitment confused person, you have one possibility of turning the relationship around. It’s not easy, but it’s effective. First, take a stand within yourself. Decide and declare to yourself first that you are unwilling to settle for a relationship that does not include a real commitment. You must be willing to let the relationship go rather than compromise your commitment to YOU. In order to attract commitment, you must be committed to you first. That’s how it works. Once you have accomplished this step, the opportunity for the other person to step up to the […]
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