Dear Nina: My boyfriend of nine months dumped me. His reasons were that something was off in our relationship. We moved in together after about 1.5 months, and I’m sure it was too soon. We also had issues with him discussing our relationship with his family towards the end. I know they are very negative people and were giving him advice to break up with me. He seemed really upset to split up with me, but he still did it. He wanted to try continuing seeing each other after I moved out, but I didn’t really think that was a good solution. […]
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Dear Nina: I have found your books and information very helpful. I am a never married, pretty professional woman. I just turned 50 a few months ago but I look like I am 40. My close friend in her late 40’s just got married. She met her husband on JDate. She said that online dating was the best place for older singles and suggested I try EHarmony again. I have found the whole experience rather discouraging. The matches they have sent me have been far from someone I believe I can build a LTR. I have a wonderful group of […]
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Dear Singlescoach®: My boyfriend of 8 months and I recently broke up. It was the best thing, as he had some major alcohol and addiction problems and had no real goals. I know that it was the right decision for me. My problem is, I’m just a year out of college and the people that I chose to surround myself with were all his friends – his life. Now that it is all gone, I have no idea how or where to meet people. I’m essentially friendless right now, which is tough because I’ve always been a people person and […]
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Dear Singlescoach: I read your book Be Your Own Dating Service and loved it; however I found myself startled when I read the term “Westbound Train” because I realize, I think I am one! I mostly relate to the ‘I Love you but.. ‘ syndrome–In all my relationships I’ve never wanted to fully commit thinking there might be better. I’ve tended to never be fully satisfied with the person, only finding them attractive conditionally (if they wore their hair a certain way, wore certain clothes, did certain things etc.), and eventually break up with them because I feel like I […]
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Dear Singlescoach, I recently got back together with a man I dated for four months and broke up with because of a lack of emotional depth in our conversations. He contacted me later, we discussed the issue, and it was like a light bulb came on for him. After that, we took our communication to a new level of sharing thoughts, emotions, desires, fears, and so on. We are now falling in love at the same level after six weeks of talking at this deeper level (we are in a long distance relationship). After our most recent visit, our telephone conversations […]
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Shanice is still struggling with her commitmentphobic boyfriend. My advice: Shanice: you stop the merry-go-round by getting off of it yourself. Even though you feel like a puppet on his string, the truth is that you are the master of your own reactions and behavior. You will feel back in control of your life when you start making decisions based on your own best interests instead of waiting to see what he will do, reacting to his behavior. Getting back together should only be after honest, open communication about your needs. That means sitting down together calmly and rationally to […]
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Dear Singlescoach: I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month and a half. I was staying at his house knowing he wanted some space. He says he has his own issues to work out. He was single for six years before we got together and I walked away from a ten year relationship I wasn’t happy in because this guy made me happy and made me feel “alive” again. He hasn’t called or talked to me in about four days and packed up items I left at his house and dropped them off at our friends house including a […]
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Dear Singlescoach: I am a 28 yr old woman and I am dating a 17 year old guy. He will be 18 in 5 months. And amazingly this has been the best relationship I have ever been in. However, there are a few problems… His parents don’t approve (especially his mother) and my sister thinks I’m making a mistake and being foolish. Age of consent in the state we live in is 17, so that’s not a problem. But the town we live in is small and the gossip has gotten so bad about us. People are talking about it like […]
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Dear Singlescoach: I was his girlfriend, then I was his friend, then he says we’re dating; two days ago he said, “I’ll call you.” In a matter of almost 2.5 years, I’ve got to be fooling myself. He says he does love me whenever I leave; then he calls, texts & takes me to lunches every Monday & we have SEX once or twice a week; unlike when we first met, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other for nearly a year. Why do I allow this sort of intolerable attitude/behavior from him? I love him, but I’m confused and lost. […]
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Cherie tells the story of her ex dating a crack addict while continuing to see her (Cherie) on the side. She asks: Number 1- Do we still have a chance to get back together? Number 2- Will he stay with her? He is in a rebound relationship and I don’t think it will last much longer. Cherie, your focus is entirely in the wrong place. Instead of wondering if you can get back together with this guy, you should be wondering why you want him back. You describe the relationship as a drama-rama of fighting and breaking up, followed by […]
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Nykie writes: I went on a first date, asking lots of questions because I’m serious about finding the right guy. He did all the talking. We didn’t particularly click but I still want to get to know him. It’s been over a week and I haven’t heard from him. What could I have done better? Dear Nykie: The short answer is – probably nothing. Sometimes you just don’t connect with someone on a first date, and it’s not that you did anything wrong. Sometimes the guy just doesn’t feel the sparks – and it sounds like you didn’t feel the […]
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Paul asks if he’s wounded to be so drawn to someone who clearly has huge issues (financial, single parenting, emotional, etc.). He wonders what it means about him that he struggles over whether or not to re-engage with this beautiful woman. The answer is that yes, it does indicate something about you if you are drawn to someone who doesn’t have her act together in life. What does it mean? When you are drawn to very wounded people, and you choose to connect with them, it indicates that you’re putting off your own inner work in favor of helping someone else […]
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Pete writes: I’m in a three year relationship. The hours that we work differ greatly and as a result, we do not get to spend the time together that I would like. My daughter seems to want to love her, but when I ask her to go and spend time as a family, there are an abundance of excuses. Even watching TV she will sit away from us and then claims that I push her away when my daughter is there. I just don’t understand what else I can do other than continue to ask her to join us. I […]
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Steve writes: I have a dilemma. I recently bumped into my boss at an engagement party. We drank wine, talked, flirted, and kissed a little afterwards. I asked her out the following week and she accepted. We went out, drank some wine, had a great time, flirted and kissed again. When I dropped her off, she said we couldn’t date because of our professional relationship, saying she didn’t want to get in trouble at work. Since then, she will talk but won’t initiate a call back to me. I feel like I’m getting mixed signals. I’d like to date her […]
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Cyndi wonders if she’s all alone in the Big Apple, envisioning herself in a happy relationship with a good guy. Her friends tell her to “have a good time” (i.e., sleep around and live for the moment) while her dates offer up crumbs instead of a banquet (i.e., a threesome instead of committed monogamy). Up against that kind of feedback, it’s easy to understand why Cyndi has to work a bit at keeping her morale and her morals. First, hats off to you, Cyndi! You are adhering to your values and maintaining an optimistic view of life and relationships. Yes, Cyndi, I assure you, there […]
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Rick writes: I have been dating a woman on and off for several years. I moved out of state six months ago and haven’t seen her but twice. The last time she visited, I noticed that she was distant after our intimate moments – not cuddling like she had in the past. One night when I was rubbing her back she said “you are smothering me.” Her distant behavior during this visit was very out of character. She has always liked being intimate with me but avoided it this last visit. I called her after she went home to tell […]
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David writes: My ex-girlfriend and I met on Myspace, emailed for a week, phoned for a week, then met for dnner and a walk. We dated for two and a half weeks, walking along the beach holding hands. Then she blew me off, saying it was just a friendship and she didn’t have time for a relationship. I was angry but I moved on. A month later, she called me, apologized and wanted another chance. We dated for three months and it went well. Her only complaint was that it was annoying to witness me getting mad at drivers in […]
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Stephen writes: I recently met a beautiful, intelligent woman through a discussion group that we both attend. Two weeks ago, I asked to walk her home. We spent some private time together and the sparks flew. I didn’t kiss her but we had a passionate hug. Since then, I called her once and left a message. She returned the call but didn’t leave a message. I’ve emailed her but she hasn’t responded. What can I do to win this woman’s heart? I really want to date her and build a lasting relationship. The goal of winning a good woman’s heart is […]
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Dave writes: Is it possible to have a sexual relationship with a friend of the opposite sex? We really care about each other, and we’re also physically attracted to each other – would we ruin the friendship, or is it worth a try? As soon as you have sex, you are no longer “just friends.” You are now in a romantic relationship, whether you call it that or not. You’re lovers, and that is not the same as friends, although friendship can be part of being lovers. The relationship changes at a fundamental level when you become sexually intimate, regardless […]
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Dear SinglesCoach: I’ve been going out with a guy for seven months. We agreed in the beginning that it’s going to be a non-committal thing and just enjoy each other’s company whenever we get the chance. I am starting to fall hard for this guy and I yearn for a solid relationship where love is actually expressed by words and actions. We get along very well and we are perfect for each other in so many ways. I wanted to end it but it’s hard because I keep hoping that we’ll end up together, someday. Should I let it go […]
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Ben asks: I’m entering into a new relationship/friendship with a woman who’s been hurt in the past, and I haven’t been in a meaningful relationship in a long time. We are starting out as friends - if everything continues to develop, how long should I wait to see if this has what it takes to go to the next level. Mind you she wants to take it sloww! Dear Ben, Deciding when to take a relationship to the next level has little to do with the calendar. First let’s tackle the notion of “starting out as friends.” Does that mean you’re dating but not […]
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As a middle-aged male, I feel we men are at a distinct gender disadvantage with respect to establishing and developing a strong emotional connection with a woman. For one, we don’t talk as much and therefore don’t get as much practice! To be honest, I don’t really have a good sense of what an “emotional connection” is. Could you please define this important term and suggest some ways to help create it between women and men so that it meets both their needs. - Robert Defining emotional connection is somewhat like defining love. Like love, it is a subjective experience that […]
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