He’s cute, he’s hot, and he’s totally wrong for you! The appeal of “bad boys” is undeniable for many single women, but the cost is high. One Singlescoach® reader summed it up well: Dear Nina: I have been stuck in a bad dating pattern for most of my dating life. The first part of the cycle is that I settle for the wrong guy and then it predictably doesn’t work. The second phase is that, after having my heart broken, I end up in a several-months-long dry spell while my heart mends. After the long dry spell, I end up settling on […]
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Dear Nina, I recently met a man through an internet dating site, we have been on a couple of dates and had a lovely time. The odd thing is that he only texts me between dates (no calls) and he had to cancel our third date due to a hectic day at work, and as yet has not rescheduled (it was a week ago today we were meant to meet). He texts every day and the texts are very flattering and flirty, and are starting to get quite cheeky- although I keep batting back with ones to suggest he may […]
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Dealing with relationships is potentially stressful, especially if you focus on “feelings” like most people do. Feelings – happy, sad, angry, etc. – are a guidepost to tell us how we’re reacting to the situations in our lives. Notice them and learn from them, but don’t be seduced by them in relationships. With certain partners, you may notice that you feel tremendously gratified while with that person, but how do you feel afterward? Are you left with peace of mind and heart over the long run? Or are your feelings of passion and love soon overtaken by anxiety and pain? If […]
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Taking a pen in hand and writing down your thoughts and feelings – a process known as “journaling” – has been a powerful tool for personal growth for as long as people have been writing. No one knows exactly why, but something happens in the brain and nervous system when we write down with a pen (not Word process using a keyboard) our thoughts and feelings about life events. Recent research has established a connection between journaling and better overall health. Studies show that journaling reduces stress and the health risks associated with stress. From a mental health standpoint, journaling is […]
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The number one question that I hear from single women all over the world is this one. Who asks this question? The woman who hasn’t yet found the right man with whom to share a loving, committed relationship. Where is the right person? If there were a place called “Boyfriends ‘R’ Us” where you could order up your ideal guy (height, weight, hair color, eye color, fitness, intelligence, etc.), don’t you think you would get over there in a hurry and start ordering? If there was a specific dating service, online or otherwise, or a specific arts group, or a specific group of any kind […]
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Hundreds of men and women have asked me this question in one form or another over the years, and my standard answer is this: in every case, two people carry the responsibility for the relationship. “But to what degree?,” they ask. My answer: each person is 100% responsibile for the results of the relationship. “But how can that be?” people wail. In the midst of conflict, when you’re emotionally triggered, it feels like you are the wronged one, that the other person is inflicting all the pain. Later, however, when no longer triggered, deep down you know that you contributed […]
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Mike, newly divorced and getting out into the dating scene, made this remark: “I’ve learned not to be too nice to women. For instance, if I see a woman’s profile on Match.com and I send her a disparaging remark, I get a response, usually something like ‘You just need to get to know me better.’ If I’m too nice, women don’t respond.” Unfortunately, there is a grain of truth in Mike’s contention. I’ve heard countless times from really wonderful men that they get feedback from women telling them they are too nice. What a sad statement about today’s dating scene. […]
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Dear Nina: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a month and a half. We’ve been moving at a good pace and I hope we have a strong future ahead of us. I believe he’s going to tell me he loves me soon (he’s given me indications he’s been feeling this way). I’m not sure I’m there yet. Is it concerning for someone to tell you they love you so early on in a relationship? How long should one wait? – Debbie Dear Debbie: In dating, the words “I love you” are often spoken to describe the experience of falling in love, […]
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This question was posted on Shine: Can friends with benefits develop into more? My friend will sit up with me and talk about his private family things and things he’s going through. Is that normal? I thought friends with benefits was hooking up, going home together, having some fun, and talk to you next time. I didn’t think you shared your thoughts and feelings with each other. – Friend Who Wants More Dear FWWM: Some men talk with prostitutes after sex – and yes, about their personal lives. Men share their troubles with women they are having affairs with, which is why […]
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You’re in love, you’re spending almost every night together yet paying rent for two separate homes. Is it the right time to move in together? The answer is: maybe, but it’s wise to be cautious about co-habitation. Here’s why. Let’s start with some data: contrary to popular opinion, living together is not an effective way to ensure that your marriage will be strong. Statistically, couples who live together prior to marriage have a higher divorce rate than couples who do not. It turns out that “test driving” the relationship by living together doesn’t work. Here are some other reasons NOT […]
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I’ve been asked this question countless times over the years: Can two people who were in love and break up then be friends? The answer is twofold: It depends, and maybe in time but usually not at first. To really get at this answer, we have to look at a definition of friendship. There are many kinds of friends in life – some are situational, such as co-workers or school mates. When you change jobs or graduate, those friendships often don’t last. It’s not that you didn’t like each other; it’s that you didn’t have a bond deep enough to […]
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Dear Singlescoach®: I have been in a relationship now for about five years - at times great and others not so great. Meanwhile, I think I may have a love addiction to my ex which happens to be my two childrens’ father. We had a fabulous relationship for about eight months and then downhill from there for nine years. He put me through h***. Recently we have been sexually active only because when my current partner and I fight he is the first person I call. Our relationship over the past couple of years has been great as friends ”for the kids,” sort of. He […]
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Let’s say you believe in letting a guy pay for your dates, and let’s say that instead of taking you to an expensive restaurant he takes you to a park for a picnic. Is he cheap or creative? The answer is: it depends. If he’s young and doesn’t have any money, cheap dates are a necessity. If he’s older and has money, a cheap date can be refreshing and different. What he spends the money on isn’t nearly as important as how he pulls off the date. If he asks you to make the food for the picnic and he puts little effort into […]
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Yesterday my husband and I were house-shopping, not seriously but just to see what’s out there in our neighborhood. One home we looked at had most of the features we were looking for, including a wonderful balcony overlooking a pool (a condo). There was just one problem. The pool pump was right underneath the balcony and it was very loud. This was our deal breaker, and our interest plummeted. Everyone has deal-breakers in life, and they are unique to each person. This is especially true in dating, even if held unconsciously. I call these non-negotiables, and they represent our most cherished values. Non-negotiables are […]
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Today I am grateful – for the opportunity to make a difference in others’ lives. Readers of Temptations of the Single Girl tell me it is helping them change the course of their lives. I wrote the book because of my own imperfect journey to a healthy marriage. I wrote it because of the countless stories shared with me over twenty years as a therapist by women in pain because of the men they chose. One thing I’ve learned is that it takes more than knowledge to change a life. Awareness is the first step – awareness that every time I have a […]
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Terry’s word of caution on my blog Temptation: Taking the Lead is on point: “Just a note of caution. I thought I was doing better when I started dating a guy who was crazy about me. Except that my inner gut was telling me very early on that this guy just was,…well,… a train wreck. He called me constantly and became more and more intrusive, possessive and desperate to hold on, feeling entitled to my life and home. One extreme to the other. So just be careful that the guy isn’t too crazy about you. I am now being threatened […]
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It’s the end of the show, the Rose Ceremony. Our handsome bachelor du jour is standing next to the silver tray with only four roses. Five beautiful women stand before him, waiting to find out who stays and who goes home. After handing out two roses, he pickes up the third rose. A pregnant pause ensues. Then, he says “Samantha, will you please accept this rose?” Samantha, a truly smart and self-assured woman, flashes a big smile, then tilts her head thoughtfully. “Actually, Greg, I’m going to decline the rose. Oh don’t get me wrong!” she declares. “You’re wonderful – really you […]
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How do you date? Do you meet, get to know slowly, put off sex, take your time? Or do you dive in, date whoever is standing in front of you if he’s hot, with an attitude that you will do what you want when you want to? You may not realize it, but the choices you make today are creating a future that may be far from your desired life outcomes. Dating without integrity means dating with little or no thought about the consequences to others or even the impact on your own life. It’s doing what feels good now […]
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“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting.” – Mother Theresa Okay, so maybe we can’t always be the shining example of love that was Mother Theresa. But we can benefit from her example and her words of wisdom. If you want a great relationship, one of the milestones is realizing most of the love you receive comes from the love that you give. If you think of it like “emotional muscle” […]
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Liz, responding to my blog “Can You Change a Commitmentphobe?” is striving to side-step the Temptation to Settle for Less. She also offers encouragement for Jenna, who is heartbroken over her non-committal boyfriend. Thanks, Liz, for writing in the blog! Now I want to address one of Jenna’s comments. She writes: I’m about to turn 33 and have been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs. He has been promising to get engaged for 2yrs now and nothing. I have 1 final deadline coming up in a month for him to follow through. He is now starting to drop hints that his […]
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What Women Need to Know About Men A man’s first and foremost biological driver is sex. Romance is the means to that end, and commitment and love are the ultimate means to the end. The heart and intention of a good man is set toward marriage with a good woman. So though his biology urges him to pursue sex, if he’s smart about creating a good life, he reins that in and seeks love and commitment first. One of the biggest stimulators of a man’s heart – falling in love, commitment – is the game of pursuit. He’s wired to pursue – […]
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Confusion abounds when it come to the roles of leader and follower in the dance of dating. The thousands of emails I’ve received over the years from single men and women are full of inquiries about what to do in the early stages of dating. Women want to know: Is it okay to call a guy? When is it okay? Is it okay to ask him out before he asks me out? What about later on in the relationship? Why does he say he’ll call and then he doesn’t? Is it okay for me to give him encouragement at that […]
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You’ve been dating for a few weeks/months, and now there are holiday family events, but you haven’t yet met each other’s families. What do you do? Here’s the upside and downside of introducing each other to families during the holidays. The downside is that if your relationship is very new and you don’t know where you’re headed, it can be awkward to meet families. If you invite him to your family events and he doesn’t invite you to his, that leaves you off balance, and vice versa. Families have a tendency to interpret the introductions as a prelude to getting […]
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Years ago, we called it “dating” or “relationship,” even if it was short in duration. If it involved sex, and it was longer than a one night stand, we tried to characterize it as a relationship. Now, it’s called “hooking up,” meaning that you’re having sex (oral or intercourse) but there’s not necessarily any love or commitment. Educators claim that hookups are starting as early as late elementary school and that it’s rampant by college age. So-called feminist writers argue that it is liberating for young women to express their sexuality freely without feeling the public shame of being called names [that […]
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Are you dating someone new – say, less than six months? Are you wondering what kind of gift to give, and what to expect? Here are some basic guidelines to help you decide appropriate gift giving in new dating relationships. First, make an assessment: how involved are we at this point? Have you said “I love you”? Are you sleeping together, exclusive? Are you talking about future, meeting each other’s relatives? If you’re at this level of involvement, then your gifts should reflect it. For him two or three nice but not highly expensive gifts: high end sweater, shirt, ties, bottle of […]
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