I run across stories like this all the time – “Living Single in a Doubles World” is a good example. Extrapolating from the latest statistics that tell us there are now more singles living in the U.S. than married couples, the message is that singles are choosing their status over marriage. But there’s more to the story. My question is this: If you met someone today - someone whom you found to be very attractive, someone who shared your values and was on a similar life path, someone who left you feeling all tingly inside - and that person wanted to be […]
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Years ago, we called it “dating” or “relationship,” even if it was short in duration. If it involved sex, and it was longer than a one night stand, we tried to characterize it as a relationship. Now, it’s called “hooking up,” meaning that you’re having sex (oral or intercourse) but there’s not necessarily any love or commitment. Educators claim that hookups are starting as early as late elementary school and that it’s rampant by college age. So-called feminist writers argue that it is liberating for young women to express their sexuality freely without feeling the public shame of being called names [that […]
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If you’re dating someone, long-term that is (one or more years), and you can’t bring yourself to make a commitment, take a little time and challenge yourself with these questions: Why am I in this relationship? Why is the person I’m dating in this relationship? (If you don’t know the answer to this one, find out.) Am I in love with this person? If you’re in love with the person you’re dating, then ask yourself what am I afraid of? If you’re afraid of pain, it’s time to come to terms with that fear. Life is full of pain. Suffering, on the […]
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Nicole met Brian online through a popular social networking site. They quickly discovered an array of common interests – they liked the same books and movies, both were avid runners, and on and on. For weeks, they blogged, emailed, IM’d, TM’d, and carried on an intense online flirtation. Getting his emails never failed to make her heart skip a beat. He was a great writer – smart, knowledgeable about a huge variety of topics, and sweet to boot. Finally, she worked up the courage to ask for a phone conversation. And everything ground to a halt. He stalled, claiming to […]
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Dear Nina: I have been dating a woman on and off for several years. I moved out of state six months ago and haven’t seen her but twice. The last time she visited, I noticed that she was distant after our intimate moments – not cuddling like she had in the past. One night when I was rubbing her back she said “you are smothering me.” Her distant behavior during this visit was very out of character. She has always liked being intimate with me but avoided it this last visit. I called her after she went home to tell […]
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Dear Nina: My ex-girlfriend and I met on Myspace, emailed for a week, phoned for a week, then met for dinner and a walk. We dated for two and a half weeks, walking along the beach holding hands. Then she blew me off, saying it was just a friendship and she didn’t have time for a relationship. I was angry but I moved on. A month later, she called me, apologized and wanted another chance. We dated for three months and it went well. Her only complaint was that it was annoying to witness me getting mad at drivers in […]
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As discussed in previous blogs, there is really no reason why two people can’t fall in love even with a significant gap in age. But seeking someone specifically because of the gap in age is not far from seeking someone because of money, looks, or social status. At the end of the day, there’s an objectification of other people at the bottom of these choices. Objectification means, in essence, not being able to see people for who they are, or appreciate them for who they are, but instead seeing them as a means to satisfy a need. The beautiful person you […]
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Kathy thought she’d met her ideal candidate for a serious relationship. After connecting through a popular online dating site, and talking with him on the phone, she agreed to meet at a local bar. He was a doctor; even told her which hospital he worked at. He was charming and bought her drinks. It never occurred to her that she was in danger. The next morning, she woke up groggy, sick, and in pain. A visit to the emergency room confirmed the worst: she’d been raped and drugged (with something slipped into her drink while she was in the restroom). What Kathy now knows […]
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Stacy is attractive and vivacious; men like her and are instinctively drawn to her as a result. But every guy she’s fallen in love with has turned out to be emotionally unavailable in some way. She’s clung to them through emotionally exhausting ups and downs until they finally walk away for good. Stacy is a love addict. Love addiction is a serious problem. For women, the way it manifests is usually different than the way it shows up for men. How many of these behaviors look familiar to you? If more than half of them do, you may be a […]
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Dear Nina: I am a 28 year old male who likes a 22 year old female. She is very nice and is cool to be around. There is just one problem. I would like to ask her out but I seem to always clam up and can’t get the courage to ask her out. I guess my real problem is I am afraid if I ask her and she doesn’t feel the same way that I could lose a friend or at least make her feel a little strange when hanging out. So how would I approach this? – Steven […]
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How does an accomplished woman go about finding a suitable mate, meaning someone who is an equal in the general sense of the word? I have little time or energy to hang around the traditional hunting grounds and I’m not sure about dating services. What do you suggest? – Marci Marci: This is for you and for all accomplished single women. I believe that today’s woman faces unique challenges in the search for a mate, especially if she is a person of intelligence and depth. The traditional roles no longer have appeal for this kind of woman. She tends to be […]
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“I was so blinded to the fact that he’s too good to be true,” wrote Ann in her comment. “He may be perfect but only at times when we’re together, but when we’re not… he’s nowhere to be found.” To Ann, this guy is wonderful. No doubt he’s good looking, charming, and good in bed. Maybe he has a great job, maybe he’s smart. He’s probably not a guy with a criminal past, and maybe he donates to charity. All of that looks and sounds good, but it in no way translates to perfection as a man. Because there’s a […]
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Dear Nina: What is the definition of a “rebound relationship”? Is it true they can be unhealthy? I’ve recently started dating someone who is barely divorced. My friends say she’s on the rebound. – David David: Rebound relationships occur very shortly after the end of a significant love, and sometimes begin before the end. The problem with a rebound is that it doesn’t allow time for the grieving and healing process to be complete. When this happens, there is emotional confusion. Sometimes, the feelings for the old partner simply transfer to the new one, and that results in the illusion that you’ve […]
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Are you a guy who treats women with respect? Are you a guy who understands the value of courtship, who rolls out the full-court-press when you’re intentional about a woman? Have you done so in the past, only to be treated with some or all of the following: You plan ahead, call ahead, make reservations, show up five minutes in advance, wait in your car until exactly the time, walk to her door, ring the bell, and she answers the door with her cell phone to her ear, waves you in, and continues talking while still getting ready. 20 minutes […]
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Dear Nina: I have been spending time with a man for about six months. We’ve had lunch, gone to sporting events, etc. Sometimes he asks, sometimes I ask (I asked first). We started out in a business relationship. I’m attracted to him so I would be interested in our friendship developing romantically. I don’t know how to let him know without making things uncomfortable if he doesn’t feel the same way. - Carole Carole: I hear stories like this from women a lot. Your biggest temptation here is to take the lead and cheat yourself out of the experience of being […]
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It’s your second date with the new guy you met online. You’re sitting at an upscale neighborhood bar sipping wine. He’s sitting across from you trying to make a good impression. He’s got all the right stuff – education, great job, manners. He’s single, available, and doesn’t appear to have commitment issues. Your brain starts to do a number on you. Half of your brain says “Wow, this guy has so much going for him – not like some of the losers I’ve met online recently. I can’t find a thing wrong with him. I really want this to work.” […]
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Amy met Richard online. After a couple of emails, they agreed to talk on the phone. That went well, so they set up a date for drinks after work. Sparks flew instantly. After two hours and a bottle of wine between them, they moved on to a nearby restaurant hot spot. Dinner was fabulous; they couldn’t stop talking. Time flew and suddenly they realized it was late in the evening. Richard asked if he could follow Amy home to make sure she was okay. That turned into an invitation to come in for a cup of coffee. One thing led to […]
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Dear Nina: I have been in an on and off relationship for a year and a half and I know it’s not what I want. I’ve started to go out with someone new (only a couple of dates) and I know I need to tell my boyfriend, who in the past has been possessive and jealous. What do I say, and how do I handle his questions? – Carolyn Carolyn: There is no easy way to tell someone that you are moving on, yet it’s not fair to take those steps while keeping the other person in the dark. […]
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Dear Nina: I stayed at a close friend’s house the other night. It was obvious that we have gone from friends to fancying each other. He has made it plain he wants kids and to settle down. He knows I cannot have kids but want to settle down. I am older than him and he has said to me that he likes younger women even though his last girlfriend was older than him. Anyway I stayed the night in the spare room, it was obvious we were both considering the who-joins-who question. So what is the etiquette? Should I have […]
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Dear Nina: I’m in my mid-30’s. I haven’t dated for a couple years probably because of too much trauma in past relationships I’d kind of given up. I’m bucking up and getting back into the swing of things. I’ve never been married. I really want children and a best-friend, love-of-my-life husband. So, I’m doing my best to try a new way. I’ve read two of your books. In Temptations of the Single Girl, you recommend just going to lunch with someone on the first date. How by the book do I need to do this? I understand why this is […]
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Lily and Owen knew by the third date that they were meant to be together. Their relationship unfolded almost magically over two years – they were together constantly, laughing together, dreaming of their future. They got engaged and planned the perfect wedding, but shortly after their honeymoon, Lily fell into a depression. It had nothing to do with Owen. Lily had suffered from depression in the past and erroneously believed that falling in love had fixed all of that. Lily, like many people who suffer from depression, needed bio-chemical correction, so her doctor prescribed Prozac. While her depression lifted, her marriage suffered. […]
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Dear Nina: My ex-girlfriend, who just broke up with me, sent me here to read this blog and this post, probably because I am not interested in marriage right now and don’t think I ever will be and when I told her that she got pretty pissed and walked. I don’t think I have “a paralyzing fear of commitment”; it is just that marriage doesn’t seem like something I would ever want. It seems that you think marriage is for everyone. Is there really anything wrong with not wanting to ever get married? – Teddy Dear Teddy: I actually say the […]
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Do you blame yourself for whatever goes wrong in your relationships? No matter what happens, do you second-guess yourself, worry that you said or did the wrong things and caused the other person to leave, break up, or cheat? If so, you may be a neurotic dater. What does that mean? A neurotic dater puts far too much focus on doing and saying the right things in order to create a certain result. It’s illogical, but the mind-set goes something like this: “If I can just be good enough, smart enough, good-looking enough, and say just the right things, then […]
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Dear Nina: Your advice about things to do when you’re lonely over Christmas (# 3 Holiday Dating Challenge) completely misses out those of us who are alone and yet have obligations – i.e. all the single parents. I’m lonely, too, but I have to spend my holiday season making Christmas happen for my three kids who have massive expectations about ‘Mommy-Time’ or playdates. It is almost unbearably difficult to be a family and yet not a family (i.e. with no Dad) yet without the freedom to run away from it all; and with few babysitters available so that I can […]
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Dear Nina: I have started seeing this girl recently. She works full time but is also a part time student. We had a great first date, staying out to 2am on a week night just talking and our conversation only stopped because it started to rain. I followed up a couple days later by asking her out on a second date on a Friday night. She text’d me on Thursday saying that she couldn’t make it on Friday, how about Saturday instead. I said ok, Saturday is fine. Saturday, she told me she couldn’t make it because she had to finish her homework for an online […]
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