You can’t rehabilitate a wounded girl by loving her. Brandon found out the hard way through two years of turmoil with Brianna. She was gorgeous, even did some modeling at one point. But what really sucked Brandon in was her pain. Brianna had a long history of abuse that began in childhood and continued with every guy she dated. Brandon wanted desperately to show her that love, his love, could change her life. Brianna was unstable at work, so jobs seemed to slip through her fingers. She was terrible with money – she didn’t earn nearly enough for the lifestyle she craved. She had […]
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I have been in an on and off relationship for a year and a half and I know it’s not what I want. I’ve started to go out with someone new (only a couple of dates) and I know I need to tell my boyfriend, who in the past has been possessive and jealous. What do I say, and how do I handle his questions? – Carolyn There is no easy way to tell someone that you are moving on, yet it’s not fair to take those steps while keeping the other person in the dark. So, I acknowledge […]
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Michael asked if he and his girlfriend have a chance at a healthy love and a life of accomplishment of goals. With multiple addictions between them, and a family history of addictions on both sides, they have many challenges. Here’s my message to them. Michael: first of all, I want to acknowledge you for sharing your story and for having the self-insight to be concerned about your future (and your future children’s lives). The first step in any process of recovery and growth is, as you know, awareness, and then declaring the truth of your situation. Second, the most useful way to view […]
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Love Strategies August 15th: It was truly a mix of topics, starting with women leaving their marriages in droves, touching on honesty in online dating, and ending with an inspirational quote from Kahlil Gibran on love. Listen to the whole show here. This story appeared in the Dallas Morning News over the weekend: Why are women leaving their marriages? Journalist Christine Wicker cited anecdotal evidence that middle-aged women are not content staying married to the husbands with whom they’ve spent the past several decades. Confronted with mid life, they are questioning the decisions of the past, and many are carving out an escape path. […]
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Dear Nina: I’m in a three year relationship. The hours that we work differ greatly and as a result, we do not get to spend the time together that I would like. My daughter seems to want to love her, but when I ask her to go and spend time as a family, there are an abundance of excuses. Even watching TV she will sit away from us and then claims that I push her away when my daughter is there. I just don’t understand what else I can do other than continue to ask her to join us. I […]
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Dear Nina: What a God-send to find your site and books! I’m heartbroken after 1.5 years with the man I thought was the love of my life. I’m ordering your book Temptations of the Single Girl today and can’t wait to read it; I think I’m dealing with Loving a Wounded Guy. He was just ending a very painful marriage when we met, and I thought that all he needed was a good woman to help him heal. Because of his emotional fragility, I never brought up commitment or marriage, so I guess I Denied My True Desires as well. I […]
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Dear Nina, I recently met a man through an internet dating site, we have been on a couple of dates and had a lovely time. The odd thing is that he only texts me between dates (no calls) and he had to cancel our third date due to a hectic day at work, and as yet has not rescheduled (it was a week ago today we were meant to meet). He texts every day and the texts are very flattering and flirty, and are starting to get quite cheeky- although I keep batting back with ones to suggest he may […]
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“I choose to reclaim my sense of personal power.” Great! That’s a wonderful first step for you post break-up. Now you need specific actions and behaviors in order to maintain your personal power. I’ll start with a list of “don’ts”: Don’t call your Ex unless you have a specific purpose such as arranging to return belongings; in that case, keep it short and sweet When you feel the pain and resentment rise up, do not call your Ex while you are feeling that way; instead, take a few minutes to “download” – write your thoughts and feelings in the form […]
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Ashlee was so excited about her date with Andrew. He’d promised to meet her at Starbucks at 10am on Saturday. She was there at 9:55. At 10:10, an eternity later, he called saying he was just a few minutes away. He walked in the door at 10:35, after what felt like another eternity of waiting, apologizing profusely. She instantly forgave and they had a delightful date. Their second date was at a restaurant. Ashlee again waited, this time for 25 minutes. He apologized but didn’t have a good excuse other than traffic. He also seemed distracted, often looking past her […]
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Nothing grabs your attention more than having someone you love abruptly exit. It’s emotionally traumatic, meaning that there’s no way to prepare yourself for such a sudden loss, so it hits you on all levels. You’re sad and/or angry, you can’t sleep, you can’t concentrate at work, and you wear out your support network with long, obsessive conversations about why this happened and what you might do. Deep down, what hits hardest is the realization that you’ve lost all sense of control over the situation. Your Ex has grabbed all the power in the relationship. This situation, like all challenging […]
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Sara writes: “Help! My boyfriend, after a 3 month intense relationship, suddenly backed off. Is there any hope he’ll come back?” Danielle writes: “What can I do to win back the man I love? He broke up with me after two years saying he wasn’t ready for a commitment.” Chris writes: “I’m in love with Kristen and she went back to her old boyfriend after dating me for six months and telling me she loves me! Can I get her back?” What all of these stories have in common is loss: the person you loved left, backed off, or went […]
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If you read the post – Boredom and Relationships – and saw your partner(s), you may be on the flip side of this dynamic. Instead of being the instigator of drama, you choose people who will instigate it for you. Guess what? You are just as invested in drama as your low-boredom-threshold partner. But you will have difficulty seeing this since you’ve cleverly hidden it in the other person’s behavior. Stable relationships are not necessarily exciting relationships – not once you get past the early enchantment stage. If you tend to date people who keep things stirred up, who instigate […]
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Dawn asks what to do if a woman notices that finances are a tool being used to control her. She tells the story of a guy who insisted on paying, despite her efforts to share the tab, on the grounds of being a “Southern Gentleman.” She rightly ended the relationship when it became apparent that he was no gentleman at all. How do you know if money is being used in an attempt to control? A real gentleman pays because he’s in pursuit mode for a real relationship. He’s happy to pay, not to create a sexual obligation, but because being […]
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Since a significant number of singles (30% of men and 19% of women) using dating web sites believe that it’s okay to lie, that puts the responsibility for detecting liars squarely on you. But how can you tell if someone is being honest with you or not? First the truth about liars – there are some people who are able to con almost anyone, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you get fooled. And don’t expect to develop a 100% accurate internal lie detector. In fact, studies indicate that the average person’s ability to detect deception is about 50% accurate, […]
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How do I learn to trust again after I have been so hurt in past relationships? The ability to trust, to open my heart to love and to be loved, is something that I consider my most precious asset in life. I recognize that I am in charge of it, of the ability to trust, and that it resides within me. Does the behavior of others ever affect that? Absolutely. The ravages of relationships gone wrong have certainly shaken my faith in love and caused me to question my trusting nature. From time to time, I have felt damaged in […]
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Dear Nina: I’ve read your book, Temptations of the Single Girl, and I’m getting ready to read Be Your Own Dating Service and I really need your advice. I’m 43 years old and until a year ago, I have never been in a relationship, and I mean never. I wish I knew why, people tell me I’m attractive. I have had some weight issues, which could be one reason why men weren’t attracted to me. It hasn’t been from my lack of trying. I’ve known and liked different men over the years, but I guess I just wasn’t choosing the […]
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Dear Singlescoach: I am a 28 yr old woman and I am dating a 17 year old guy. He will be 18 in 5 months. And amazingly this has been the best relationship I have ever been in. However, there are a few problems… His parents don’t approve (especially his mother) and my sister thinks I’m making a mistake and being foolish. Age of consent in the state we live in is 17, so that’s not a problem. But the town we live in is small and the gossip has gotten so bad about us. People are talking about it like […]
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A growing trend in singles land is the attraction of a beautiful mind. Singles in major metropolitan cities are reporting that they are tired of the bar scene and wish to meet someone who shares their intellectual pursuits. Instead of standing in line at trendy bars, they are lining up for lectures and museum tours. The bar scene has always been the Plan B of singles, but maybe it’s time to declare “enough!” Meeting people in bars is fraught with difficulties, among them the necessity to screen for alcoholism. It almost seems like an I.Q. test, but many singles who […]
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In a recent Time Magazine article, the report from decades of research is that marriage helps both men and women live longer and healthier. But if you read the full story, you find that for women the caveat is this: the marriage must be good for her in order for her to experience the health benefits. The biggest factor? How much your relationship causes your brain to trigger the release of the stress hormone cortisol. During conflict, our brains automatically interpret that we are in danger, and it doesn’t distinguish between actual physical danger and a social threat. That sends […]
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What happens when you get to the point of “No matter what the outcome I will be okay?” I seem to have the problem now that I know I’m okay and don’t need someone, I don’t get close to anyone. There is an important distinction between individuation (basically, that I am a separate human being who is complete even when not in a relationship) and the fear of intimacy. You know it is the latter when you don’t allow yourself to get close to another person. As human beings, we seek the middle ground, but sometimes we miss. Perhaps at […]
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Dear Nina: I have fallen in love with someone who thinks he’s in love with someone else. I still want to hang on. I’ve let myself fall in love with him, and I feel desperate to keep him in my life in some way even though I know it’s unhealthy. How can I break this hold? – Julie Julie: The key words in your question are “desperate” and “unhealthy,” both of which indicate that you are crossing the line into what is referred to as love addiction*. This is basically a relationship in which you cannot get your needs met […]
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For years I’ve written about the importance of communication in dating - being able to open up and express what you really think and feel; listening to understand - so that you can really get to know the person you are thinking of spending your life with. New research shows that being able to open up about how you feel is vital to women’s health. What this research tells us about dating is that you need to date someone long enough to get past the enchantment stage, get into some arguments, and discover your style of communication during the discussion of stressful […]
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Sandy fell deeply in love with Greg over the course of their romance. By the fourth date she was sure he was the one for her. He seemed to return her feelings and their relationship progressed nicely until the fourth week. Suddenly, he stopped calling as much, begging off with excuses like overwork and needing time with his buddies. The more he pulled away, the more obsessed she became with trying to get him back. He began avoiding her calls and not returning her emails, and this sent her into an emotional tailspin. This story took a dramatic turn when she showed up at […]
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Divorce is one of the most painful of life events, and for women it can be doubly painful because of emotional and financial dependency. Studies continue to show that most women experience a substantial loss in living standards post divorce. On the flip side, successful women who divorce often find themselves forced to provide spousal support for a non-working ex husband (the downside of our hard won equality over the past few decades). Trying to find the right resources when divorce is imminent can be very difficult. Emotions hold sway and thinking is often unclear. But there are excellent resources […]
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New relationships can be full of excitement and fun, and if you’re on the same page, it’s a wonderful and fulfilling time of life. But they can also be the turning point for your life going in the wrong direction toward pain and heartache that can take years to mend. These dating missteps can be difficult to recover from, but watching out for and avoiding them can make all the difference in establishing a healthy foundation. 1.) Sex too soon – having sex before you have crossed the bridge of love and commitment engenders guilt and obligation instead of passionate attachment. 2.) Too much […]
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