What do love and addiction have in common? Both involve powerful brain chemicals that drive behavior. Today’s story of astronaut Lisa Nowak’s crazed mission to kidnap a perceived rival is a case study of the destructive power of love addiction. Like the drug addict who holds up a convenience store employee for money to fuel his habit, the love addict will go to extremes to fuel the obsession with the “love object.” Recent science shows that our brains are wired in a specific area for romantic love with the same chemicals that are involved in addiction (i.e., dopamine and norepinephrine […]
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Smart Dating is best illustrated by the acronym S.M.A.R.T. Dating: S = Strategic [focused on the big picture of your life] M = Marriage Minded [aimed at your big life goal] A = Attraction [utlilzing basic laws of attraction to bring you what you really desire] R = Relational [emotionally connected; emotionally intelligent] T = Truthful [with integrity] In the next five blog posts, we’ll explore what each one means.
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The first three dates are in some ways the most important. Why? Because that’s when you have the greatest opportunity to balance chemistry with logic. Later, when you’re falling in love, it’s too late to expect much logic. There are two basic approaches to the first three dates that most people fall into. In one camp are folks like Joe. Joe is looking for the “love of his life,” but he’s been searching for a long time. He belongs to several online dating services and has an active social life. He’s attractive, so he has no problem getting dates with […]
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Mindy meets guys all the time, gets asked out a lot. She’s hooked up with three different guys over the past six months. Each time, they started out hot and heavy, but the flames died quickly. They quit calling. She thought, “Oh well,” and quickly moved on. Eric meets girls all the time, asks them out, has no trouble getting hot and heavy very fast. But, he finds that he’s bored within a couple of months, and exits as gently as possible. Soon, he’s after someone new. His married friends envy his freewheeling single life with hot women. Secretly, he […]
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Josh meets Erin at a trendy bar; he flirts and buys her a drink. She flirts back. He asks for her card; she gives it. The next day, she gets an email asking if she wants to get together sometime in the next few days. Chris asks Kelly out to dinner, plans it, gets reservations. She’s waiting for a better offer and gets it. Two hours before the date, she sends him an email canceling the date with an excuse about not feeling well. These are just two examples of poor dating etiquette. [We’d like more examples, so please send yours.] In Josh’s case, he’s […]
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This week’s theme on the SinglesCoach blog is Smart Dating: Using tools and structure to greatly increase positive outcomes. Unconscious dating means dating without any structure, plan, or awareness of the impact of your choices on your life. Unconscious = making lots of big mistakes; yes, you can eventually learn that way, but the price tag in divorce and multiple break-ups is high. Smart dating = being conscious and aware, making choices with some idea of future impact on your life. Again, you’ll learn along the way but with a much smaller price tag. The term “dating” almost represents a forgotten […]
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The cure for mixed signals in dating is simple: over communicate! If you have a tendency to hold back your thoughts and feelings, hoping that the other person’s behavior will eventually reveal the truth, speak up! Ask, reflect, give your perspective, clarify, listen, push back when it doesn’t make sense. In short, open the dialog and keep it open until you get that solid feeling in your gut that says “I get it”! Read my books and listen to my tapes for all the tools for communicating powerfully as you date and decide. Watch out for your own agenda. If […]
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Unilateral decision making is a huge mistake in relationships. What does that mean? In dating, it means trying to draw conclusions about someone’s thoughts, feelings, and intentions minus feedback. Carry this habit forward into marriage and one day someone comes home from work to find the furniture moved and a divorce petition in the front hallway. Relationships are a two-way street and that means constant feedback. While you can create certain theories based on behavior and life history, it’s impossible to really know another person’s mindset without asking them. In healthy relationships, there’s an ongoing exchange of mindsets, an ongoing dialog […]
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Another common dating mistake is trying to read someone’s behavior with no context to refer to. The context I’m talking about is “life context,” meaning the person’s personal relationship history. How do you find out someone’s “life context”? By asking lots of personal, even intrusive, questions. Dating is personal. Sometimes people say, “but that’s so personal! How can I ask that on a second or third date?” My answer is: dating is personal! Dating is about deciding who to bond with, invest with emotionally, and ultimately, who to marry. It doesn’t get any more personal than that. Making powerful decisions […]
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Viv’s question in the last post highlights another common dating mistake: overanalyzing others’ behavior to try to figure out what they’re thinking and feeling. Carrie and friends in Sex and the City did this constantly. First, the long descriptors of his every action, word, facial expression, and body language. Then, the dissecting. What does it mean? What does he mean? What does it mean for our future? Do we have a future? Overanalyzing is a way to stay emotionally safe. In the comfort of the company of good friends, it’s safe to examine his behavior. There’s no emotional risk in […]
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Dear SinglesCoach: If a man treats you like a queen but has a “friend” ( he never calls her a girl friend) that he says he is not committed to should I run? He seems wonderful and has helped me tremendously in the last 2 years but his signals are very confusing. When I am around him, he is attentive, affectionate (hugs and brief lip kisses) has done a lot of nice things for me in the last year. All things I was missing in my marriage. I feel like he is a soulmate. He invited me and my brother and sister who were […]
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Solidify your spiritual path. Regardless of your religious orientation, or even lack thereof, the most powerful component of attraction is a strong inner life. Having a spiritual path means that you believe in something greater than yourself, that you have faith in your soul’s journey through life, that you believe you are ultimately being taken care of by God, Spirit, or however you reference your higher power. With a solid spiritual path, you can better handle the ups and downs of dating, the disappointments when a promising love turns into a dud. Your spiritual path is your “center” in life, […]
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Get real about your “personal presentation.” At the risk of sounding superficial, I must address one of the most salient aspects of attraction: how you look! Like it or not, in the singles world, you are first judged by your appearance, second by your facial expression, and last by your personality (which takes time to reveal). Those first few impressions make all the difference in whether or not you get the date. Here’s the truth: if you are height/weight proportionate, have a hairstyle that’s current, and wear clean, pressed clothes in current styles, you’ve pretty much got personal presentation nailed. If you’re […]
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Create a fulfilling life now. The key to being relaxed about the timing of love is to be generally content with life, now. If you want to own a home, buy it. If you crave a European vacation, take it. If you want that degree you didn’t finish, complete it. If you want more money, figure out how to earn it. Start that business, go to that spa. In short, live now, be present in your life, enjoy life for exactly what it is. Healthy, balanced people are drawn to others who have their lives together. No one wants a […]
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Let go of the end result. Paradoxically, if you want to be successful in dating, you must desire a good relationship while simultaneously having no attachment to if or when it will happen. The key is this: your intention is to have a loving, healthy, balanced relationship. That means a relationship that is good for both people in it, you and the other person as well! Creating a good, loving, lasting relationship takes a great deal more than initial attraction. It takes emotional intelligence and maturity. It also means that as you date, you pay attention logically to the patterns that are developing. […]
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Consider two friends, Julie and Kristen. They are almost the same age, both mid thirties. Both want a good relationship leading to a happy marriage. They’re both college educated and have good jobs. They’re attractive, though neither is a beauty queen. Julie dates lots of guys. Men are attracted to her everywhere she goes, like bees to honey. Kristen can’t get a date no matter how hard she tries. What’s different? Let’s look a little deeper. Julie is self-confident. She likes herself and she enjoys life on many levels. She has a genuinely positive attitude overall, though she has her […]
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Create a Vision Statement. Now that you’ve identified your core values and how they manifest in a relationship, write a powerful vision statement that pulls all of it together. Devote some time to this exercise. Set aside quiet time, light candles or play your favorite soft music. Meditate and reflect on the picture you have in your mind of the ideal relationship. Don’t focus on what the person will look like - how tall, how beautiful, or how wealthy. Instead, put your focus on the dynamics of the relationship you want to have. This where the rubber meets the road! How […]
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Go for character first. Good looks can fade over a lifetime: bodies gain weight, hair turns gray, wrinkles appear. That’s the reality, so get real about it. While you’re single and searching, focus on character: your own and that of the people you date. Does that mean you don’t care about attraction? Of course not! But take a leap of faith with me and trust that if you focus on the right target, out of all those folks with character there will be someone you find divinely attractive. What does character mean? In a nutshell, it’s the ability to do […]
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The power of attraction is immeasurable. Though it may seem relationships are random, in reality we are constantly sending out the energy of attraction and that draws certain people in while keeping other people away. The problem is that we don’t stop and calibrate the mechanism of attraction so that we can draw in what we really want. The first step is to determine exactly that. Let’s start with what you don’t want: anger, manipulation, neediness, fear of commitment, chaos, addiction, abuse, neglect, incompatibility, infidelity, emotional disconnection, dishonesty, or bottom line, lack of love. Great. Now that you know what […]
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How would you change your advice on dating for a single person with children? Aren’t there so many issues involved that make it nearly impossible to start dating, much less get to the point of a serious commitment? Also, when is it appropriate to introduce a dating partner to your children? - Karen Without a doubt, being a parent changes the logistics and dynamics of socializing and dating. It’s challenging enough to get out and search for a partner, but when you have to handle child care and your children’s questions as well, it’s even more so. Time – to a […]
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What happens when you get to the point of “No matter what the outcome I will be okay?” I seem to have the problem now that I know I’m okay and don’t need someone, I don’t get close to anyone. There is an important distinction between individuation (basically, that I am a separate human being who is complete even when not in a relationship) and the fear of intimacy. You know it is the latter when you don’t allow yourself to get close to another person. As human beings, we seek the middle ground, but sometimes we miss. Perhaps at […]
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I have been single for six years since my divorce, and had two significant long-term relationships that ended very painfully (Westbound Trains). In the past several months, I have practiced what you teach; going out with men casually at first and taking time to find out the potential; having the Shopping Conversation by the 4th or 5th date. The past two men that I have really hit it off with (similar values, lots in common) have abruptly exited shortly after becoming exclusive, even though they both assured me that they were ready for a relationship. I have felt blind-sided both […]
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By Nina Atwood How do you define “falling in love?” I don’t know when I am in love – how do I recognize someone that I love? Falling in love is a purely subjective experience that is different for each person, so it’s difficult to define in a way that speaks to everyone. It’s sort of like asking for a definition of the color blue. You know what it looks like and so do I, but do we truly see the same color? Most people experience falling in love in a variety of ways. It is a sweeping sense of […]
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By Nina Atwood I have a long history of choosing men who are emotionally unavailable in some way. In your recent relationship training, you stated that we choose unavailable partners because we are ourselves unavailable in some way. How am I being unavailable, and how can I change this pattern so that I can attract a Northbound Train? – Cathy If you’re over the age of 20, you have some emotional baggage, to one degree or another. Some have more than do others, and it tends to get heavier as we get older and have successive relationships and/or marriages that […]
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By Nina Atwood How do I learn to trust again after I have been so hurt in past relationships? The ability to trust, to open my heart to love and to be loved, is something that I consider my most precious asset in life. I recognize that I am in charge of it, of the ability to trust, and that it resides within me. Does the behavior of others ever affect that? Absolutely. The ravages of relationships gone wrong have certainly shaken my faith in love and caused me to question my trusting nature. From time to time, I have […]
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