In this freewheeling, sex-and-the-city, post-modern, uber-woman, I-don’t-need-a-man, 50% divorce world, does it still make sense to aim for marriage? The answer is: It depends. It depends on the vision you have for your life, your willingness to be flexible, how open your heart is, and how able you are to make a real commitment. If your goal is supreme independence (I don’t want to have to answer to anyone), you’ll probably remain single, unless your attitude changes. If your goal is marriage, then the next question is: How do you get him to have that goal? The obvious answer is: you […]
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Stacie wondered how much she should query a guy on the first date. Should she ask about his past relationships? That seemed so personal, so private, and she was reluctant to pry. So what are first dates supposed to be about? What topics are taboo? The primary purpose of a first date is to decide whether or not there’s any point in dating. There are two questions that you need answered by the end of the date: What is my level of attraction? Sparks or no sparks? Are there any red flags that are telling me this is doomed at the […]
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Katie says that her married friends sometimes criticize her for not devoting enough time to searching for her future husband. They say that she’s too focused on her career and doesn’t make time for getting out, meeting men, and dating. They want her to be happy, so they pressure her to find a man. She wants to be happy today, whether or not she’s got a guy. Who is right? Singles are often given the message that they should be in a relationship and that it’s bad if they’re not. “Have you met anyone new?” is the question. If you say […]
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You’re standing there in front of someone new, someone cute, someone you would maybe like to date. Suddenly, you’re tongue-tied, at a loss for words, can’t think of anything intelligent to say. Your brain does a quick file scan, searching desperately for a good “line.” Before you can let the words out, your brain sends you a second message: “What if this sounds like a line? What if I turn her off because I sound like some slick dude trying to score?” More consternation and another protracted pause. Do you feel your anxiety rising as you recall times like this? Let’s […]
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Amy met Richard online. After a couple of emails, they agreed to talk on the phone. That went well, so they set up a date for drinks after work. Sparks flew instantly. After two hours and a bottle of wine between them, they moved on to a nearby restaurant hot spot. Dinner was fabulous; they couldn’t stop talking. Time flew and suddenly they realized it was late in the evening. Richard asked if he could follow Amy home to make sure she was okay. That turned into an invitation to come in for a cup of coffee. One thing led to […]
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Men aren’t the only ones who shoot themselves in the foot on first dates. Women are also vulnerable. The goal on a first date isn’t to win him over or impress him. When a woman focuses on winning a guy over, she takes away his natural urge to pursue. This throws the relationship off balance at the get-go. Instead, a woman’s goal is to be her best self and trust the process to reveal whether or not this date holds the possibility of a good relationship. That said, she must pay attention to behavior that could sabotage her goal. Things NOT […]
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If you want to stand out in the dating scene guys, a good place to start is to pay attention to your first date behavior. The following are things NOT to do if you want to impress a woman. These examples come from real dating stories, believe it or not. If you want to impress a woman, don’t: Show up on first dates in blue jeans Ask her if you can wipe your wet hands (from your drink glass) on her skirt After you meet via dating service, wait two weeks to call and ask for a date Wait until Thursday or […]
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Anita couldn’t believe what was happening. The geeky guy with the pocket protector was standing in front of her chattering animatedly. She felt trapped, unable to break away because of the voice inside her that kept saying, “it’s rude to just walk away.” Meanwhile, the totally hot guy she’d had her eye on earlier was getting away. She was smiling and her head was nodding but inside, she was seething. Anita suffers from Too Nice Syndrome. Getting trapped in a conversation with someone you don’t like is one of the risks you take as a single person, but it doesn’t have to […]
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If you’ve ever been set up by a friend and experienced a disastrous date as a result, take heart! Set-ups by friends don’t have to be negative experiences; in fact, they can be opportunities for growth and discovery, if you have the right mind-set. One of the problems with set-ups is unrealistic expectations. Your friend says, “I’ve got someone wonderful to introduce you to! You are going to so like this guy! He’s fabulous, he’s everything you’re looking for!” Enthusiasm bubbles out of your friend and if you’re not careful, you are caught up in that enthusiasm. Next thing you know, […]
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Jordan and Haley had been dating for four weeks. They spent Saturday nights and Sunday afternoons together, and they went out two nights per week. Things were heating up and Haley wondered whether Jordan was dating anyone else. Here’s how she handled it. First, she set the stage by looking for the right venue and timing. She steered their date that Saturday night to a quiet neighborhood spot so they could talk more intimately without shouting. Second, she planned ahead and took notes which she kept in her pocketbook as a back-up. Third, she broached the subject boldly yet with no agenda other […]
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How long should you date before you become exclusive? The answer is: it depends. The question is: what are you looking for? If you’re trying to date with no strings attached, then you can go for months, maybe even years. But if you read the SinglesCoach blog regularly, you know by now that it doesn’t work to date for a long time without a commitment. If your goal is a committed relationship leading to marriage, then exclusivity is a benchmark for progress toward your goal. Let’s look at how that works. You meet someone you’re attracted to, and the feeling […]
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If you’re single, female, and over 20, you’re probably wondering where to go to meet all those great guys. Take heart! Right here in a suburb of Dallas, Texas, we have the place to go – Arlington. That’s right - Arlington, Texas was voted number four on a list of best cities in the country to meet men, according to a survey in Men’s Health referred to in a recent Dallas Business Journal article. The Arlington Convention and Visitors Bureau is really excited about this and plans to promote Arlington as a destination for “girlfriend getaways” because of its abundance of […]
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Jerry and Lisa spent lots of time together over the past six months. He wasn’t dating anyone and neither was she, so they called each other, went to dinner, sometimes to movies, and hung out at each other’s place. In Jerry’s mind, they were friends only. Meanwhile, he searched for someone special to date. He met Sherry and sparks flew. The next thing Lisa knew, Jerry was incommunicado and awol. She was hurt and furious. Jerry couldn’t understand why Lisa wasn’t happy for him that he met someone special. What happened? What Jerry didn’t know was that Lisa’s feelings for him had turned […]
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If the recent posts about whether or not you’re a narcissistic dater did not resonate for you – you don’t see yourself that way – they might resonate in terms of your choices of dating partners. Do you have a pattern of choosing people who are self-absorbed, self-focused, and unable to really give emotionally? Do you fall for charm and charisma only to find later that it’s all about them? If so, your chooser is definitely broken, but it can be fixed. Following are a handful of reasons you might be going for the narcissist instead of the giver: You […]
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Are you a Narcissistic Dater like Justin or Shelly? This personal inventory will help you gain insight and take corrective action if you are. Take a few minutes and go through these questions, writing down your answers. Be as honest as you possibly can – the information you’ll gain is for your own development and growth. Think of yourself in dating situations as context for your answers. When I’m dating someone, I am aware of the other person’s emotional needs and can clearly articulate them: a. Most of the time, b. Some of the time, or c. Almost never. When […]
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Justin can’t seem to date anyone for more than a few months. He’s wowed by Carly’s beauty, and he tells her he’s looking for someone to love and marry. But secretly, he’s bothered by her imperfections. After three months of seeing each other almost every day, he’s begun to catalog her flaws: she bites her nails, she forgets things like her cell phone, she’s not a “star” at work, and she seems insecure when he pays any attention to other women. Worst of all, he doesn’t feel adored by her. She’s nice, but she’s not falling all over him. Already he’s thinking […]
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“I choose to reclaim my sense of personal power.” Great! That’s a wonderful first step for you post break-up. Now you need specific actions and behaviors in order to maintain your personal power. I’ll start with a list of “don’ts”: Don’t call your Ex unless you have a specific purpose such as arranging to return belongings; in that case, keep it short and sweet When you feel the pain and resentment rise up, do not call your Ex while you are feeling that way; instead, take a few minutes to “download” – write your thoughts and feelings in the form […]
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Nothing grabs your attention more than having someone you love abruptly exit. It’s emotionally traumatic, meaning that there’s no way to prepare yourself for such a sudden loss, so it hits you on all levels. You’re sad and/or angry, you can’t sleep, you can’t concentrate at work, and you wear out your support network with long, obsessive conversations about why this happened and what you might do. Deep down, what hits hardest is the realization that you’ve lost all sense of control over the situation. Your Ex has grabbed all the power in the relationship. This situation, like all challenging […]
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Sara writes: “Help! My boyfriend, after a 3 month intense relationship, suddenly backed off. Is there any hope he’ll come back?” Danielle writes: “What can I do to win back the man I love? He broke up with me after two years saying he wasn’t ready for a commitment.” Chris writes: “I’m in love with Kristen and she went back to her old boyfriend after dating me for six months and telling me she loves me! Can I get her back?” What all of these stories have in common is loss: the person you loved left, backed off, or went […]
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Smart Dating means being honest and authentic. Far too much game-playing goes on in the singles world, and it thwarts our real intentions to establish healthy relationships. While some people are downright dishonest with evil intentions, most of the lack of authenticity can be traced to ego-driven goals: to save face, to “look good,” and to avoid rejection. Our egos rule the day when we’re fearful: of being alone, of loss, of rejection. When we’re not authentic, we create a false persona and then present that to the other person. If that person does the same, we have two false personas in a dance […]
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What does Valentine’s Day mean to you? “Commercialism at its worst!” you may feel. “An opportunity to show someone special how much I cherish our relationship,” could be your mantra. Or you may simply feel depressed that you don’t have someone special to acknowledge you. Depending on your point of view, you may choose to skip over this “holiday” or you may take action and enjoy it. If you’re “single and searching,” it’s definitely more challenging to make something good out of Valentine’s Day, but it’s possible. I’m old enough to remember exchanging valentines with every class mate – I think it […]
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Smart Dating is about focusing on the quality of your relationships, all of them, especially your dating relationships. Instead of focusing on your agenda to win someone over or to make a great impression, focus on connection. But not just any connection: positive, meaningful connection. What does that mean? Dating is about relating, and the quality of your dating life will rise in direct proportion to your ability to positively relate with others, even those who are not lifetime love candidates. Postive, meaningful connection happens when you take a keen interest in the other person. Instead of focusing on you, focus […]
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Smart dating means a focus on attraction, and that’s not about a hot body and movie star face. It’s about answering the fundamental question: what am I attracting? Even more important: What do I want to attract in the future? What are you attracting? To really understand it, take a look at your past relationships. If you look back and see love, devotion, emotional availability and real commitment, you’re attracting the right stuff. Of course, if that’s what you see, you’re probably not single today unless you lost your spouse through death. If you look back and see other things: […]
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At the end of the day, dating is about marriage. It’s about choosing someone special to share life with, for a lifetime, and that eventually means getting married, for most people. But let’s make a clear distinction: “marriage” as a goal vs. “wedding” as a goal. Last night I heard the story of a friend’s daughter whose wedding is going to cost $60,000. Wow. She’ll have a fantastic party for that kind of ticket price, but will she have a good marriage? Clearly, there’s no correlation between the two. What we’re concerned with here is how to date so that […]
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S is for Strategic, meaning that you look at the big picture of your life. Focus on what you want in the long run and do today what will most likely get you where you want to be. Enjoy the present moment but don’t make the mistake of focusing only on momentary pleasure. If it feels good today but is not in alignment with the “big picture,” learn to say “no, thanks” and “next!” Ashley and Brianna are friends, but their intentions couldn’t be more different. Ashley is crystal clear that what she wants is a soul mate she can […]
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