It’s that time of year again – holiday music playing, parties and merry-making, couples strolling along laughing, family, and all the trimmings. If you’re not in a relationship, all the holiday trappings in the world may not stave off your feelings of loneliness. At parties, you may be the odd man out (or odd woman out). What can you do besides turn into Scrooge, mutter “bah humbug!” and withdraw? Being single during the holidays doesn’t have to mean suffering through and praying for the day after New Year. It can actually be an opportunity, if you choose to look at it […]
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If you’re dating someone, long-term that is (one or more years), and you can’t bring yourself to make a commitment, take a little time and challenge yourself with these questions: Why am I in this relationship? Why is the person I’m dating in this relationship? (If you don’t know the answer to this one, find out.) Am I in love with this person? If you’re in love with the person you’re dating, then ask yourself what am I afraid of? If you’re afraid of pain, it’s time to come to terms with that fear. Life is full of pain. Suffering, on the […]
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When was the last time you were kissed for the first time by someone new? I don’t mean a casual peck on the cheek. I mean a hot, passionate, bone-melting, knee-weakening, no-holds-barred kiss. Now ask yourself this: what happened after that? Did you hook up (as in casual sex), start a long-term relationship, or go your separate ways? The answer may have something to do with your gender. A new study tells us that the first big kiss means something different to guys than it does to women. For most men, a hot kiss with a new woman may be nothing […]
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As discussed in previous blogs, there is really no reason why two people can’t fall in love even with a significant gap in age. But seeking someone specifically because of the gap in age is not far from seeking someone because of money, looks, or social status. At the end of the day, there’s an objectification of other people at the bottom of these choices. Objectification means, in essence, not being able to see people for who they are, or appreciate them for who they are, but instead seeing them as a means to satisfy a need. The beautiful person you […]
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Now there’s a new way to meet your soul mate: adventure dating. The idea is that you sign up for a trip doing something that gets your adrenaline flowing; you look over at the person sharing your raft through the rapids and make a connection. I think this idea has some merit. If you’re into travel and adventure, and I mean adventure like climbing mountains and whitewater rafting, it can be difficult to date enough people to find someone who shares those interests. With Adventure Dating, you start out knowing that you share an uncommon interest. There’s an immediate connection […]
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Shanice and Samantha are commiserating about the pain of dating a commitmentphobe. They’re not alone – lots of women are facing this. Maybe they didn’t see it coming – mistaking hesitancy to commit for other things (i.e., he just needs more time). However they got there, the pain is real for them. If you are dating a commitmentphobe, the first step for you is to acknowledge the truth: over his problem you have NO CONTROL. That’s right – NO CONTROL. That means that you absolutely, positively, definitely, and certainly CANNOT FIX IT. No matter how patiently you wait, no matter […]
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On Monday night’s episode of The Bachelor, Brad had the arduous task of meeting all four womens’ families. At the end, he sent Sheena home, to her surprise and dismay. Earlier, Sheena had gushed about how wonderful their connection was, convinced that Brad was falling in love with her. And why not? After all, he gave her the most amazingly romantic date experience ever just a few days earlier, complete with gown, diamond earrings, a musical ensemble playing in the background, and dancing under starry skies. Add all those things up, and it looks like love is blooming. Now, imagine the sound […]
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I run across stories like this all the time – “Living Single in a Doubles World” is a good example. Extrapolating from the latest statistics that tell us there are now more singles living in the U.S. than married couples, the message is that singles are choosing their status over marriage. But there’s more to the story. My question is this: If you met someone today - someone whom you found to be very attractive, someone who shared your values and was on a similar life path, someone who left you feeling all tingly inside - and that person wanted to be […]
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Let’s imagine Maggie as a woman with low self-esteem. Her story might have played out in an entirely different way, much like the following. Maggie, after dating Jake for several months and enduring his verbal put-downs, began to feel even less worthy than she did at the beginning of the relationship. She was plagued with self-doubt, worrying that she was the cause of Jake’s responses to her. She halfway believed what he was telling her – that she was the problem, that he could easily date someone better. She began trying to appease Jake, backing down during conflict, seeking a way to calm […]
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Maggie and Jake met through friends and hit it off big-time. For the first few months, anyway. Then Maggie noticed something new creep into their interactions. If they had any confict at all, Jake went into critical overdrive. “I can always find someone better to date,” he would say, lashing out in anger. He criticized her, verbally putting her down. Later, he would feel remorseful, apologizing and promising never to do it again. But, of course, he did do it again. And again. Maggie took a step back and asked herself, “Why would I put up with this?” She talked to […]
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How important is it to Date Smart? If how you date determines the quality of your future marriage (and I firmly believe that it does), then dating smart may save your life. One new study found that high negative conflict marriages put people at significant risk for cardiovascular disease. How you date is remarkably parallel to how you relate. If you date with no hidden agendas and with the intention to find a soul mate to share your life, you begin setting the stage for an open, honest relationship based on commitment and trust. If you date with the goal of […]
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For years I’ve written about the importance of communication in dating - being able to open up and express what you really think and feel; listening to understand - so that you can really get to know the person you are thinking of spending your life with. New research shows that being able to open up about how you feel is vital to womens’ health. What this research tells us about dating is that you need to date someone long enough to get past the enchantment stage, get into some arguments, and discover your style of communication during the discussion of stressful […]
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Singles everywhere complain about the dating scene. The complaints are the same across the board - too many unstable people handing out painful and/or gross experiences to others. Not enough quality people to choose from, or they are in hiding somewhere. The stories are posted regionally, but it doesn’t take much searching to find them everywhere. This morning I did a Yahoo search on “dating stories.” I found lots of web sites with bad date stories that will either make you laugh, say “eeeuuuww!” or swear off dating. But if you read them closely, you’ll see that all of these gross and ridiculous stories have […]
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Sheila complained often to her friends, “I don’t have time to date! Between my career, my friendships, and my family obligations, there’s nothing left over.” She isn’t the only one with this battle cry. Like most singles, Sheila has filled every available minute of her life with activity. Not a bad thing, but it begs the next question. What are your life priorities? If you really want a relationship, want to be with a soul mate, maybe happily married with children, then you must arrange your life priorities to allow it to happen. The following exercise is valuable to do on a […]
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A growing trend in singles land is the attraction of a beautiful mind. Singles in major metropolitan cities are reporting that they are tired of the bar scene and wish to meet someone who shares their intellectual pursuits. Instead of standing in line at trendy bars, they are lining up for lectures and museum tours. The bar scene has always been the Plan B of singles, but maybe it’s time to declare “enough!” Meeting people in bars is frought with difficulties, among them the necessity to screen for alcoholism. It almost seems line an I.Q. test, but many singles who […]
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Karen has a long history of being abandoned or rejected by men. The latest, Seth, asked her out four times and seemed really attracted to her. He took her to nice restaurants, opened her door, and even kissed her good night. Then he stopped calling. What went wrong? she wondered. Before Seth there was Henry, whom she dated for eight months exclusively. Wondering where their relationship was going, she asked him to declare his intentions and feelings. He refused to answer, talking in circles and not making much eye contact. Shortly thereafter, he told her he “wasn’t ready” for a relationship and broke […]
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If there’s one thing that tougher to talk about than sex (that’s talk about, not do), it’s money! The top two reasons that couples divorce are often cited as sex and money. So why is it so difficult to discuss? In dating, talking about your net worth - if it is high - can be risky. If you haven’t yet built a trusted connection, you may find yourself targeted by someone seeking to take advantage. If your net worth is low, you may find yourself rejected by someone who is seeking a person of equitable means. If you have a moderate to high net worth, […]
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Kathy thought she’d met her ideal candidate for a serious relationship. After connecting through a popular online dating site, and talking with him on the phone, she agreed to meet at a local bar. He was a doctor; even told her which hospital he worked at. He was charming and bought her drinks. It never occurred to her that she was in danger. The next morning, she woke up groggy, sick, and in pain. A visit to the emergency room confirmed the worst: she’d been drugged (with something slipped into her drink while she was in the restroom) and raped. What Kathy now knows […]
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Neurotic daters, take heart! It is possible to change this pattern and to reap the rewards of a much more fulfilling life as a single while you search for that someone special. The very first step is to make the rock-solid commitment to be self-caring first, other-caring second. Like the flight attendant tells you on the plane, put on your oxygen mask first, then help the person next to you. Second, before you date anyone new, put together your vision statement and clarify what you’re looking for in a person and in a relationship. [See Be Your Own Dating Service […]
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Do you blame yourself for whatever goes wrong in your relationships? No matter what happens, do you second-guess yourself, worry that you said or did the wrong things and caused the other person to leave, break up, or cheat? If so, you may be a neurotic dater. What does that mean? A neurotic dater puts far too much focus on doing and saying the right things in order to create a certain result. It’s illogical, but the mind-set goes something like this: “If I can just be good enough, smart enough, good-looking enough, and say just the right things, then […]
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Dawn asks what to do if a woman notices that finances are a tool being used to control her. She tells the story of a guy who insisted on paying, despite her efforts to share the tab, on the grounds of being a “Southern Gentleman.” She rightly ended the relationship when it became apparent that he was no gentleman at all. How do you know if money is being used in an attempt to control? A real gentleman pays because he’s in pursuit mode for a real relationship. He’s happy to pay, not to create a sexual obligation, but because being […]
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You’re sitting at dinner, your second date, and the waiter places the bill on the table. Your date continues talking, not giving the bill so much as a glance. Time passes and that bill is still sitting there. You are beginning to think that he’s deliberately ignoring it, perhaps hoping you’ll pay. What do you do? What does it say to him if you pick up the bill and pay? What does it say to him if you refuse to acknowledge the bill, forcing him to eventually pay? What about the guy who insists on paying – what does that say to […]
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Cindy met Bill through her tennis club. He was charming, good-looking, and he swept her off her feet in a whirlwind courtship. Pushing for a quick marriage, he proposed after only two months. Though she felt a few flutters of anxiety, Cindy accepted, hoping for true love. Six months later, she deeply regretted the haste. Bill turned out to be both alcoholic and verbally abusive, with the threat of physical abuse lurking in the volatile atmosphere. Frightened, she moved out and filed for divorce. Later, she reflected on how she had gotten herself in such a painful place. Something deep inside Cindy had sent up warning […]
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Boy meets girl in the midst of spine-tingling adventure. They hate each other at first, then they fall into bed because the chemistry overpowers them. Miraculously, they suddenly love each other. In the course of three days, they have set the stage for a lifelong relationship. Does this sound familiar? It should, because it’s the back story behind most television and movie “love stories.” We buy it because it’s exciting. Drama sells, so Hollywood continues to push it. Don’t get me wrong – I’m one of the people sitting there with the popcorn! But at the end of the day, I […]
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When Ava met Connor, she was blown away by the instantaneous, pulse-racing chemistry she felt with him. But from the beginning, he spoke in code, using phrases like “it’s great to get to know someone without any pressure” and “being friends is what’s important” and “I don’t believe in saying I love you because it’s so trite – everyone says it but they don’t mean it.” Meanwhile, they were sleeping together and she was falling madly in love. It took Ava months to crack the code, but she finally realized that what he was saying was “I don’t want to make […]
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