Dear Singlescoach: I just started dating a man and he told me that my being too nice puts pressure on him and makes him act distant toward me. I don’t understand. Does he think I’m putting on an act? - Teri History with the new guy: Sex within the first few dates; a few days later, he brings up commitment and says it was a big step. Teri, surprised, agrees and tells him they should “go slow.” He disappears and she is left baffled. She wonders if he felt obligated after having sex. She says she never got the chance to […]
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In a recent Time Magazine article, the report from decades of research is that marriage helps both men and women live longer and healthier. But if you read the full story, you find that for women the caveat is this: the marriage must be good for her in order for her to experience the health benefits. The biggest factor? How much your relationship causes your brain to trigger the release of the stress hormone cortisol. During conflict, our brains automatically interpret that we are in danger, and it doesn’t distinguish between actual physical danger and a social threat. That sends […]
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Dear Singlescoach: I too was in a relationship of convenience. I pretended that one day he would commit and to this day, we don’t even discuss the subject. Over 9 yrs. and I brought the subject to his attention and I was hurt when he told me he was afraid and not ready. I gave my heart and soul in this relationship. I knew it was wrong to always be available but I’m a loyal person. I truly care for him, but now I know that what I called a relationship was no more than an arrangement. I’ve faced this truth through several breakups but […]
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Dear Singlescoach: I’m 28 yrs old and I’ve been with my 31 yr old boyfriend for 3 months. Things happend very fast between us. We’ve slept together (something we’ve now decided to stop doing due to religious reasons), we’ve told each other we love each other and we’ve shared things with each other that we’ve never shared with anyone else. We have a lot in common and share a very strong connection. He is adhd but I work with children with autism so I do understand a lot of his behaviour. I tend to become very dependent on my partner and seem to […]
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On Monday night’s episode of The Bachelor, Brad had the arduous task of meeting all four womens’ families. At the end, he sent Sheena home, to her surprise and dismay. Earlier, Sheena had gushed about how wonderful their connection was, convinced that Brad was falling in love with her. And why not? After all, he gave her the most amazingly romantic date experience ever just a few days earlier, complete with gown, diamond earrings, a musical ensemble playing in the background, and dancing under starry skies. Add all those things up, and it looks like love is blooming. Now, imagine the sound […]
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He calls, but it’s the morning of the day he wants to see you. He shows up, but often late. He wants to be with you, but it’s mostly hanging out having sex, eating, and watching television. He introduces you to his friends – maybe. If he does, it’s only because you ran into them together. Or, he introduces you to his friends because you’re a hot babe he can show off (i.e., look at how well I scored). He doesn’t send flowers or write love notes, brushing off those things as goofy kid stuff. He doesn’t tell you he […]
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Andie met Scott at a party, the home of mutual friends. After much consumption of alcohol, they retreated to a bedroom and a night of passionate sex ensued. Though he got her phone number and text messaged her for a few days, he ultimately disappeared. Andie understood that was likely to happen and let it go. Then, three months later, she thought of him again when their mutual friend mentioned that it was Scott’s birthday, so she TM’d a birthday message. That got a response of some witty TM’s followed by his request to come over and hang out. Hanging […]
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Alex asks: I am 27 years old, have spent the majority of my adult life single and have never really been in love. I have always had the philosophy that I would rather be single than with someone for the sake of it, and thus far I have found that most of the guys I have dated (admittedly my age and younger) were really only looking for the physical side of a relationship. I also seem to get the guys who pursue me and want to make me fall for them, but as soon as I start to have feelings […]
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I recently turned 30 and I’ve only had one boyfriend (of 4 years) in my entire dating life. When I do meet a guy that goes beyond a first date, it never turns into anything official and never lasts more than 2 months, hence, my nickname “The 2-month girl.” Because many of these guys are “friends of friends,” I often find out that the next girl they date becomes their girlfriend. What advice do you have on breaking the 2-month curse? (By the way-I am the girl that does not come across as needy or available at the drop of […]
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For years I’ve written about the importance of communication in dating - being able to open up and express what you really think and feel; listening to understand - so that you can really get to know the person you are thinking of spending your life with. New research shows that being able to open up about how you feel is vital to womens’ health. What this research tells us about dating is that you need to date someone long enough to get past the enchantment stage, get into some arguments, and discover your style of communication during the discussion of stressful […]
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Lara complained about men being intimidated by her independence. I would suggest a re-frame so you don’t over-generalize: “Some men are intimidated by my independence. That’s not what they are seeking. Those men are not the right men for me.” What you are seeking is someone who will love and appreciate you for exactly who you are. Therefore, make sure you’re not spending too much time with men who don’t get you. One of the core definitions of a good relationship is two people who understand each other at a deep level and who love and appreciate the real person […]
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Karen wastes too much of her heart, energy, and time trying to figure out how to be right for the guys she dates. Sure, some of those guys are attractive and successful, but that doesn’t mean they’re right for her. A woman who knows her worth simply doesn’t focus on how to bend herself into the right shaped pretzel so that a guy will love her, no matter how charming, good looking, and successful he is. A woman who knows her worth is confident being herself, trusting that the right guy will see her worth, will “get” her, and will work his butt off to […]
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Karen has a long history of being abandoned or rejected by men. The latest, Seth, asked her out four times and seemed really attracted to her. He took her to nice restaurants, opened her door, and even kissed her good night. Then he stopped calling. What went wrong? she wondered. Before Seth there was Henry, whom she dated for eight months exclusively. Wondering where their relationship was going, she asked him to declare his intentions and feelings. He refused to answer, talking in circles and not making much eye contact. Shortly thereafter, he told her he “wasn’t ready” for a relationship and broke […]
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Dear Singlescoach: I just ended a five month relationship based primarily on sex which I thought would lead to more, and it didn’t. I also can’t seem to find a strong enough man who is not intimidated by an independent woman. – Lara Dear Lara: Let’s separate these two issues and tackle them separately. Let’s start with the question of sexuality. Relationships built primarily on sex tend to work just fine for many men, but don’t work out for most women. That’s because women are wired to seek love through the back door of sex, while men are wired to […]
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A recent study seemed to confirm that men choose women as mates based primarily on looks. The study was done in a speed dating venue, looked at the choices of 26 men and 20 women, ranging in age from 26 to early 40s. Men were surveyed prior to the speed dating game and their stated preferences were compared to their actual choices. The conclusion: though they stated they were looking for women with certain characteristics, they actually chose primarily based on physical beauty. No surprise there. But what are we to conclude from this study? One obvious conclusion is that […]
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Stacy is attractive and vivacious; men like her and are instinctively drawn to her as a result. But every guy she’s fallen in love with has turned out to be emotionally unavailable in some way. She’s clung to them through emotionally exhausting ups and downs until they finally walk away for good. Stacy is a love addict. Love addiction is a serious problem. For women, the way it manifests is usually different than the way it shows up for men. How many of these behaviors look familiar to you? If more than half of them do, you may be a […]
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You can’t rehabilitate an unstable guy with love. Paula found that out the hard way. She met Sam at a bar during girls night out with three of her closest gal pals. He sent a drink to her table and when she spotted him across the room, he was so cute he took her breath away. Later, he wandered over and asked for her number which she readily provided. Thus began a hot and heavy romance that almost drove Paula crazy. Sam was hot and their chemistry was over the top fabulous. She of course slept with him on their second […]
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What happens during relationship conflict when a man feels unsafe emotionally? When emotionally triggered, our brains are wired to send us into “fight or flight.” One way of fleeing is to clam up, withdraw. Observation over two decades of counseling men and women has demonstrated that this occurs when men feel emotionally unsafe. What makes men feel unsafe? Men feel unsafe when a woman attacks, accuses, blames, and generally conveys the notion that the guy is failing her (in her eyes). But what causes a woman to engage in such destructive behavior? Typically, a woman feels angry toward her man because […]
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Tracie met Todd at a work function. He asked her out and she didn’t have anything better to do so she accepted. That night, they drank wine and as the alcohol loosened her up, Tracie found that kissing Todd didn’t seem like such a bad idea. She flirted with him, they kissed a lot, and the next day – surprise, surprise – he called to ask for another date. Again, Tracie accepted, and again, they had a fun evening, augmented by the bottle of wine they shared. Lots of kissing again took place, but the next day Tracie was far […]
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When should you start dating again? The answer is, of course, it depends. It depends on how much emotional baggage you want to drag forward into your new relationship. The more baggage you have (steamer trunks vs. carry on), the less likely you are to have a loving, lasting relationship in the future. If you are the Dumper, your baggage is more likely to be in the form of unresolved guilt and either over or under-responsibility. Because leaving can be so hard, some people emotionally shut down or cut off real communication in order to move forward. This coping mechanism, while it […]
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In every breakup there are two roles: the Dumper and the Dumpee. Put it another way, the person who actually says “I’m outta here” and the person who is left behind. Sometimes we try to save face by agreeing that yes, it’s over, when the other person says they’re leaving. But almost always there is one person who is the first to throw in the towel emotionally. That person usually faces one set of emotions while the other person usually faces a different set of emotions. If you threw in the towel first, you are more likely to experience guilt. Dumpers […]
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Ashlee was so excited about her date with Andrew. He’d promised to meet her at Starbucks at 10am on Saturday. She was there at 9:55. At 10:10, an eternity later, he called saying he was just a few minutes away. He walked in the door at 10:35, after what felt like another eternity of waiting, apologizing profusely. She instantly forgave and they had a delightful date. Their second date was at a restaurant. Ashlee again waited, this time for 25 minutes. He apologized but didn’t have a good excuse other than traffic. He also seemed distracted, often looking past her […]
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Melinda and Gary chatted on the phone for the third time after connecting online and meeting once for coffee. He was cute and she was captivated. Melinda waited for Gary to ask her out, and finally it happened. “How about we get together Saturday night?” he asked. “Sounds great,” she answered. “Okay, I’ll call you later in the week,” he replied. She heard – we have a date Saturday night. He thought – maybe I’ll go out with Melinda Saturday night, if nothing better shows up on my radar. Saturday rolled around, and Melinda still hadn’t heard from Gary. Frustrated, she waited all […]
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The myth is that the right clothes, hair, makeup and witty lines will attract the person you desire. Now we have a television series in which a dozen women compete for the attention of one man. In The Bachelor, anxiety runs high as they strategize ways to draw his attention and love. In the end, though, nature wins every time. He either falls in love with one of them or he doesn’t. Some of the former Bachelors have married the women they picked, most have not. In one of the rare instances of reality teleivision mirroring real life, we find that on The Bachelor, relationships cannot […]
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In this freewheeling, sex-and-the-city, post-modern, uber-woman, I-don’t-need-a-man, 50% divorce world, does it still make sense to aim for marriage? The answer is: It depends. It depends on the vision you have for your life, your willingness to be flexible, how open your heart is, and how able you are to make a real commitment. If your goal is supreme independence (I don’t want to have to answer to anyone), you’ll probably remain single, unless your attitude changes. If your goal is marriage, then the next question is: How do you get him to have that goal? The obvious answer is: you […]
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