Years ago, we called it “dating” or “relationship,” even if it was short in duration. If it involved sex, and it was longer than a one night stand, we tried to characterize it as a relationship. Now, it’s called “hooking up,” meaning that you’re having sex (oral or intercourse) but there’s not necessarily any love or commitment. Educators claim that hookups are starting as early as late elementary school and that it’s rampant by college age. So-called feminist writers argue that it is liberating for young women to express their sexuality freely without feeling the public shame of being called names [that […]
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If you’re dating someone, long-term that is (one or more years), and you can’t bring yourself to make a commitment, take a little time and challenge yourself with these questions: Why am I in this relationship? Why is the person I’m dating in this relationship? (If you don’t know the answer to this one, find out.) Am I in love with this person? If you’re in love with the person you’re dating, then ask yourself what am I afraid of? If you’re afraid of pain, it’s time to come to terms with that fear. Life is full of pain. Suffering, on the […]
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Nicole met Brian online through a popular social networking site. They quickly discovered an array of common interests – they liked the same books and movies, both were avid runners, and on and on. For weeks, they blogged, emailed, IM’d, TM’d, and carried on an intense online flirtation. Getting his emails never failed to make her heart skip a beat. He was a great writer – smart, knowledgeable about a huge variety of topics, and sweet to boot. Finally, she worked up the courage to ask for a phone conversation. And everything ground to a halt. He stalled, claiming to […]
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Dear Nina: I have been dating a woman on and off for several years. I moved out of state six months ago and haven’t seen her but twice. The last time she visited, I noticed that she was distant after our intimate moments – not cuddling like she had in the past. One night when I was rubbing her back she said “you are smothering me.” Her distant behavior during this visit was very out of character. She has always liked being intimate with me but avoided it this last visit. I called her after she went home to tell […]
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Dear Nina: My ex-girlfriend and I met on Myspace, emailed for a week, phoned for a week, then met for dinner and a walk. We dated for two and a half weeks, walking along the beach holding hands. Then she blew me off, saying it was just a friendship and she didn’t have time for a relationship. I was angry but I moved on. A month later, she called me, apologized and wanted another chance. We dated for three months and it went well. Her only complaint was that it was annoying to witness me getting mad at drivers in […]
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As discussed in previous blogs, there is really no reason why two people can’t fall in love even with a significant gap in age. But seeking someone specifically because of the gap in age is not far from seeking someone because of money, looks, or social status. At the end of the day, there’s an objectification of other people at the bottom of these choices. Objectification means, in essence, not being able to see people for who they are, or appreciate them for who they are, but instead seeing them as a means to satisfy a need. The beautiful person you […]
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Dear Nina: What is the definition of a “rebound relationship”? Is it true they can be unhealthy? I’ve recently started dating someone who is barely divorced. My friends say she’s on the rebound. – David David: Rebound relationships occur very shortly after the end of a significant love, and sometimes begin before the end. The problem with a rebound is that it doesn’t allow time for the grieving and healing process to be complete. When this happens, there is emotional confusion. Sometimes, the feelings for the old partner simply transfer to the new one, and that results in the illusion that you’ve […]
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Amy met Richard online. After a couple of emails, they agreed to talk on the phone. That went well, so they set up a date for drinks after work. Sparks flew instantly. After two hours and a bottle of wine between them, they moved on to a nearby restaurant hot spot. Dinner was fabulous; they couldn’t stop talking. Time flew and suddenly they realized it was late in the evening. Richard asked if he could follow Amy home to make sure she was okay. That turned into an invitation to come in for a cup of coffee. One thing led to […]
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Dear Nina: My ex-girlfriend, who just broke up with me, sent me here to read this blog and this post, probably because I am not interested in marriage right now and don’t think I ever will be and when I told her that she got pretty pissed and walked. I don’t think I have “a paralyzing fear of commitment”; it is just that marriage doesn’t seem like something I would ever want. It seems that you think marriage is for everyone. Is there really anything wrong with not wanting to ever get married? – Teddy Dear Teddy: I actually say the […]
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Dear Nina: I have started seeing this girl recently. She works full time but is also a part time student. We had a great first date, staying out to 2am on a week night just talking and our conversation only stopped because it started to rain. I followed up a couple days later by asking her out on a second date on a Friday night. She text’d me on Thursday saying that she couldn’t make it on Friday, how about Saturday instead. I said ok, Saturday is fine. Saturday, she told me she couldn’t make it because she had to finish her homework for an online […]
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Dear Nina: As a single 42 year old male in Dallas, I have found this to be the single most frustrating aspect of dating, especially among women who are a bit older. I understand that women don’t want to hurt a man’s feelings. Wouldn’t it be better to say to man you are not attracted to, simply “I like you as a friend but not as someone for a committed relationship” or “I just ended a frustrating relationship, let stay in touch.” This way both parties move forward quickly with their search for a more compatible companion. I have met […]
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Dear Nina: I have a dilemma. I recently bumped into my boss at an engagement party. We drank wine, talked, flirted, and kissed a little afterwards. I asked her out the following week and she accepted. We went out, drank some wine, had a great time, flirted and kissed again. When I dropped her off, she said we couldn’t date because of our professional relationship, saying she didn’t want to get in trouble at work. Since then, she will talk but won’t initiate a call back to me. I feel like I’m getting mixed signals. I’d like to date her […]
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Brad, a forty-something single guy, set up a fake female profile on a popular dating web site. He deliberately used strong language such as – “If you’re the kind of guy who calls women up and asks ’so, what do you want to do tonight?’ don’t bother.” He stated “no girly men.” Brad wanted to find out what kind of responses he might get and what he could learn before setting up his own profile. Brad got 40 to 50 emails per day from his fake profile. But the real surprise, as he shared with me, was that almost none […]
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Dear Singlescoach: I am a 28 yr old woman and I am dating a 17 year old guy. He will be 18 in 5 months. And amazingly this has been the best relationship I have ever been in. However, there are a few problems… His parents don’t approve (especially his mother) and my sister thinks I’m making a mistake and being foolish. Age of consent in the state we live in is 17, so that’s not a problem. But the town we live in is small and the gossip has gotten so bad about us. People are talking about it […]
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Dear Nina: I have dated a good amount of women in the past 9 months – online dating. There have been a few who I would have liked to pursue more, but I have been rejected. I usually get rejected on date 4 (I guess the sex date). Women often say they simply “aren’t feeling it”…I am so confused because they act really interested, tell me I am a great guy but then …boom…”I am not feeling it”…there must be something I am doing wrong – but is there a chance that online dating is a breeding ground for real […]
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Dear Singlescoach®: My boyfriend of 8 months and I recently broke up. It was the best thing, as he had some major alcohol and addiction problems and had no real goals. I know that it was the right decision for me. My problem is, I’m just a year out of college and the people that I chose to surround myself with were all his friends – his life. Now that it is all gone, I have no idea how or where to meet people. I’m essentially friendless right now, which is tough because I’ve always been a people person and […]
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Dear Nina: I just began dating again after a 5-1/2 year period (I had two relationships in a row go down in flames and I was pretty disgusted for a long time). I recently found Be your own Dating Service at Barnes & Noble and I enjoyed the book — that’s how I found your website. I think one of my problems is that I push too hard too early. (My other problem is, I try to stay and “fix” relationships after it should be clear that there’s no hope . . . ) My question is this — An […]
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Dear Nina: I am a 28 year old male who likes a 22 year old female. She is very nice and is cool to be around. There is just one problem. I would like to ask her out but I seem to always clam up and can’t get the courage to ask her out. I guess my real problem is I am afraid if I ask her and she doesn’t feel the same way that I could lose a friend or at least make her feel a little strange when hanging out. So how would I approach this? – Steven […]
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Mike, newly divorced and getting out into the dating scene, made this remark: “I’ve learned not to be too nice to women. For instance, if I see a woman’s profile on Match.com and I send her a disparaging remark, I get a response, usually something like ‘You just need to get to know me better.’ If I’m too nice, women don’t respond.” Unfortunately, there is a grain of truth in Mike’s contention. I’ve heard countless times from really wonderful men that they get feedback from women telling them they are too nice. What a sad statement about today’s dating scene. […]
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I’ve been asked this question countless times over the years: Can two people who were in love and break up then be friends? The answer is twofold: It depends, and maybe in time but usually not at first. To really get at this answer, we have to look at a definition of friendship. There are many kinds of friends in life – some are situational, such as co-workers or school mates. When you change jobs or graduate, those friendships often don’t last. It’s not that you didn’t like each other; it’s that you didn’t have a bond deep enough to […]
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Dear Nina: I’m in the radio business, married to my job for ten years and moving from city to city. It’s difficult to date because of my schedule. Also, I’m insecure when I’m not in front of the mic. I am drawn to the Barbies – the really beautiful ones, though I feel insecure around them in normal social settings. I don’t experience satisfying or lasting relationships. I tend to remain detached from the women I sleep with out of self-protection. Recently I met a drop dead gorgeous girl who was dating someone else. We spent time together, a little bit physical, behind […]
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In my past two blogs on pursuing and taking the lead for men, I provided a guide for the art of courtship, which is rapidly disappearing from our culuture yet still needed by women. When I wrote Be Your Own Dating Service, I still held the belief that it made no difference who pursued. In fact, I believed, it was empowering for women in today’s liberated society to do so. Boy was I wrong! That philosophy got me into a marriage with a man who wasn’t that into me, and it taught me a valuable lesson. I no longer view the pursuit of a man as a function of […]
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Confusion abounds when it come to the roles of leader and follower in the dance of dating. The thousands of emails I’ve received over the years from single men and women are full of inquiries about what to do in the early stages of dating. Women want to know: Is it okay to call a guy? When is it okay? Is it okay to ask him out before he asks me out? What about later on in the relationship? Why does he say he’ll call and then he doesn’t? Is it okay for me to give him encouragement at that […]
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Dear Nina: I have dated a good amount of women in the past 9 months – online dating. There have been a few who I would have liked to pursue more but I have been rejected. I usually get rejected on date 4 (I guess the sex date). Women often say they simply “aren’t feeling it”…I am so confused because they act really interested, tell me I am a great guy but then …boom…”I am not feeling it”…there must be something I am doing wrong – but is there a chance that online dating is a breeding ground for real […]
Continue Reading
Brad, a forty-something single guy, set up a fake female profile on a popular dating web site. He deliberately used strong language such as – “If you’re the kind of guy who calls women up and asks ‘so, what do you want to do tonight?’ don’t bother.” He stated “no girly men.” Brad wanted to find out what kind of responses he might get and what he could learn before setting up his own profile. Brad got 40 to 50 emails per day from his fake profile. But the real surprise, as he shared with me, was that almost none […]
Continue Reading
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