Ashlee was so excited about her date with Andrew. He’d promised to meet her at Starbucks at 10am on Saturday. She was there at 9:55. At 10:10, an eternity later, he called saying he was just a few minutes away. He walked in the door at 10:35, after what felt like another eternity of waiting, apologizing profusely. She instantly forgave and they had a delightful date. Their second date was at a restaurant. Ashlee again waited, this time for 25 minutes. He apologized but didn’t have a good excuse other than traffic. He also seemed distracted, often looking past her […]
Nothing grabs your attention more than having someone you love abruptly exit. It’s emotionally traumatic, meaning that there’s no way to prepare yourself for such a sudden loss, so it hits you on all levels. You’re sad and/or angry, you can’t sleep, you can’t concentrate at work, and you wear out your support network with long, obsessive conversations about why this happened and what you might do. Deep down, what hits hardest is the realization that you’ve lost all sense of control over the situation. Your Ex has grabbed all the power in the relationship. This situation, like all challenging […]
Sara writes: “Help! My boyfriend, after a 3 month intense relationship, suddenly backed off. Is there any hope he’ll come back?” Danielle writes: “What can I do to win back the man I love? He broke up with me after two years saying he wasn’t ready for a commitment.” Chris writes: “I’m in love with Kristen and she went back to her old boyfriend after dating me for six months and telling me she loves me! Can I get her back?” What all of these stories have in common is loss: the person you loved left, backed off, or went […]
If you read the post – Boredom and Relationships – and saw your partner(s), you may be on the flip side of this dynamic. Instead of being the instigator of drama, you choose people who will instigate it for you. Guess what? You are just as invested in drama as your low-boredom-threshold partner. But you will have difficulty seeing this since you’ve cleverly hidden it in the other person’s behavior. Stable relationships are not necessarily exciting relationships – not once you get past the early enchantment stage. If you tend to date people who keep things stirred up, who instigate […]
If you have completed your visioning exercises (see previous blogs: 2008 Intentions, 2007 Reflections, Current State, Life Vision Statement, and 2008 Vision Statement), then you are ready to set SMART goals for 2010. What is a SMART goal? S = Specific M = Measurable A = Action-oriented, achievable R = Results-oriented T = Time-based A SMART goal might be something like this: Land a new job in my industry by end the fourth quarter 2010 Join 3 online dating services and complete my profiles by end of January ‘11 Attend two singles groups or functions every month in ‘10 Arrange time […]
Since a significant number of singles (30% of men and 19% of women) using dating web sites believe that it’s okay to lie, that puts the responsibility for detecting liars squarely on you. But how can you tell if someone is being honest with you or not? First the truth about liars – there are some people who are able to con almost anyone, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you get fooled. And don’t expect to develop a 100% accurate internal lie detector. In fact, studies indicate that the average person’s ability to detect deception is about 50% accurate, […]
How do I learn to trust again after I have been so hurt in past relationships? The ability to trust, to open my heart to love and to be loved, is something that I consider my most precious asset in life. I recognize that I am in charge of it, of the ability to trust, and that it resides within me. Does the behavior of others ever affect that? Absolutely. The ravages of relationships gone wrong have certainly shaken my faith in love and caused me to question my trusting nature. From time to time, I have felt damaged in […]
Understanding and awareness are powerful first steps necessary for any life change. But if you stop there, so does your life. Action moves things forward; action creates real change. Nothing, even the deepest levels of understanding and awareness, substitutes for action. If you’re not happy with your dating life, get into action. Use these SinglesCoach forums to educate yourself, read my books, listen to my audio tapes, then put what you learn into real world action. If the goal is a great relationship, then the action is get in the game! That means you must actively search for and participate […]
A growing trend in singles land is the attraction of a beautiful mind. Singles in major metropolitan cities are reporting that they are tired of the bar scene and wish to meet someone who shares their intellectual pursuits. Instead of standing in line at trendy bars, they are lining up for lectures and museum tours. The bar scene has always been the Plan B of singles, but maybe it’s time to declare “enough!” Meeting people in bars is fraught with difficulties, among them the necessity to screen for alcoholism. It almost seems like an I.Q. test, but many singles who […]
New relationships can be full of excitement and fun, and if you’re on the same page, it’s a wonderful and fulfilling time of life. But they can also be the turning point for your life going in the wrong direction toward pain and heartache that can take years to mend. These dating missteps can be difficult to recover from, but watching out for and avoiding them can make all the difference in establishing a healthy foundation. 1.) Sex too soon – having sex before you have crossed the bridge of love and commitment engenders guilt and obligation instead of passionate attachment. 2.) Too much […]
I’m a male, 33, and I’ve committed myself to stay out of the bedroom at least until there is a commitment and hopefully even until marriage. I feel that finding out sexual compatibility before marriage should NOT be a requirement. I cannot fathom being in love and then letting performance in bed be the deciding factor! This position makes it difficult for me to ask women out, as I’m afraid that she will demand an early sexual relationship. How do I stick to my principles and let go of this anxiety so that I can date? - Matt Contrary to […]
Cindy met Bill through her tennis club. He was charming, good-looking, and he swept her off her feet in a whirlwind courtship. Pushing for a quick marriage, he proposed after only two months. Though she felt a few flutters of anxiety, Cindy accepted, hoping for true love. Six months later, she deeply regretted the haste. Bill turned out to be both alcoholic and verbally abusive, with the threat of physical abuse lurking in the volatile atmosphere. Frightened, she moved out and filed for divorce. Later, she reflected on how she had gotten herself in such a painful place. Something deep inside Cindy had sent up warning […]
“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting.” – Mother Teresa Okay, so maybe we can’t always be the shining example of love that was Mother Teresa. But we can benefit from her example and her words of wisdom. If you want a great relationship, one of the milestones is realizing that most of the love you receive comes from the love that you give. If you think of it like “emotional muscle” […]
Now there’s a new way to meet your soul mate: adventure dating. The idea is that you sign up for a trip doing something that gets your adrenaline flowing; you look over at the person sharing your raft through the rapids and make a connection. I think this idea has some merit. If you’re into travel and adventure, and I mean adventure like climbing mountains and whitewater rafting, it can be difficult to date enough people to find someone who shares those interests. With Adventure Dating, you start out knowing that you share an uncommon interest. There’s an immediate connection […]
Let’s say you believe in letting a guy pay for your dates, and let’s say that instead of taking you to an expensive restaurant he takes you to a park for a picnic. Is he cheap or creative?The answer is: it depends. If he’s young and doesn’t have any money, cheap dates are a necessity. If he’s older and has money, a cheap date can be refreshing and different. What he spends the money on isn’t nearly as important as how he pulls off the date. If he asks you to make the food for the picnic and he puts little effort into the […]
This past week, my friend George moved into a brand new house with his bride of two weeks. George and his new wife are blissful, looking forward to a life together of dancing, cooking on the grill, spending time with their kids and grandchildren, and loving each other. Just a little over a year ago, George was coming out of a long-term dating relationship that didn’t work out. And just three years before that, he was recovering from the death of his beloved first wife of cancer after more than thirty years of marriage. George has been through a lot. […]
Suzy asked: “I have been on four wonderful dates, I feel like this could be the beginning of a wonderful thing. How do I know when it’s ok to get physical? I don’t want to move too fast but I also would love to take that step.” Before I could answer her question, she wrote this: “We have been on 3 wonderful, wishing it never ends dates but somehow the last date seemed to have ended unlike the others in that he has bailed out of two other plans. He still texts and still puts sweety as the opening but […]
These days you can do almost anything from your iPhone, including background checks on the men you date! Dudorstud.com features one that is compatible with the iPhone and others; it enables you to check for bankruptcy, marriage and divorce, and home addresses over a period of time. But the real question is: is it enough? The answer is absolutely not! Doing a background check is one part of a smart “due diligence strategy” when you date someone with no social context. You met him in a public place, you met him at Church (yes, even Church isn’t safe these days […]
Dear Nina: I read your advice regarding love addicton and I have also ordered your book. I can’t wait to read it when it arrives. My question for you is this…is it ok to forgive a cheater? I have just spent almost 4 years with a man who I thought was the love of my life. We had been talking about marriage and I have been waiting for him to propose. Two weeks ago I found out that he was seeing someone else. I confronted both of them and ended my relationship with him. He says he’s sorry and wants me to forgive him. I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. Can a couple truly overcome cheating? Is it ok to forgive or should I move on? Am I just addicted to the idea of him? This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I know that I love him, but I don’t know if I should forgive him or move on. – Confused, Michelle
Dear Michelle: I hope you do forgive him eventually, although you’ll need time. Carrying forward resentment or bitterness hurts YOU, so yes, forgive in time. But forgiveness is only one small part of this equation, and just because you forgive doesn’t necessarily mean you go back into the relationship.
There are many, many issues that must be resolved after infidelity in order to have a healthy relationship. The biggest is the loss of trust, without which you don’t have a relationship. Right now, you don’t know who this man is – he wasn’t honest and authentic with you, so at best you love an illusion – the man you thought he was, as you pointed out. So a huge step in this process would be to understand who he really is. Questions you must explore in depth with him include:
Why did he seek another relationship? What was missing in this one for him that left him so unsatisfied that he looked for it with another woman?
What was his commitment to her? Did he tell her he loved her, too? (if so, he may still be involved with her, despite what he says)
If he says it wasn’t love with her, then the next question is: could he have a sexual addiction problem? How many other women has he cheated on in the past? Does he use pornography? What is his pattern?
Why does he want you back? Is it loneliness, fear, feelings of abandonment because you left?
If he says it’s you he wants, then you must ask: If I’m so wonderful, why did you feel compelled to do another woman?
If you were married to this guy for ten years and had three children, Michelle, I would recommend marriage counseling and a good solid effort to save your relationship. Couples can recover from infidelity as long as it isn’t a pattern and as long as there are many other qualities in the marriage that are positive, plus genuine, deep remorse on the part of the cheating person.
You’re in the middle of the Temptation to Settle for Less than a truly great relationship. You’re not married, you don’t have children, and you are in a position to move on to a man whom you can totally trust. Believe me, there are many, many men of good character out there who would find your boyfriend’s behavior disgusting, who wouldn’t even think of cheating. Before you try to put this one back together, I recommend you take your time and really consider moving on. The book will help you understand how you got here and what it takes to have a truly great relationship with a good man.
If you can’t bring yourself to move on, then the burden for fixing this broken pseudo-relationship is on him, not you. He should be crawling over broken glass begging your forgiveness. He should be setting up counseling to help the healing process. He should be doing everything in his power to prove that you can trust him, that you’re safe with him. He should be expressing deep remorse and offering the ring, proposal, and a plan for healing. Anything less than a gargantuan effort on his part is crumbs and you’ll be settling for less.
I don’t recommend that you accept the ring if he offers. Your “push back,” which is a test of character for him, would be to tell him it’s too soon for that, but if he’s intentional to ask again further down the path. If he’s an insecure man, which I suspect he is, he’ll back away and look for a woman who will take care of his needs first. This whole incident gives you the opportunity to take off the blinders and see his real character, who he really is, not the illusion you were in love with. Though you are in pain, you are lucky to find these things out now, not after marriage.
You’re in love, you’re spending almost every night together yet paying rent for two separate homes. Is it the right time to move in together? The answer is: maybe, but it’s wise to be cautious about co-habitation. Here’s why.
Let’s start with some data: contrary to popular opinion, living together is not an effective way to ensure that your marriage will be strong. Statistically, couples who live together prior to marriage have a higher divorce rate than couples who do not. It turns out that “test driving” the relationship by living together doesn’t work. Here are some other reasons NOT to move in together:
One of your leases comes up and you figure you’ll save money
To save on gas – no more driving back and forth
Your other couple friends live together
You hope that by living together the engagement will follow
You like his/her home better than yours
In short, you shouldn’t move in together for reasons of convenience or money. The risk of moving in together too soon is that one of you may succumb to the Temptation to Settle for Less because it’s much harder to break up if you are co-habitating.
So what are some good reasons for living together prior to marriage – when is the right time?
Both of you see yourselves as a committed couple
Engagement is definitely in the plan, or you are already engaged
Marriage is definitely in the plan, or you have a date set
In short, moving in together can work if your relationship is very solid and you are moving down the path to marriage or some form of lifetime commitment. Otherwise, moving in together can jeopardize your relationship. Why? Because unless you are on the same page, one of you may have the secret agenda of getting the other to move forward in the relationship. This can result in conflict rather than deepening your love. Better to wait for this step until you are truly aligned – ready for marriage, excited about your future together, and planning your wedding.
This week’s theme on the SinglesCoach blog is Smart Dating: Using tools and structure to greatly increase positive outcomes. Unconscious dating means dating without any structure, plan, or awareness of the impact of your choices on your life. Unconscious = making lots of big mistakes; yes, you can eventually learn that way, but the price tag in divorce and multiple break-ups is high. Smart dating = being conscious and aware, making choices with some idea of future impact on your life. Again, you’ll learn along the way but with a much smaller price tag.
The term “dating” almost represents a forgotten dynamic. In today’s world of “hook-ups” and other ill-defined relationships terms, it seems out of date to talk about dating. But that’s the problem: the “lost art of dating” has left us drifting and floundering in an ocean of confusion. If you want something new, something clear-cut and empowering, then it’s time to get back to some basics that work.
Human beings don’t do well without structure. It’s become such a huge issue in our public schools, with high drop-out rates, low test scores and inability to qualify for college, that many schools are insituting school uniforms as a way to bring back structure. So far, the results are positive: many schools report a decrease in tardiness and crime and increase in focus on school work. Whether you agree with the method or not, one thing is clear: structure works. Studies show that with structure anxiety goes down, while focus and productivity go up. Structure enables a sense of greater emotional safety.
Structure in dating: creating emotional safety. Implementing structure in your dating process works as well. With it, your focus is on discovering compatility and common values, as well as being more emotionally present minus too much fantasy thinking. What are the basics? I encourage a focus on structure for the first three dates. Below are the basic guildelines. You’ll find a more complete discussion of dating structure in Be Your Own Dating Service.
First date (with someone you don’t already know well). 1.) Meet there – restaurant or coffee place. [Women: arrive early and leave last so he can’t see your car license plates. This is for your protection.] 2.) Plan for a short time frame of no more than an hour; you can always extend if you want, but I discourage “marathon dates” in the beginning because of the high degree of fantasy that develops. 3.) NO ALCOHOL on the first date: again, illusion develops quickly with alcohol.
Second date. 1.) Meet there – restaurant or other public venue. Again, you still need to protect your safety. Don’t be afraid to do a background check or ask for references when you’re dating someone you met on the internet. Absent the person’s social context [which you get when you are introduced by someone who knows both of you well], you have to be smart about this.
Third date. More of the same, although if you’ve done your background checking, you can probably have a glass of wine by now. But no getting intoxicated! That leads to big mistakes in judgment and behavior.
Hopefully you’re getting the picture by now. Slow down, take the time to “interview” someone [see later blog post this week], and be smart about it. Later this week, you’ll get tips on the purpose of the first few dates and how to manage them for maximum insight.
For more Smart Dating advice, listen to Nina on ”Love Strategies”:
If breaking up is hard to do, recovery is even harder, or so it seems. Heartbroken, licking your wounds, you may express your pain in a myriad of ways: withdrawal from friends and normal activities; eating empty carbohydrates or sweets (Ben & Jerry’s looks really good right now); drinking to excess; not eating (your appetite is gone); working too much; obsessively thinking about the lost love. But how long should you engage in this wound-licking, often dysfunctional, behavior? The answer is, of course, it depends. It depends on how long you give yourself permission to wallow in self-punishing behavior. Drinking too much, […]
Dear Nina: Is there anything wrong with dating just for the fun of dating? Yes, I understand the partner should not be misled. Generally speaking, it sounds as if you feel that if a relationship is not headed toward marriage, it should be over. – Brian Brian: People date for all kinds of reasons: For companionship, for intimacy, to look for a significant partner, and yes, for fun. There’s nothing wrong with dating for fun – it’s human nature to seek companionship in life, to enjoy being with another with no particular goal in mind. On the other side […]
Thanks to services like Meetmoi and Zogo, you can bypass all the usual channels for meeting your soul mate and just dial her up! Speed Dial Dating is a new concept that’s being touted as better than online dating. Here’s what happens. You’re sitting in your favorite coffee shop and you decide that you want to know who you can meet in your immediate neighborhood. You dial in your favorite hook-up technology via cell phone, a signal goes out, and somewhere nearby someone gets your text message. You get to design your message, so it could be something as simple […]
I run across stories like this all the time – “Living Single in a Doubles World” is a good example. Extrapolating from the latest statistics that tell us there are now more singles living in the U.S. than married couples, the message is that singles are choosing their status over marriage. But there’s more to the story. My question is this: If you met someone today - someone whom you found to be very attractive, someone who shared your values and was on a similar life path, someone who left you feeling all tingly inside - and that person wanted to be […]
You’re in love, you’re spending almost every night together yet paying rent for two separate homes. Is it the right time to move in together? The answer is: maybe, but it’s wise to be cautious about co-habitation. Here’s why.
