Do You Suffer From “Too Nice Syndrome”?

 By Nina Atwood

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Anita couldn’t believe what was happening. The geeky guy with the pocket protector was standing in front of her chattering animatedly. She felt trapped, unable to break away because of the voice inside her that kept saying, “it’s rude to just walk away.” Meanwhile, the totally hot guy she’d had her eye on earlier was getting away. She was smiling and her head was nodding but inside, she was seething. Anita suffers from Too Nice Syndrome.

Getting trapped in a conversation with someone you don’t like is one of the risks you take as a single person, but it doesn’t have to be that way. It happens because of Too Nice Syndrome, or TNS for short. We develop TNS because of being taught that we should at all costs avoid hurting someone else’s feelings. We have the delusion that we’re being NICE if we stand and talk to someone we don’t like, and this can even be stretched so far that we go on dates with people we don’t like or with whom we have nothing in common.

TNS hurts you and it hurts others – yes, others! Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Would you rather someone else a.) stand there not enjoying it, hoping you’ll stop talking, and tying up your time and energy? or b.) politely disengage so that you can move on and meet someone who WANTS to talk with you? I’m betting almost everyone would select choice b. So why do we dish out choice a?

One possibility is that we haven’t taken the time to prepare for times like that, to practice saying what we would say to disengage. Try out these lines, practice them, and the next time you’re standing in front of someone you don’t like, move on with grace:

• (for the person who won’t stop talking) “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I really need to go get something to eat/drink; I’m starving!”
• “It’s been nice talking with you, but I think I’d like to circulate a bit more and meet some new people.”
• “You have a lot of interesting things that you’re involved in; oh – I see someone you might like to meet.” (introduce the person to someone else who may have more in common)
• “Thank you for the conversation.” (shake hands and exit)
• Walk away in the middle of a sentence if you need to; some people don’t take hints

One caveat – don’t judge the person you don’t like. Just because you don’t find him appealing doesn’t mean someone else won’t. Remember the geek Anita met? Turns out he’s a dot com millionaire. When Susan met him, the connection was great and they’re now happily married, for the right reasons. She loved his pocket protector!

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Entry Filed under: Dating,Personal Growth