True Loners: Should They Date?
By Nina Atwood
Walter writes: In your post you wrote: The truth is that almost all of us want a relationship with someone special. The exception to this is the true loner – a person whose ability to connect with others is so limited that there’s little possibility of it happening. Are there true loners? People who won’t ever connect permanently with anyone? How should they date? Should they date? Could you comment more on this?
Yes, there are true loners, people who either can’t connect in a meaningful way or who have given up on connecting with others. Should a loner date? The more relevant question is can a loner date. This is a person who has so much difficulty connecting in a meaningful way that dating is not usually an option on the table for them. For a male loner, the exercise of walking up to an attractive woman and asking her out is excruciatingly painful. For a female loner, being approached can be a frightening event. In psychology, we call this social phobia, and it means that for whatever reason, this person has so many painful associations with social connection that they simply avoid it.
Can a loner change? The answer is yes, if he or she wants it badly enough. With counseling, the fear of social connection can be overcome, usually with some kind of process of gradual exposure to social situations and helping the person reduce the fear and anxiety associated with it. Over time, the fear is reduced and eventually, pleasant emotions are associated with social connection.
If you see yourself this way, Walter, the answer to your question is yes, you can date. Seek out a counselor who specializes in treating phobias, set an intention to recover, and in the future, you can enjoy dating and even find a loving relationship.
Entry Filed under: Relationships
