Dating Narcissists
By Nina Atwood
If the recent posts about whether or not you’re a narcissistic dater did not resonate for you – you don’t see yourself that way – they might resonate in terms of your choices of dating partners. Do you have a pattern of choosing people who are self-absorbed, self-focused, and unable to really give emotionally? Do you fall for charm and charisma only to find later that it’s all about them? If so, your chooser is definitely broken, but it can be fixed. Following are a handful of reasons you might be going for the narcissist instead of the giver:
- You secretly envy all that charm and charisma – wishing you had more of it yourself, you settle for being with someone who has it
- Although you say you want someone who’s more giving, deep down you’re uncomfortable when others acknowledge you or offer to help you – you like being independent, to a fault
- Being the primary giver in a relationship, although draining, gives you a sense of power – you know the other person really needs you (or at least you hope he/she does)
- Although you say you want a more committed relationship, deep down it scares you to think about being with one person for the rest of your life; dating a non-committal narcissist allows you to put off making a commitment yourself
What can you do to begin to change this dynamic? First and foremost, get real about your life. If you keep choosing people like this, you’ll waste your heart and life energy. You could find yourself ten years from now drained and depleted, no longer willing to take emotional risks. That’s the real risk when you date takers instead of givers – that you will run out of energy for dating, that you will give up on love.
Now that you’re getting real about this issue, the next step is learning to receive. Instead of always throwing an emotional banquet for others, sit back a bit and allow them to step up to the plate. Let yourself be uncomfortable with receiving until it is no longer uncomfortable. Let go of your need to control situations and people. Learn to let things flow, in your direction for a change. Narcissists can’t stand being with someone who is not falling all over them, so the quickest way to purge your life of takers is to stop giving so much and learn to receive.
Entry Filed under: Dating,Personal Growth
