Another George Clooney Ex: Take Responsibility, Shuck the Useless Guilt
By Nina Atwood
Elisabetta Canalis, the latest in a long string of George Clooney’s ex girlfriends, says it’s a “personal failure” that the relationship didn’t work. This gorgeous, apparently sweet woman believes it’s her fault that George, a confirmed bachelor who has publically stated many times that he will not marry, inevitably broke up with her because she wanted more. No big surprise there, but Elisabetta’s faulty conclusions mirror those of many of the hundreds of women I have coached over the years. Here’s the truth of these kinds of scenarios.
She’s NOT guilty that the relationship ended. She is RESPONSIBLE for making better choices in the future. George is a wounded guy – incapable of making a real commitment. He is charming, highly successful, and no doubt a fabulously romantic lover, in the beginning of a relationship anyway. But for whatever reason, his heart is not truly open to the women he dates. So how can anyone he dates possibly be responsible for that? She can’t, but she can take responsibility for choosing better.
For years I dated and loved emotionally unavailable men, and I crawled away from those relationships wondering what was wrong with me, suffering from useless guilt. The epiphany came to me the last time this happened, well over a decade ago, when a medical practitioner whom I respected told me bluntly that I was not going to get well (from an autoimmune syndrome I was suffering from) unless I broke the attachment I had to the latest wounded guy. It was my wake-up call, after wasting far too many years pursuing hopeless relationships.
Take responsibility. I decided that it was up to me to fix ME, the person in the mirror, rather than choose the wrong person and set about trying to change him. I have far more leverage working on me, and while that sounds like self-blame, it isn’t. Taking responsibility for my own life choices and outcomes empowers me because it is only in self-development and growth that I truly have any power. I have none over the men in my life. Never did, never will.
Like Kelly, in Temptations of the Single Girl, I was attracted to men who were aloof in some undefinable way, yet simultaneously charming and attractive. I loved riding the roller coaster of falling in love in the beginning. It was intoxicating – the romance, the fun dates, the wining and dining, the dancing, and the thrill of lovemaking. The downside of the roller coaster was pulverizing – the withdrawal from dealing with ordinary relationship issues or talks about commitment, the cheating, the “you’re on your own” if I had any life problems. The bottom line: no partnership. The deeper truth: no real love.
I had to give up my addiction to excitement in order to get out of the pattern. I learned that charm [when over played as a seduction tactic] does not lead to devotion and love. I learned that good character – integrity, devotion, honesty, no games – wins the day and is far more valuable than instant romance and charm. I discovered the power of maintaning my balance by putting off sex – for a long time – giving up the intoxication of allowing someone to seduce me. I found real romance by allowing men to pursue me, and that opened the door for the re-discovery of the magic of courtship.
My husband is very romantic, but in a loving, quiet way. Our dance of love was around bonding emotionally first, sexually later. We surrendered to the deeper, far more enchanting side of love – acceptance of another human being for exactly who he is and is not. With real love and devotion, we have both grown tremendously – emotionally, spiritually and in our careers.
Now, almost twelve years later, we share a loving, incredibly blessed life. Our relationship isn’t perfect because we are human beings subject to stressors and the resulting reactions. But our love is deep and committed. We are there for each other. We truly adore one another. THIS is real love, one that doesn’t ride the roller coaster. This is the kind of love that will have us holding one another’s hands all the way, the whole way until one of us passes.
So, to all of you Elisabetta’s out there, I share this: It is never too late to change the pattern! It is never too late to find and create a deep and lasting love with a good man. But you will have to make personal changes, make new choices, give up some of the thrills that you may believe are important. Start today. Read my book, Temptations of the Single Girl (read an excerpt here), and get started. Get started, get support, and get going!
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating,Relationships
1 Comment
1. Della | September 12th, 2011 at 10:29 am
Very good post. Thank you for sharing your personal experience, I am sure that this post will help in a way or another all the women who will read it.