Emotionally vs. Sexually Invested
By Nina Atwood
Andie met Scott at a party, the home of mutual friends. After much consumption of alcohol, they retreated to a bedroom and a night of passionate sex ensued. Though he got her phone number and text messaged her for a few days, he ultimately disappeared. Andie understood that was likely to happen and let it go. Then, three months later, she thought of him again when their mutual friend mentioned that it was Scott’s birthday, so she TM’d a birthday message. That got a response of some witty TM’s followed by his request to come over and hang out.
Hanging out Friday night led to a marathon weekend sexual experience, punctuated by going out a couple of times. By Sunday morning, it felt like they were in full swing with a new relationship. The next five days were a whirlwind: lots of affectionate TMs, phone calls, going out, spending the night together having passionate sex. Scott took Andie to her own birthday party on Friday night. All was well until they said good-bye Saturday morning with promises to get back together soon. Then, everything ground to a halt. Scott disappeared, and Andie fell into an emotional tailspin. What went wrong? Why did he stop wanting her? She couldn’t stop thinking about Scott, wondering why he disappeared.
We’ll never know (unless he shows up and explains) why Scott disappeared from Andie’s life. Maybe he felt awkward about starting out with sex; men often feel overly obligated to continue a relationship after sleeping with a woman, and obligation isn’t a positive foundation, so they unhook. Maybe an old girlfriend, whom he was madly in love with, showed up in his life again. Maybe he realized that he wasn’t forming the right emotions with Andie; a guy who’s looking for the whole package of real love isn’t going to want sexual chemistry alone, so he moves on.
However, Scott’s abrupt exit isn’t Andie’s real issue. The real issue is how she allowed herself to be drawn into a non-intentional relationship with absolutely no boundaries as well as the future impact if she doesn’t change that pattern.
Why does a guy disappear? Mostly because he isn’t emotionally invested in the relationship. No commitment has been offered, so nothing is at stake. He’s checking her out, even as he makes passionate love to her. When he’s not with her, he’s wondering what this relationship means and whether or not she’s right for him. At the end of the day, though, he disappears because he doesn’t want the relationship.
The question for Andie - any woman - to ask herself is this: How much risk am I willing to take while a guy checks out how he feels about me? To what degree do I want to give away my heart and body before he puts something at stake with me?
My book, Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid, answers these questions and much more! Make sure you sign up for my newsletter to get the answers.
Entry Filed under: Dating
