The 2 Month Girl
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I recently turned 30 and I’ve only had one boyfriend (of 4 years) in my entire dating life. When I do meet a guy that goes beyond a first date, it never turns into anything official and never lasts more than 2 months, hence, my nickname “The 2-month girl.” Because many of these guys are “friends of friends,” I often find out that the next girl they date becomes their girlfriend. What advice do you have on breaking the 2-month curse? (By the way-I am NOT the girl that comes across as needy or available at the drop of a dime. I do not call a guy 3 times a day or change my schedule to accommodate seeing him at the last minute.) PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP!! - Shannon, the Two Month Girl
After Shannon sent her question, I queried further about her situation and learned the following:
- Marriage and children are her ultimate goal
- She’s grateful for her experiences in the past and ready for the first time to settle down
- All of the last five guys ended the relationship after about two months, usually by not calling again rather than formally ending it
- She slept with all but one of them during that two month period
- She felt highly attracted to all of them but one
- Most of them went on to date someone else seriously
First of all, Shannon, I applaud your self-insight. You know yourself well enough to realize that you’re now ready for a real relationship. You also know yourself well enough to put together these pieces of the past and see a pattern. Let me spell out that pattern for you. I encourage you to try this on like a pair of shoes and see if it fits:
When a guy initially calls and pursues you, the automatic assumption is that he’s in it for a real relationship. Based on that assumption, and your high level of attraction, you allow yourself to be drawn into sexual intimacy. But there’s no declaration on his part of love, commitment, or the intention to work toward marriage. So you open yourself up in every way to a guy who has no stake in the game. Because you believe that he does, though, you’re shocked and surprised when he stops calling.
Now, imagine the sound of the needle on the record player scratching out! That’s the sound of the beginning of your dating and life ”re-set.” I want you to shift to an entirely new strategy, but first you must do damage to a myth that you shared with me in our email exchange: the notion that sleeping with a guy early in a relationship actually works. It doesn’t. If your girlfriends have done this and gone on to have a relationship with a guy (beyond two months), it happened in spite of the too-soon sex. In other words, if two people are right for each other, they can make lots of mistakes and still work things out. But it’s high-risk behavior because the vast majority of relationships that begin with sex do not work out.
The problem in your case is making that early assumption: he’s pursuing me for a real relationship. You can’t make that assumption because it often isn’t true. So, how do you know if his intentions are real? Time and behavior. By refraining from sex for a significant period of time (months), you give the rest of the relationship time to gel. If he’s truly interested in you and a future life together, he’ll not only stick around, he’ll be even more invested in the pursuit of a worthy goal – you and your heart. I promise you, no good guy EVER left a good woman because she didn’t sleep with him right away. So, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by putting off sex until he’s in love with you.
Second, I want you focused on discovery through real communication: is he or isn’t he right for me? Instead of worrying about whether or not he goes away in two months, I want you to take a step back and investigate whether or not he’s right for you.
Now, I’m going to go into some shameless self-promotion: my newest book, Temptations of the Single Girl: the Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid, which will be released by the end of this year, addresses all of these issues and more! Because you have shared your story so openly with us, I’m going to give you one of the first copies off the press. But you must contact me and ask for it in December.
Everyone: sign up for my newsletter in order to receive first notice of the book when it comes out! I promise you that reading this book will be a life-altering experience and make it possible for you to attract and keep the man of your dreams.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating,Personal Growth,Relationships
