Age Difference and Children: Are We Compatible?
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I am 34 (never married) and my boyfriend is 48 (divorced with two children). We have been together for one year. Previous to this relationship, I read “Temptations of the Single Girl” and “Be your Own Dating Service”. Knowing that It was not the right thing I slept with him after the third date. After that, I felt strongly attached to him. In your book “Be your Own Dating Service” you suggest writing a list of “Negotiables” and “Non Negotiables”. In my list I did not take into account age and children. At his moment I am concerned about our future because of the age gap (he is 14 years older than me) and his children. On the other hand, when I start to think of breaking up, I feel so much pain that it stops me from making a decision. As you say in your book “Be Your Own Dating Service,” not making a decision is also a decision. I am sure these doubts will come to my mind again. Do you think it would be a good idea to take a break to clarify my feelings? I would be very grateful if you could help me. – Marta
Dear Marta: I’m glad you can now see the seriousness of becoming sexual with someone new – you cannot think objectively after that; the bonding keeps you locked in. But that’s water under the bridge, so let’s focus on your current situation. You’re right to take a look at these issues now but I don’t recommend a break up as it creates too much drama. Instead, take some quiet time for yourself each day and reflect.
Yes, he’s older and he has children, but those facts don’t necessarily make you incompatible. Ask yourself these questions to dig deeper:
His age:
- Am I worried that I will have to take care of him as we age due to health issues? Or that he will slow down while I’m still full of youth and energy?
- Do we not connect as well because we’re from different generations?
- Am I not attracted to him because of aging?
- What is it exactly about his age that bothers me?
His children:
- Am I concerned that I will have to help raise his children?
- How do I feel about his kids – do I genuinely care for them?
- Does he want more children and do I? Are we aligned on that?
The age issue is not significant unless it impacts your attraction to him. While it’s true that couples closer in age tend to be more compatible, there are loads of happy couples with a significant age difference. Aside from age, do your values line up? Do you want the same basic things out of life? That’s a far greater issue to deal with – you must share the same basic values in order to have success in the long run.
The children issue is deeper. It takes a lot of commitment to deal with the inevitable issues involved in a blended family. His children deserve a stepmother who genuinely cares for them and wants to contribute to their lives, who doesn’t resent their father’s love and devotion to them. His number one priority has to be his children until they are grown, and if you’re not sure you can handle that, move on.
Love is about acceptance. Take the time to reflect, Marta, and be willing to discuss these issues with him. He deserves to hear what you are thinking, an opportunity to help you overcome your doubts if he loves you. Make sure he really loves you. Then make sure you really love him and accept his circumstances. If those things line up, and if you’re willing to invest in the work that it will take, then you may have the platform for a lifetime of love.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating,Marriage,Relationships
2 Comments
1. Filipina Girl | September 12th, 2009 at 2:09 am
I couldn’t agree for more about your tips Nina! I think Martha should really needs a breather from the relationship and settle her issues before she proceed to take the relationship one step further.
2. n2god | October 9th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Really give it some thought because this man deserves a woman that will love and accept him, his children and life circumstances. If you continue on with the relationship for selfish needs that is wrong. But also do consider the age differences and ask yourself if you are truly committed to this relationship and all that it may bring, even in the future. My mom married a man 18 years her elder. He was the most kind, loving and caring man I’ve ever known. He set such a great example for me and my life has been so enriched by his presence. He died this year of ALS. A horrible disease. My mom didn’t give up on him and stuck by his side to the end, even when everybody around her urged her to put him into a care home. She gave up her job, her security and her life savings in order to stay home and take care of him. She refused to put him into a care home. She said “he wouldn’t do that to me and I wont do it to him”. I gained a whole new respect for my mom. I don’t think I could have done it. So really consider things things. What is his health like? What is his medical history and his family’s medical history if this is a concern to you. Then ask yourself, if you were in my mom’s position, would you love this man enough to stay by his side and stick with him to the end? Because that, to me, is pure, unadulterated and unconditional love. I think if you are willing to spend the rest of your life with someone, if you love somebody that much, then you love them unconditionally no matter what. Good or bad. And unconditionally means accepting them for what and how they are right now, including their extended family and circumstances. If you can’t do that, then you do not love him unconditionally. If it is just a concern that keeps popping up, I think that’s natural. That is something to talk to him about after you’ve sorted it out in your own mind. A concern is vastly different than that impending feeling of “I don’t want this”. Put the pain aside and ask yourself if the part of him that you don’t want outweighs the part of him that you do? And if it does, can you get past it and love and accept him unconditionally?