How Do I Get Over His Cheating?
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I read Temptations of the Single Girl and absolutely loved it! It really spoke to me in a time of need. My question is this– how do you get over a relationship where there were multiple instances of cheating? I just found out my boyfriend of eight months began cheating on me for the 3rd time. I finally was able to walk away, but he said so many things and did so many things inconsistent with that type of behavior that I’m desperately afraid that I will have trouble believing what any man says for the rest of my life. He did so much convincing the last time I took him back– promising me he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me, telling me wonderful things about myself and how I was the only woman for him– I don’t know how to get these words out of my head. He started off so genuine, and said and did so many great things for me in the beginning…I’m scared a great guy will come around and do those things for me the next time around and I will be too jaded to believe them! What do I do? – Leah
Dear Leah: The first thing I want to impress you with is this: never let someone else’s bad behavior stand in the way of you having what you want in life, and you are a woman who wants to love and be loved by someone wonderful. He may cheat, he may lie, he may abandon you; in short HE may do all sorts of bad things, but YOU deserve to move forward, trust again, and love again. That is the goal. Now for what it takes to get there.
This relationship is an opportunity for you to learn some things, and never forget them in the future. First of all, when you are dating someone you are getting the best he has to offer. When a guy cheats after only a couple of months of dating, that’s about as powerful a red flag as I can imagine! He’s either a sex addict who cannot control his compulsions, or he’s a sociopath who doesn’t give a flip and only sees women as objects. Either way, he’s clearly very good at manipulating women – knows the right things to say to seduce you back into a relationship.
When he cheated on you the first time, deep down you knew it wasn’t ever going to work. How do I know you knew that? Because we all have an inner compass that gives us information like this; the problem is that we sometimes choose to ignore the messages. In order for you to trust a man in the future, you must first learn to trust yourself – listen intently to your own inner compass that will give you the right messages.
Stop and reflect back on this relationship, asking yourself the hard questions: when did I first suspect that he was not who he appeared to be? What were the clues that I was being seduced rather than loved? You may find that there was far too much excitement in the beginning, and not nearly enough inner peace – the kind that comes from knowing you are with the right person. Whatever the clues, you must get in touch with them so that you can understand the difference between what’s real and what is smoke and mirrors.
Men who excessively flatter in the beginning are usually seducers – they have learned how to enchant a woman, but don’t have a clue about how to love a woman. That’s your first red flag – way too much talk about how wonderful you are and how rosy the future looks. Instead, you should be asking him hard questions about his history with women – how many women, how long did they date, how did they break up and why, has he ever cheated on anyone. Don’t let yourself ever get carried away by flattery again; learn to put the focus on discovering his real character – and that is determined by his past behavior, not his words. Remember, the best way to know how someone will treat you is to look at how he has treated other women before you.
Spend some time journaling and reflecting – this is a critical time for you to solidify your relationship with you. You will be ready to date again when you feel solid within yourself that you trust YOU to make wise decisions. With a keenly developed inner compass, you can feel confident that you will attract men who are the real deal. If you continue to struggle over how to recognize good guys, get a coach – I have a wonderful one on my staff who can help you sort this out, or get a therapist in your area. Hang in there Leah! Your dreams can and will come true if you are willing to do the inner work to get there.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Breaking Up,Dating,Relationships,Sex/ Sexuality
4 Comments
1. Beth Banning | September 1st, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Great advice, Nina! Even if a previous relationship ended on a sour note, that should not hinder anyone from loving again. We’re all different; just because one person cheats on you, that doesn’t mean that the whole male (or female) population will cheat on you too.
2. asian dating sites | September 5th, 2009 at 1:07 am
We are unique individual so we shoudn’t generalize in judging. Yeah, right. Never hold on to grudge. Keep loving while you are alive and your dream partner will come soon.
3. Marriage and Relationships | September 15th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Relationships are quite complicated one has to face when in trouble, but it’s also not as bad as one would be led to believe in it.Just try to brush away all those misunderstandings and believe in the fact of making-up that relationship all you have to do is to start knowing what really went wrong and what made two humans who loved each other in depth to part their ways, is it because of money mis-management or something else . You can always find the answer here.
4. n2god | October 9th, 2009 at 6:25 am
I’m really glad somebody asked this question because I have the same question myself. Except… every man that I’ve ever dated has cheated on me, including my ex husand. So.. it’s really really hard for me to believe in anything any man has to say. I don’t let it stop me from loving again. I have just learned to GIVE IT TIME. I don’t fully open my heart to a man for a few months. A liar and cheater will hang himself if you give him a rope long enough. A jerk with ulterior motives won’t last 4-5 months. So the number one lesson for me has been to not take a man at face value. Don’t accuse him or whatever. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all. Just sit back, watch, and observe. See if the way he chooses to live life is in harmony with the way you choose to live yours. If that still stands true after 4 to 6 months, then LITTLE BY LITTLE, start to let your guard down and BUILD trust.
Also, in terms of how will you ever be able to trust again? Keep telling yourself (and believe it) that even if you do get into a relationship with another cheater, YOU HAVE THE POWER to walk away. Nobody has power over you but YOU. Once you are convinced of this and you practice the ‘watch and observe’ tactic, you will feel much more in control and a lot less vulnerable and scared. We all want love so much.. and those of us that have been jaded want it so much and so bad that we tend to leap before we look. Don’t leap next time. Look (observe) first. Behind all the flattery you may see that he’s a real jerk before you get attached and will be able to walk away feeling more empowered. OR you may see that he isgenuine and feel safe to move forward.
The thing is, when you observe for a few months? YOU FEEL SAFE and through time and experience, it becomes VERY easy to “weed out” the real jerks and womanizers. A guy that lies over little things will lie over big things. Time and experience has proven that to me time and again, even when I didn’t want to believe it. The men that have lied to me over small, meaningless things in the beginning of a relationship have turned out to be my worst emotional nightmares. I’ve learned now, one small lie and move on. He isn’t worth that much of my heart. If I can’t trust him with very simple things? How could I ever trust him with my heart? A small lie places a huge question mark in front of everything he’s ever said or done. It’s not worth the heartache.