How Long Before the Next Step?
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I’m a 46 year old woman who has never been married. I have always dated with an eye on a committed relationship leading to marriage. I recently had a first date with a man who is 40 and a good Christian man. We met four years ago, then our lives took us in separate directions. Our paths have crossed again and we recently went out to dinner. It was the best date I’ve had in a long time; it’s almost scary! I’m hopeful for a second date. How should I proceed from here? I don’t want to blow this. I’ve read your book – Temptations of the Single Girl - and you say when he takes a step, then I take a corresponding step. I’m wondering this: how long should I wait for the next step? What should be my next step? Thank you. – Leann
Dear Leann: The short answer is: as long as it takes. But let’s look at the opportunity you have with this re-connection because there’s so much you can learn in this process.
How long it takes him to call you tells you something: a.) his interest level, and b.) his emotional availability. If he calls the next day after your first date to ask you out again, his interest level is high. If he waits a week, it is moderate to low. If it’s longer than a week, his interest level is low OR he’s not emotionally available (meaning he’s thinking about someone else).
In order for you to have a basis for some level of emotional security, you need to find out which it is. If he waits over a week to call, that should be a yellow caution flag for you. So on your next date, you’re going to ask lots of questions about his relationships over the past four years, listening carefully for signs that he’s still involved with someone else. You should also listen carefully for signs that he has a high level of fear about commitment and marriage.
Again, you wait after that date to see what his next step will be. If he waits an even longer period of time to call, that’s a red flag. If he calls in a shorter period of time than before, you’re gaining his interest – a good sign but not the green light just yet. What you’re looking for is several dates in a row – that he called in advance for, and that he did so fairly soon after the last date. Bottom line: pay attention to the pattern, withholding your enthusiasm until you can see that he has a high level of interest in you.
While you are waiting for his next step, live and enjoy your life! Don’t focus so much on how wonderful he is; it’s too soon for you to start putting him on a pedestal. Take a “we’ll see” attitude; we’ll see if he is everything he seems to be; we’ll see if he is really into you; we’ll see if he can give you the banquet, not just a few crumbs!
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating,Relationships
1 Comment
1. Cameron Sharpe | April 6th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Looking for short term or long term relationship to the opposite sex you must be trust yourself and ask anything about him. Make sure you love him when it comes to relationship. You may stick to one person and understand him vice versa. Show your feelings, give your time so that your relationship will last. When it comes to relationship, age doesn’t matter but if its up to you if you fight