Is He Pushing Too Hard?
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I just began dating again after a 5-1/2 year period (I had two relationships in a row go down in flames and I was pretty disgusted for a long time). I recently found Be your own Dating Service at Barnes & Noble and I enjoyed the book — that’s how I found your website. I think one of my problems is that I push too hard too early. (My other problem is, I try to stay and “fix” relationships after it should be clear that there’s no hope . . . )
My question is this — An acquaintence of mine separated from her husband in January. Her divorce just became final last week. We went out casually through January & February. In the early part of March she began to push me away. I figured it might have something to do with all the turmoil of the divorce, so I backed off. I did make the mistake of listening to her problems and getting over-involved, while I was trying to figure the situation out, but I disengaged from that at the end of May or so. I’m getting mixed signals from her now. I think getting too involved in her problem-solving process was a BIG mistake. I realized that I needed to back off and keep some distance and I’ve done that – – my thought is that I should stay distant until the dust settles and then consider making another attempt.
I realize that dating a woman who just got separated was NOT a good idea, and I don’t want to be the rebound guy or the transition guy (I’ve done that already and it didn’t turn out very well). We have a LOT of interests in common and a generally compatible temperament. Her ex was very type A, competitive and controlling, and she’s VERY sensitive to any situation that makes her feel like I’m trying to run her life. Is backing off for the time being the correct strategy in this case? – Jeff
Dear Jeff: The answer is “yes,” with a couple of caveats. First, as you reflect back on your casual dating period with her, did she at any point show signs of being sexually attracted to you? Second, when you backed away, did she notice, and if so, did she react with dismay?
If a woman is really into you, she makes herself available. While her divorce may be emotionally draining, it’s not enough to keep her away from a man she feels wildly attracted to. In fact, a new guy she’s crazy about would be just the ticket to help her unhook from her ex and move on with life. That doesn’t mean she’s truly ready for a new relationship – maybe she’s not. But your question is really about attraction, and I’m not seeing the signs that she’s attracted to you.
As a general rule, if you’re questioning where you stand with someone, you probably don’t have a leg to stand on. Are there people who have difficulty expressing their attraction? Sure, but for the most part, if someone’s starry-eyed about you, you know it.
I’m going to make some assumptions here, Jeff, based on your past history. I’m wondering if you are irresistibly drawn to women who aren’t emotionally available or who aren’t that into you. If that sounds like you, then the bigger question is more along these lines: “How do I change my attraction radar to one that draws in women who are emotionally available, ready for a relationship, and into me?”
Start with creating a vision for yourself of the kind of relationship you want. Use the exercises in Be Your Own Dating Service to put together your vision statement, your negotiables and non-negotiables, and the building blocks of a great relationship. Keep it in front of you every day, and when you’re in a situation with a woman, compare what is happening to your vision. If it’s less than what you want, say “no” and move on. When you stop settling for less than a great relationship, you’ll stop attracting women who drain your emotions and leave you in the dust. Make 2009 your year of change, Jeff! We have a coaching program to help you set and stay on track with your goals.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Men,Dating,Relationships
