Denial of True Desires: Now He’s Partying and I’m Suffering
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I’ve been seeing this guy for about 18 months; I’m 36, he’s 35. When we first started out we never put a name to what we were doing. Everything was moving too fast for me in the beginning, so I slowed everything down. Now he wants to party and socialize, and says he doesn’t want to hurt me. We go to lunch or dinner once in a while and we sleep together, but he’s never with me on weekends and will only send me texts unless I complain. The he calls but says there’s too much noise in the background to talk. He says he loves me but doesn’t want to give up the partying. He explains it by saying the other women are his “friends” and nothing more. He asks me to be patient, but he is unwilling to make a commitment to me. I’ve told him that I can’t do this anymore, and that I deserve better. So I guess my question is how to stand my ground, so I won’t give in again? I am so confused. – Jeannie
Dear Jeannie: I have good news and bad, so I’ll start with the bad. The time to acknowledge your true desires (for love, commitment, and a life together) is on the front end. Unfortunately, you feel into the temptation of denying your true desires at the get-go; you’re not alone, millions of single women do it every day. Why? Because of buying into the fantasy that you can start out with no-strings sex and it will somehow magically transform into love and commitment down the road. The truth is that it almost never does.
The rest of the bad news is this: He is not going to change. No matter how much you explain your pain, it won’t matter. How do I know that? Because it hasn’t mattered so far. He has the best of both worlds: bonding and sex with you, fun and games with other women. Maybe he’s not sleeping with them, but he almost certainly is open to a new relationship; otherwise, he wouldn’t be out there shopping around. The bottom line is this: if he wanted a commitment with you, he would have already done it.
The good news is that this painful situation is an opportunity in disguise – for you to back up, take stock of your life, determine what you really, really want, and become fiercely committed to YOU first, men second.
Most women, when they reflect deeply (not in defensive mode because of past heartbreak), realize that they want the same thing: love, commitment, marriage, family; a shared life with a soul mate. The trick is to get out of denial on the front end, acknowledge what you really want, and then communicate it powerfully to the men you meet. This servies two purposes: a. it strengthens your relationship with yourself, and b. it pushes away the “bad boys” who are destined to break your heart. You are then open to a good guy to love and be loved by.
You already know what you need to do, and that is to give up your addiction to this guy. Will it be painful? You bet! Will you grieve for what you had with him? No, but you will grieve for what you MIGHT have had, for the lost potential. By standing up for yourself and letting him go, you carve out a the beginning of a new, better future for yourself.
How do you go about this? Here’s a suggested script, which you should deliver in a public venue (no “one for the road” sexual scenarios). “As you know, I am in love with you, but I admit I failed to set things up right on the front end. I should have told you that I was seeking love, marriage, commitment, but I didn’t, and now we are on opposite pages in life. Since I want what you don’t, I am moving on. I wish you the very best with your life, and I hope you find what you want. I won’t be taking your calls or texting you back for a long time while I get through this. I hope you will respect my choice and stay away, but if you don’t, I won’t be responding.” Ask if he has anything to say to get closure with you, then say good-bye and get up and leave.
Is there a remote possibility that he will show up in a few days/weeks/months with a ring? Yes. But I wouldn’t bank on it. Anything less than that is crumbs again – don’t take it. Keep moving on, Jeannie – your new life and soul mate are in front of you, not behind you. Get Temptations of the Single Girl right away so you’ll know exactly how to map out and manifest the life you really, really want!
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
2 Comments
1. Dana | October 23rd, 2008 at 9:22 pm
I agree with the response above. I was in a relationship that was undefined and each time there was a break-up, I felt peace. After awhile I felt lonely and hoped he would call. He did, but the same old routine surfaced. He avoided talking about a relationship w/”I don’t know where we are”. After 6 yrs+, I think we both know the reality but I was still hopeful. I enjoyed his company and he told me once that he was afraid. I thought being w/me would change that. I was a pleaser and I am loyal but to the wrong guy. I couldn’t take being his playmate and now I’m moving on to enjoy my life as a single gal!!!
You deserve better. If you want a commitment, then make that known and you can avoid all the motions. I wish I had made my true desires known and I could have avoided all the drama that surfaced. Your good guy will come!!!
2. Laneris | November 10th, 2008 at 7:42 am
I would also advise you to move on with your life and try to forget your boyfriend. Don’t be scared of what the future brings, think only positive thoughts.