Why Won’t He Move In With Me? Tempted to Take The Lead
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 5 years now, I’m curently 20 and he is 22. We are truly happy together and never really had any serious problems in our relationship. I’m just finishing up RN school in December and I want to move out after that. I will be 21 and he will be 23, and I feel it’s time. We talk, well mostly I talk about moving out and possibly buying a house. Well, the problem is he doesn’t really know if he wants to move out, not just with me but in general! He says he wants to “ONE DAY.” His mother does EVERYTHING for him and he doesn’t have to pay any bills at home. His mother is the type that says if any of her kids didn’t want to move out that would be fine with her and I kind of feel she encourages it. Recently when I asked my boyfriend about moving out and starting to look at houses in October, he said he doesn’t know if he wants to move out yet, “about 75% of me does not want to move out,” and complained about how I have a time period for everything. My question is, do you think I’m talking about it too much that it’s pushing him to not want to? How can I get him to start thinking and wanting to move out with me more, without pushing him away? We are so in love and happy I just want to start our lives together, is that so wrong?!?! – Brittany
Dear Brittany,
You are in the middle of the Temptation to Take The Lead in your relationship instead of taking your cues. Here’s the problem: He’s on a different emotional timetable – that’s not all that unsual in long-term dating relationships. The worst thing that could happen is that you will be successful in badgering him into moving out of his parents’ home and in with you. Let’s play this out.
I’m going to assume that he loves you. Since he loves you, if he sees you more and more unhappy about the moving out/in together issue, he may be tempted to give in so that you will be happy. But his heart won’t be in it. Not yet ready for that level of commitment, he may turn into the passive/aggressive guy in your life. Yes, he will go along with you, but you will be taking two steps forward and dragging him along in every aspect of your lives. This makes for an extremely frustrating dynamic for both partners, and usually ends in a nasty break-up or, if you drag him forward into marriage, ultimately a divorce.
What you really want is a strong, emotionally solid guy who not only loves you but who wants a life with you and is willing to put energy toward building that together. He is clearly telling you that he is not yet that guy. Here’s the harsh truth: he may never be. Love is one ingredient in a successful relationship, but it is not enough to build a life. He must be emotionally ready to be a man – independent, no longer leaning on Mom to take care of him like a little boy, and devoted to taking care of you. Let me repeat: He’s not there yet.
If you really love him, you’ll take a couple of steps back, drop the moving in together issue, and focus on your own goals. Move foward with your life – move out into your own place and continue to date this guy. It will take courage because you’ll feel disappointed that he didn’t want to take that step in tandem, but over time you’ll discover what you really have. By side-stepping the temptation to the take lead, you can take your cues. Now watch how he responds over time.
If he really wants a life with you, he’ll grow up. He’ll let go of the dependency on Mom and invest in building a life with you. This may take a little time, so patience is critical. That said, over time you must assess whether or not this is really the guy for you. I know you love him, but he may not have what it takes to be a great husband. If you discover that is the case, you’ll mature into a woman who can take the pain of moving on rather than settling for a relationship that is less than your heart’s desire. If you haven’t already, buy and read Temptations of the Single Girl so that you can understand what taking the lead is all about.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
1 Comment
1. Jana | July 25th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Hey, Nina, I read an article by you on this topic on http://www.w2wlink.com the other day. It made total sense. I’d never thought of it quite like that before. I guess I like the idea of being pursued. I go to that website a lot, mostly for the articles for women in business, but I liked seeing you there. I hope I’ll see more stories by you.