What If His New Girlfriend Gets the Ring? Overcoming the Temptations
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: What a God-send to find your site and books! I’m heartbroken after 1.5 years with the man I thought was the love of my life. I’m ordering your book Temptations of the Single Girl today and can’t wait to read it; I think I’m dealing with Loving a Wounded Guy. He was just ending a very painful marriage when we met, and I thought that all he needed was a good woman to help him heal. Because of his emotional fragility, I never brought up commitment or marriage, so I guess I Denied My True Desires as well. I might also have Settled for Less and Sacrificed Authenticity. It bothered me that he didn’t open up to me, wasn’t vulnerable, but again, I let that go because of how wounded he was. Yet I was holding back parts of myself, not expressing myself fully. Then the bombshell: he abruptly broke up with me because he’s now dating someone he met at work. I’m wracked with pain and obsessive thoughts: what if it turns out she’s “the one?” What if he proposes to her and she gets the life I wanted with him? I’m stuck in the doom loop of wondering what was wrong with me. I feel so hurt and betrayed. How do I deal with my fear that she is going to inspire in him the things I longed for – real love, sharing, devotion, commitment, marriage, and kids? – Stacy
Dear Stacy,
I’m so sorry that you are in so much pain. Sometimes pain is a teacher, leading us to deeper insights into our lives. In this case, pain is teaching you that it never works to sacrifice authenticity. It hurts you and it prevents a deeper relationship. By being careful of the wounded guy, you left many, many powerful conversations unspoken. Thus, he never really had the opportunity to understand and love the real you, OR, to move on more quickly because the real you and the real he didn’t connect.
Now, your wounded ego wants to re-write history, placing you in the starring role in his life. Yet even if that could happen today, it wouldn’t fix the real issue – your relationship with yourself. When a woman values herself, she is unwilling to accept emotional crumbs from a man. She finds that not only unattractive but diminishing to her pride as a woman. She passes that up with a swift “Next!” and with a spring in her step and her head held high makes herself available to a man of quality. [read that = NOT the wounded guy]
Here’s the truth: If he marries her it’s because their relationship works for them. I seriously doubt that your relationship with him would ever have worked because the two of you never achieved intimacy [into me see]. You never achieved commitment, the foundation of emotional safety. You never got to shared visions of life together, without which your relationship is just a past time.
It’s no reflection on your worth, Stacy, that he moved on. It is simply a reflection of the truth that was always there and that you were afraid to see: that he’s not that into you. The fear of that discovery is what kept you from opening up, from putting the subjects of commitment and marriage on the table. Deep down, you knew that if you did he would run for the hills. Why? Because he either wasn’t ready at that time, or because he didn’t see you as a future wife. Either way, it was a bum deal for you, and you settled. Now, it’s time to focus on you.
Take a giant step back from this, Stacy, and focus on your vision of a future wonderful relationship. Use the teachings in the book to guide you toward the man who will absolutely adore you in every way, who is totally into wonderful you! Your point of healing is in your relationship with yourself – in forgiving your past mistakes, and in being 100% committed to your own well being FIRST, a man second.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
