Temptation: “Settling For” and Love Addiction

 By Nina Atwood

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Dear Nina: Am I doing the right thing? My husband and I have been married for five years and together for seven. After several years of lies and deceit, I have decided to call it quits. Background: J. lies about everything… where he has been, who he is talking to, what he is looking at online, etc. Last January we finally agreed to start a family (we were waiting on him). I miscarried twice and we decided that another try just wasn’t what we wanted to do, so we started the adoption process. I did all the work; J. kept complaining that we really didn’t have the money, but we really did, and now it all makes sense. He was not ready!! J. is a pilot and is gone ALOT! When he is home all he really wants to do is ride his motorcycle or look at porn on the internet. Three months ago, he says he doesn’t want to go forward with the adoption. Thinking he was just nervous, I postponed our referral process for 6 months. The week after I made that phone call, he announced that he didn’t think he wanted to be married either. Wow! Was I blown away! After all the work I had done on the adoption and after all the lies and deceit I had forgiven and overcome, now he wants to drop this bomb. We went to counseling, but I just felt like it was already over and I decided maybe I needed to pull my head out of his ass and realize he didn’t want me and probably never did. So, I moved out and filed for divorce… Now I am having these Emotional Doubts. I know in my mind that I have made the best possible decision for me, but I miss him and love him so much my heart just aches. I keep calling him and trying to make this work. I can’t seem to stop. Anyway, I just bought your book and I can’t wait to read it. Please let me know if you have any advice to start the healing process. Thank you in advance for your help!! – Angie

Dear Angie:

First of all, my heart goes out to you in this very difficult time. You are hurting in a big way, and you’re confused between your heart and your head. Let me shed a little light – you are smack in the middle of the Temptation to Settle for Less than a truly great relationship. I understand that you feel bereaved, but what you have with J isn’t love, it is addiction. What you’re missing isn’t him but rather, the idea of him, the idealized version of J that you feel in love with but which was never real.

Real love is two people who genuinely care for one another, put each other’s best interests to the forefront, and treat each other with dignity and respect. You don’t have any of that with J, as evidenced by his use of internet porn, his emotional distance, and his lack of desire to be married to you.

What I think you’re dealing with is love addiction. What is that? Basically, it’s a strong attachment to someone who can’t or won’t give you what you need in a relationship. But you keep trying because you feel compelled to do so against all logic and against all the evidence that he is toxic to you. Love addiction is most likely a pattern that you have experienced in some way in past relationships.

I don’t think it’s any accident that you are seeking advice about healing and recovery, because that is exactly what you most need to focus on right now. I encourage you to take a big step back, stop calling him, and focus on getting back your self-esteem, which has taken a beating in this situation. The book will help you with understanding how you got in this mess and how to get out. It teaches you the process of getting your spiritual compass in working order – a vital step in being able to attract a great guy down the road, or release your attachment to a guy who is bad for you.

Going forward: I promise you that if you get on a path of self-care and stay on it, you’ll look back one day and cringe at the idea of trying to make a relationship work with someone who has so little regard for you. As you recover your self worth, you’ll see clearly that this relationship wasn’t meant to be and that a far better one lies ahead of you.

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Entry Filed under: Advice for Women