Take Your Cues But Watch Out For Stalkers
By Nina Atwood
Terry’s word of caution on my blog Temptation: Taking the Lead is on point: “Just a note of caution. I thought I was doing better when I started dating a guy who was crazy about me. Except that my inner gut was telling me very early on that this guy just was,…well,… a train wreck. He called me constantly and became more and more intrusive, possessive and desperate to hold on, feeling entitled to my life and home. One extreme to the other. So just be careful that the guy isn’t too crazy about you. I am now being threatened and stalked, while everyone else thinks he is a great guy “in love” with me!”
There is a huge difference between a great guy who pursues and falls in love with you and a stalker. What’s the difference? The good guy has boundaries. He pursues, but if he sense that you aren’t that into him, he moves on.
The stalker has no boundaries. Your “no” is translated by him as “please continue pursuing.” Your “go away” is heard as “try harder and I’ll let you catch me.”
The stalker is extremely insecure on a core level. He isn’t really pursuing “you” as he has no idea who you are. He is pursuing an image he made up in his head and projects onto you. That image – a false “ideal woman” – is a powerful icon to him. If he can “win” the “ideal woman” then it restores his broken core self-image.
If he can’t, then he feels terribly agitated, fearful of losing control, of discovering that he is nothing. The pursuit behavior helps him feel more in control, but ultimately, when he is unable to succeed, the feelings of adoration turn into feelings of loathing. The stalker then becomes dangerous and may even resort to violence toward his “love object.”
How do you know if a guy has the potential to become a stalker? Easy. Listen to your gut! Early on, say “no” to a couple of dates. Pay attention to his response. If he pouts, makes barbed comments, or pushes too hard, trying to persuade you to change your mind, raise a yellow flag. If he asks you out for repeated dates that are too close together, but can’t take a rain check for some of them, raise another yellow flag.
If he starts telling you he’s in love with you but can’t accept it that you’re not on that emotional page yet, raise a third yellow flag. In short, if it’s all about him, and your feelings don’t matter, it’s red flag time. When you get to the red flag, get out. Gently but firmly disengage, then get ready to deal with the fallout. Stalkers don’t give up easily but thankfully, most of them aren’t violent.
Sometimes it’s hard to spot a stalker early. Because of the potential for danger, this is yet another good reason to pace relationships and put off sex for a long, long time*. Once you sleep with a stalker, it’s extremely difficult to get rid of him because the sex is powerful ”evidence” to him that you are in love with him.
*See Chapters Seven and Eight in Temptations of the Single Girl
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating
