Side-Stepping the Temptation to Settle
By Nina Atwood
Liz, responding to my blog “Can You Change a Commitmentphobe?” is striving to side-step the Temptation to Settle for Less. She also offers encouragement for Jenna, who is heartbroken over her non-committal boyfriend. Thanks, Liz, for writing in the blog! Now I want to address one of Jenna’s comments. She writes:
I’m about to turn 33 and have been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs. He has been promising to get engaged for 2yrs now and nothing. I have 1 final deadline coming up in a month for him to follow through. He is now starting to drop hints that his business is bad and there is too much debt. PLEASE HELP -need advice!!!
He refuses to move in with me and I feel like a fool – everyone is telling me I deserve better and nobody thinks he will keep his promise. I am heartbroken and love him deeply. We have known each other for 12 yrs and he pursued me – to think of all the great guys I passed up to be with him and now I am sinking!
Okay Jenna, I want to give you some reality-checks. First, it is a terrible idea to ask a guy to move in with you who is not ready to propose and set a wedding date. I’m glad he refused because he spared you the further agony of meshing your lives together when he’s not committed to you.
Secondly, your relationship sounds way out of balance – you loving him so deeply while he is backing away and making excuses. Maybe there is a good reason your friends don’t have faith in him. There may be character issues with him that you need to take a close look at before you put on the pressure for him to propose. Commitment is the symptom, sometimes, of other, deeper issues. So setting a deadline for him to propose, while it may get you a ring and a wedding, may not get you the wonderful, loving relationship you crave.
My suggestion is that you step back, remove the deadline, and re-assess. Ask your friends what they see in him – ask for their honesty, even though it may hurt. Carve out some time for yourself to be still and quiet and listen from the most inner-knowing part of you for the answer to this question: Is this guy a man of good character who truly adores you and will uplift you as a woman? The answer to this question will guide you far better than the attachment that you feel. I promise, if he’s not really the best guy for you, you will be able to release the attachment and move on to something far richer and more rewarding.
Have I mentioned that you need to get a copy of Temptations of the Single Girl so you don’t fall into these traps again?
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating
