Take the Lead or Take Your Cues! Part 1 For Men
By Nina Atwood
Confusion abounds when it come to the roles of leader and follower in the dance of dating. The thousands of emails I’ve received over the years from single men and women are full of inquiries about what to do in the early stages of dating.
Women want to know:
- Is it okay to call a guy? When is it okay?
- Is it okay to ask him out before he asks me out? What about later on in the relationship?
- Why does he say he’ll call and then he doesn’t? Is it okay for me to give him encouragement at that point so he’ll call?
Men want to know:
- How do I handle it if she calls me and I don’t yet know how I feel about her?
- What does it mean when she gives me her number, yet when I call she’s too busy to go out?
- Is it okay to ask a girl to hang out instead of taking her out while I’m getting to know her?
The answers to these questions are entirely different depending on who is answering them; myths about dating abound; misinformation is rampant, especially if you rely upon your friends to tell you what to do. What you need are some basic truths about men and women, how we’re wired emotionally, to help you decide how to behave around these key dating issues.
What Men Need to Know About Women
The way women are wired is to seek love; that is the primary driver. To want a loving, committed relationship that leads to marriage and family is completely normal and natural for her. The second major driver for women is to find a man whom she perceives as strong (emotionally, spiritually, financially, and physically) so that she can feel loved, taken care of, and safe. How does she know you’re strong? Your behavior is a huge indicator.
Guys who wait for women to act first may get dates but they are not viewed as strong. When a woman acts first – calls you and asks you out – she quickly begins to feel off-balance unless you take back the lead. If you keep a woman emotionally off-balance she will eventually resent you; she may end the relationship and move on to someone who is more interested in courting her.
I know – it sounds antiquated – but courtship is the name of the A-player game in dating. If you are interested in attracting and keeping a high quality woman, learn how to pursue and court. Here’s how:
Ask for her number when you meet her, then follow up within a couple of days at most. Don’t play games by waiting several days. If you’re interested in her, show her! Call and be prepared to ask her out in advance by at least three, preferrably five or more, days. Have a specific event in mind. If you are strangers, make your first three dates public meetings.
Start with a coffee date, then a lunch date, then a dinner date. Don’t offer to pick her up until you’ve given her plenty of time to check you out and feel safe having you come to her home. Spread out the dates by 3 or 4 days at first so she doesn’t feel overwhelmed. Give her a little time to miss you, but not so much time that she thinks you aren’t interested. Remember that high quality women have lots of opportunities to date, so if you snooze you will lose! On the flip side, if you act desperate, you will turn her off.
Don’t be afraid to court her. If you’re falling for her, show it! Send flowers, send cards, take her out to nice places. But make sure the feelings are reciprocal before you pour on the romance. How can you tell if she’s falling for you? Look at her eyes, her smile. She should be absolutely beaming when she sees you (not always right away, but by the 5th date or so for sure). She’s asking you questions about your life, genuinely interested in everything you have to say. She’s not looking at her watch or checking out the hot waiter. She may not be available 100% of the time, but she makes sure she has time to spend with you.
By being the guy who pursues, who isn’t afraid of taking some risk in the pursuit of a good woman, you’ll be the guy who stands out from the crowd. At the end of the day, a truly wonderful woman will choose a strong man to commit to, even if she’s played around with some of the boys along the way.
Read the next blog entry for What Women Need to Know About Men.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Men,Dating
1 Comment
1. tita | May 2nd, 2008 at 12:08 am
Subject: Changing Roles
There’s a chapter about “Changing Roles” in Be Your Own Dating Service but how come we still talk about off balance if women initiates. Also there’s a page about guys wanting to find out if women to reciprocate? I’m confused.