Temptation: Settling for Less
By Nina Atwood
Dear Singlescoach®:
I met a guy about 2 months ago. I was immediately attracted to him and wanted to get to know him more. He responded positively by encouraging me to work out with him, have dinner or lunch, and started calling me regularly. However, around week two of the new relationship he gave me ‘the talk’. He said he just wanted to be friends because he was trying to spend time focusing on himself and figuring out what he wants for his future. He also gave me a short list of ways we really don’t match. So, I went away believing I wouldn’t hear from him much more. However, since then he calls me at least twice a day, takes me to dinner (he pays) about 4 times a week, and encourages me to meet him at the gym for a workout 3 times a week. We have wonderful conversations for hours at a time whenever we are together. We both talk about how attracted we are to each other. We share our most intimate feelings and past experiences with each other. But, he insists this is just a friendship. I can’t help thinking that this is more than a friendship. The amount of time we spend together combined with the intimate details of our lives that we share are indicative of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship…what to do, what to do? I love this man! – Kathi
More background: he initiates their time together; doesn’t call it a date; usually asks her to meet him rather than pick her up.
Dear Kathi,
You have fallen deeply into the temptation of settling for less than a truly great relationship. You say you love him, yet him calling you his “friend” and the absence of courtship behavior puts you in a terribly out of balance position. The potential is high for you to have a broken heart from this relationship because he has an easy ticket out – after all, he’s told you from the beginning that this is a friendship (translation = “don’t have any expectations or look for a commitment from me.”)
Right now, everything is easy because he’s showing up regularly and frequently, but how are you going to feel when he stops calling because he’s met someone who really rolls down his socks and now he’s dating her? My guess is that you will be angry and hurt and he won’t understand why.
The other problem is that this relationship can’t go anywhere as long as he maintains his stance. A healthy dating relationship moves steadily forward into higher levels of commitment and mutual love. Without that, you are bound to gradually feel more and more off-balance as you fall deeper in love and he stays at arms-length.
I know, I know – your HOPE is that over time he will fall in love with you and this will all work out magically. After all, that’s how it happens in the movies. But the reality is that when a guy plays the friendship card early on it’s because in his eyes there is something important missing. Unfortunately, he’s chosen to get some of his needs met with you (i.e., for companionship and emotional intimacy) while keeping his options totally open. Yes, you can keep this up and hope for a good outcome, but I don’t advise it and here’s why.
A truly great relationship is one in which you share common values and all of the things you are experiencing with this guy BUT with this crucial ingredient: he’s wild about you! He adores you, wants his friends/family to meet you as his “girlfriend,” not his “friend.” He pursues you romantically, not just for companion needs. He sees you as his potential future wife – the love of his life! Isn’t that what you really want, Kathi?
By settling for less than that, you send a powerful message to your unconscious mind that you don’t deserve more. Over time, that results in lower self-esteem, lower personal regard for yourself as a woman. It’s difficult to attract a truly great relationship when you’re tied up in a mediocre one.
My advice to you is not going to be easy for you to implement, yet if you succeed in doing so, you will take a giant leap forward in your personal growth. First, make up your mind – you are not settling! Then, sit down with him and bring up the elephant in the room – the thing you’ve been tiptoeing around because you don’t want to scare him off.
In essence, tell him that you’re uncomfortable spending so much time and sharing at such an intimate level with no future in it. Tell him the truth – that if he wants this level of intimacy, he needs to step up to the plate and admit that you two are dating, make a commitment for exclusivity, and give this relationship a chance.
DON’T – I repeat DON’T try to convince him of anything. Simply speak your truth and let it go. Step back and give him time to digest what you’ve said. Don’t answer the phone for a couple of days – this will give him the experience of missing you. When you do answer, don’t say “yes” to the next invitation until you clarify – “Is this a date?”
If you are willing to stand up for yourself now, you have the possibility of shifting this to a lovely new romance with the possibility of a future. To reinforce the power of this, I want you to buy my new book, Temptations of the Single Girl as quickly as possible and read it! I promise you it will clarify for you why this is so important. Good luck Kathi, and check back in with your results!
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
