Leaving a Non-Committal Love
By Nina Atwood
I’ve recently ended a loving, healthy relationship (after three years of dating) due to my partner’s unwillingness to make a long-term commitment. This was someone I deeply loved who was right for me in many ways, and I am struggling to understand why this has happened and what I need to do to go forward. How do I come to terms with this loss so that my heart is open in the future and I can move on to something even better? – Jennifer
First of all, I acknowledge you for doing something that takes tremendous courage and strength.
Commitment in a long-term relationship is essential to the health and well-being of both partners. Knowing that you are with someone who loves you deeply and who places the relationship at top priority gives you emotional safety to deal with the problems and issues that invariably come up.
Commitment draws a boundary around the relationship, making it a safe refuge from the ups and downs of the world. It says, in essence, that we treasure our connection and are willing to do whatever we can to protect, nurture and maintain it. With that comes a reduction of fear and an increase in safety that allows both people to be themselves, speak their truth, and negotiate their needs with respect and love.
Without a real commitment, fear runs rampant, setting off reactions that act as a destructive force to your connection. If you can’t be really sure that you’re there for each other, firmly anchored in the relationship, then your hearts cannot be open and vulnerable. You will perpetually hold yourselves back, unable or unwilling to really connect, thus starving your relationship of its lifeblood: the love and nurturing that are the whole purpose in being together.
Recognizing that you were not getting that kind of commitment from your partner and ending the relationship sends a powerful message to your unconscious: That you will not accept anything less than a loving, truly committed relationship with a right partner. Even though you are in pain now, you have taken a stand that will move you in the direction of a complete relationship that is everything you want.
When we stop accepting “less than,” we open the door for much more. You certainly have grief and loss to move through. Take the time that you need for this process, reminding yourself frequently that as good as this relationship was, there is another level of rewarding connection that is available when you and your partner are equally committed. Your heart will naturally open up once again as you become solid with the knowledge that you are willing to stand up for yourself, even in the face of tremendous loss, in order to ensure your emotional health and well-being. Trust in yourself, continue to practice self-care, and you will be able to trust others again and thus create an even better relationship in the future.
Copyright ©1997 Nina Atwood, All Rights Reserved
Reprints Only by Written Permission of Nina Atwood
Entry Filed under: Breaking Up
2 Comments
1. Mark | October 27th, 2006 at 1:18 pm
Nina’s article clears up for me the frustration I felt years ago when I dated a woman who I couldn’t seem to get on the same page with. She seemed to enjoy being together, but she was rarely available. She broke dates, showed up late, and on the subject of commitment – well her standard answer was “I’m not ready.” Now I know that these behaviors mean something! I will pay attention early on and MOVE ON! Thank you, Nina, and Singlescoach.
2. Ann | March 19th, 2007 at 12:52 am
I just stumbled upon your blog and it made me think of so many things. I am currently going out with this guy for 7 months. Before it all started we both agreed that it’s going to be a non-committal thing and just enjoy each other’s company whenever we get the chance. I do yearn for that solid relationship where love is actually expressed by words and actions. I am starting to fall hard for this guy but I know for now that won’t be the case. We get along very well and we re perfect for each other in so many ways. I wanted to end it but it’s hard because there’s a part of me that someday… hoping that we’d end up together. Should I let it go and let fate take its course? or should I just make the most of it now and see how it goes?