Dating a Commitmentphobe
By Nina Atwood
Shanice and Samantha are commiserating about the pain of dating a commitmentphobe. They’re not alone – lots of women are facing this. Maybe they didn’t see it coming – mistaking hesitancy to commit for other things (i.e., he just needs more time). However they got there, the pain is real for them.
If you are dating a commitmentphobe, the first step for you is to acknowledge the truth: over his problem you have NO CONTROL. That’s right – NO CONTROL. That means that you absolutely, positively, definitely, and certainly CANNOT FIX IT. No matter how patiently you wait, no matter how much you love him, and no matter how many times you tell him that it hurts you, his problem will still be there.
I’ll go a step further – you are helping him keep his problem. That’s right – you are “enabling” him to continue with his fear of commitment. How? By loving him unconditionally minus a real commitment; by not having your own boundaries; by forgiving him and taking him back after break-ups without any real change on his part. The only reason to ever take him back is if he shows up with a ring, a proposal, and the desire to set a date for the wedding. Anything short of that merely hooks you back into the same old, same old.
The way out of this is to confront the truth: that you cannot change him, nor should you try. Next: that you really do want a committed relationship and that you are no longer willing to accept anything short of that.* Since he’s not giving that, the next step is for you to step back, but really mean it this time.
That’s right – get on with your lives, girls! Move on, move past, move through it – get on with your life! No more enabling him; no more babying him.
Now for the tough part: Adherence. That’s right – stick with it. Don’t get sucked back in just because he gets upset that you left. Stay firm in your resolve to accept nothing less than a committed relationship (after 6 or 7 years, that means an engagement and impending wedding). Sometimes, and I stress SOMETIMES, a guy will come around. The pain of losing you now becomes greater than the pain of making a commitment. If he really and truly sees you as “the one,” he may come around, and you could be getting married soon. If not, then it wasn’t mean to be.
Last but not least, you can’t afford to tell yourself that you’re not ready for marriage, unless you don’t see him as being the right guy for you. By indulging in that conversation – “I’m not ready for marriage” - you will continue to attract non-committal relationships/men. If a relationship is good for you on all levels, then where you are headed is a lifetime commitment (marriage or some other type of signification that you are partners for life). Anything short of that, and your relationship is crippled. It is not possible for a couple to actualize in a relationship that has an open back door.
*Get signed up so that you get one of the first copies of Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid. You’ll learn how to overcome the First Temptation: Denial of Your True Desires (i.e., “I’m not ready for a commitment, so it’s okay for now if he doesn’t commit; we’re dating without any strings attached,” etc.) so that you attract healthy, commitment-ready men!
Entry Filed under: Dating,Relationships
1 Comment
1. Dating a commitmentphobe | July 8th, 2008 at 11:49 am
I love coming across “it’s my way or the highway” articles regarding getting ‘relationships’ right.
I wonder if many women stop to consider the reasons WHY many men don’t want to commit. I’ll give you a few:
1. Many men don’t want to commit because it’s unnatural. One man / one woman is a social standard our society has come to expect. It supports womens interests – not mens. Biologically speaking and in terms of evolution, one man could have, protect and provide for many women at once… and in some parts of the world they still do. The real irony is that some men can protect and provide for multiple women – generally having more valuable genetics worth passing on compared to average guys. So the ‘commitment thing’ not only serves womens interests and goes against mens but also restricts potential genetic improvements through the population.
2. Getting married is a financial and social death senetence for a man. The law is so biased in favour of women that a guy knows once he says “I do” he stands to lose everything if his wife decides to change her mind (not that women do of course). Research suggests that divorce is sought in 2 cases out of 3 by women. This is hardly surprising when children are generally awarded to the female (regardless of how poor a mother she may be) and the finanacial responsibility of taking care of them falls to the father. Not that marriage or the law are biased or anything. Would you be so eager to commit if you thought a change of heart on your boyfriends part would get you evicted from your home, stripped of your children and forced to pay whilst you ex invites another woman into his bed at your expense?
3. Guys don’t like being changed, forced to do things they don’t want to do or being issued with ultimatums. Well, with regards to the ‘commitment driven’ woman that’s just what he puts up with from day to day. At least when he’s only dating he could pack his bags and leave with his dignity and possessions intact. However, each man knows that once married he can look forward to an avalanche of new demands to fit with his new wifes idea of how HIS life should be run. Once married he knows failing to ‘do as he’s told’ could result in divorce (see above).
4. Every guy with an ounce of sense realises that commitment (marriage) to a woman means security. She becomes safe from him choosing another woman (because he’s legally bound not to – on threat of divorce), she becomes financially secure in the knowledge that she will take the lions share if she changes her mind and that if they have kids, they’re hers but his financial responsibility.
5. A womans demand for commitment (security) is directly proportional to her level of personal insecurity. The more demanding the woman, the less she is able to function at a level of companionship instead needing some sort of legal obligation or proof that she actually has control of the relationship. Men sense this and also realise that commitment and marriage are simple band aids for this deep rooted female psychological issue. Men know that the insecurity issue doesn’t go away with marriage… it’s just that they stand to lose even more when the woman realises it too.
So do I hate women – no.
Have I ever been divorced – no.
Did I write this to benefit men – no.
I sincerely hope that it helps some women to realise that they’re blindly pursuing something they don’t really need. If you’re with the right guy you don’t NEED to be married, be controlling or force the relationship to be your way. The more you push the more you back a guy into a corner. If society and the law were fair then I’m sure there would be more guys happy to marry, but reality is reality. When women stop capitalising upon the law by screwing guys financially, using their kids as pawns for a free meal ticket and using whats ‘socially acceptable’ to get their own way – perhaps things will change.
Until then, how about being happy that a guy wants to share his life with you regardless of whether or not you legally have him over a barrel?
It’s not my intention to offend you or get at women in general – because I REALLY LOVE WOMEN! However, I see too many cases where women have needlessly destroyed good relationships through their constant (socially approved) hounding of their guy. If you feel you need control through commitment in your relationship – step back and consider what insecurities are behind it. Don’t make them someone elses problem… sort yourself out first.
Best wishes and good luck with your relationships,
Adam x