Five Bad Reasons to Get Back Together
By Nina Atwood
Melinda hadn’t seen Dwain in four months. Since their breakup, she’s been good; in fact, she’d been great. Yes, she’d grieved at first, a little. Yes, she’d missed having someone to sleep with, go out with, and talk to every day. But not that much.
Dwain, although he had good qualities, wasn’t really her knight in shining armour. He was sweet at times, but then he wasn’t. He was anger waiting for a target. She tired of his harangues about people at work, people on the freeway, people in line ahead of him at the store, and all the crazy people out there in the world. She never knew which button she might inadvertently press and send him off into a tirade. It was exhausting being with him because of the negativity that he spewed. So when she’d finally worked up the nerve to break up, it had been a relief.
Out of the blue, he called. He was sweet as sugar, begging her to go out with him, just as friends. It was a five star evening, complete with flowers and champagne. He was a perfect gentleman; though he gave her a sweet kiss good night, he didn’t pressure her for sex. Two days later, he called again, and again she relented. A month later, she was back into the relationship. Why?
Melinda is dating Dwain again for all the bad reasons that couples reconcile:
- It’s better than nothing and the good parts of the relationship are appealing.
- You’re lonely or needy (missing sex, bonding, and touch).
- Rationalizing: “Maybe I’m being too picky wanting more.”
- More rationalizing: “Maybe I’m the problem; after all, no relationship has ever been quite right for me in the past.”
- It’s really hard to say “no” when someone is in hot pursuit, especially someone with whom you’ve been very intimate in the past.
These are poor reasons to resume emotional (and often sexual) intimacy. There’s no future in a reconciliation unless and until you do the emotional work needed to put the relationship on another course. All you do is re-create the same dynamics you had before and set yourself up for another break-up; this time, more painful because you’ve invested all over again. In the next post, we’ll look at five good reasons to get back together.
Entry Filed under: Relationships
