Commitment Confusion
By Nina Atwood
You’re dating someone really attractive, someone with whom you have high hopes for a long-term relationship, someone you believe could be THE ONE. There’s just one snag. Every time the subject of commitment comes up, you hear a “story” the bottom line of which is: “I’m confused.” Like any loving person, you want to help the object of your affection recover from his/her confusion.
One source of the confusion is lack of clarity about whether or not YOU are the one for this person. But let’s imagine that this is not the issue. You are THE ONE for him or her, but there is still this commitment confusion to deal with. Can you really help this person resolve the confusion?
Commitment confusion comes from F.E.A.R. (false evidence appearing real), supported by stories from the past. “If I get really involved, something could go wrong. Just as I’ve experienced in the past, my heart will be broken. I’ll be abandoned, hurt, wounded. I can’t stand going through that kind of pain again.”
Fear like this, drawing on the past, is like falling off of a horse, then refusing to get back up and ride again, yet continuing to hang out at the stables, longing for the joy of the ride. The longer you put off that next ride, the greater the fear and anxiety, and the less the likelihood that you’ll ever ride again. Fear increases with time and avoidance.
People who have had their hearts broken think they are protecting themselves by avoiding commitment, but in reality they only build more fear while setting themselves up for a greater fall. The commitment confused rarely stop dating. They date, they bond, they fear, they back off, and then the real drama begins, with a high likelihood of two broken hearts.
What can you do about this if you’re dating the commitment confused? Unfortunately, you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time. You will most likely be the transitional person while he/she works through the fear. Post break up with you, the next relationship for that person will likely be the one and you will hear about the wedding announcement.
Is there any hope for a good outcome? Yes, a little. Look for the potential solutions in the next Singlescoach post!
Entry Filed under: Relationships
