What Is a Co-Dependent Relationship?
By Nina Atwood
What is a co-dependent relationship and how do you know if you’re in one? Co-dependent means that you manage your relationship so that one or both of you can maintain unhealthy behavior (whether you realize it or not). For example, one of you drinks to excess. The other avoids taking a stand; i.e., putting your foot down and making it clear that you will not tolerate the behavior. Instead, you nag, complain, whine, manipulate, talk about it endlessly with others, capitulate, get angry, give in, and even join in the behavior (get drunk with them). None of those things is effective. All of those things enable the behavior. The enabling part is that your partner knows that you will not act. Your partner knows that all the crying and griping is the price tag that he/she pays in order to continue the behavior.
But drinking to excess isn’t the only dysfunctional behavior that is enabled in a co-dependent relationship. A partial list includes: over-spending, internet addiction, commitment avoidance, sexual addiction, drug dependency, dysfunctional work habits that result in unemployment, and many more. How do you know if you’re in a co-dependent relationship? It’s easy. Look at the behavior of your partner and how long it’s been going on. Now look at you – are you still with this person? Are you putting up with the behavior? Then you have a problem with co-dependency.
The bottom line in co-dependency is fear of loss. The fearful part of you looks at the situation, dislikes or hates it, but is terrified that if you take a stand, you’ll lose this relationship. Fear of loss immobilizes you, freezes you into a permanent stance of miserable tolerance punctuated by whining, nagging, and angry outbursts.
The recovery from co-dependency is simple but not easy. You must re-focus on YOU. You must tackle the bigger question of what you want in your life, how you want to live, and what will bring joy to you. Then you must embrace the challenge of letting go, of learning how to deal with loss. You must be willing to exchange a thousand little deaths each day for one big loss. You must trust that if you do that, you will re-create your life and attract someone with whom you can experience real joy every day. And yes, there is a chance that by taking a stand for you, your partner will be compelled to change, and you will then re-create your relationship in a healthy pattern that takes care of both of you.
Entry Filed under: Relationships
