Commitment: Handing out Free Passes
By Nina Atwood
When Ava met Connor, she was blown away by the instantaneous, pulse-racing chemistry she felt with him. But from the beginning, he spoke in code, using phrases like “it’s great to get to know someone without any pressure” and “being friends is what’s important” and “I don’t believe in saying I love you because it’s so trite – everyone says it but they don’t mean it.” Meanwhile, they were sleeping together and she was falling madly in love.
It took Ava months to crack the code, but she finally realized that what he was saying was “I don’t want to make a commitment.” Ava was reluctant to challenge Connor’s code-speak out of fear that he would break up with her. She also bought his story - hook, line, and sinker – of being so hurt from past relationships that he needed a huge runway before making another commitment. So she gave him a free pass – all the love and devotion in her heart she freely gave, expecting no commitment in return.
Why the free pass? In a nutshell, the twin demons of attachment and fear. Almost as soon as Ava slept with Connor, her attachment to him zoomed up to the level of a committed relationship. Right alongside that attachment came the fear – fear that if she didn’t step right, avoid pressuring him, and just be a sunny, adorable girlfriend, he might leave.
Of course, over time this left Ava devastated. Connor never had to do the work of winning her heart because she handed it out immediately without any boundaries. That into which we put no effort is usually perceived as less valuable, so he de-valued her as a girlfriend. Thus, he never made the jump to thinking of her as marriage material. Nine months into their relationship, Connor met Julie, a beautiful and strong woman who took the posture of “show me who you are before I give myself to you.” He broke up with Ava, and a year later married Julie. Bottom line: Giving out free passes on the issue of commitment sets you up for heartbreak.
Entry Filed under: Dating
