How Do I Stop Attracting Unavailable Men?

 By Nina Atwood

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By Nina Atwood

I have a long history of choosing men who are emotionally unavailable in some way. In your recent relationship training, you stated that we choose unavailable partners because we are ourselves unavailable in some way. How am I being unavailable, and how can I change this pattern so that I can attract a Northbound Train?  – Cathy

If you’re over the age of 20, you have some emotional baggage, to one degree or another. Some have more than do others, and it tends to get heavier as we get older and have successive relationships and/or marriages that end.

If we haven’t released that baggage, it can have the effect of making us more cautious, even fearful, of relationships. Whether conscious or not, the thoughts go something like this: “I don’t want to ever be hurt that way again. I gave my heart completely to someone and look what happened! It’s just too painful to love someone that much and take the risk of loss.” The next step, conscious or not, is to surround our hearts with emotional armor. Then, when we begin to date again, we unconsciously veer away from those who are emotionally available and ready for a commitment and toward those who are not. It just feels more comfortable to be with someone who is also hesitant in some way.

If you want to release the emotional baggage and be able to attract someone new and available, begin by bringing to consciousness your own fears of being in a committed relationship. Imagine yourself in a relationship and then ask yourself the question: “What am I afraid of?” When I’ve done this exercise with clients, they have surprised themselves by coming up with items such as:

• being controlled
• being dominated
• losing control over my own life
• having to take care of someone else
• having to give up my  career/money/possessions
• losing my connection to my family/children/friends
• losing my cherished independence
• surrendering my valuable alone time
• settling for less than what I really want
• having to get divorced again
• going through another loss
• being disappointed
• having to take the risk that they might leave me
• being abandoned
• change, as in lifestyle, living space, daily habits

As you can see, the list can be endless! Create your own list of fears, then go back to the beginning and examine each one. Ask yourself: Is this real, or is this imagined? (Hint: You know it’s real if you can touch it, feel it, or taste it. A chair is real, “disappointment” is not; it is a state of mind/feeling.) Someone once said that fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real, meaning that most of what we fear is that which we imagine will occur, and which usually doesn’t happen.

Life gives us experience, and so far, we have managed everything that has come our way, otherwise we wouldn’t be here today. Relationships afford the richest, most soul-satisfying experiences, the ones that most powerfully propel us into personal growth. To live in fear of connection, to opt out of relationships for whatever reason, is to deny ourselves those experiences that most profoundly define us as human beings. For what purpose are we given life if not to love and to be loved?

So, discover your fears, bringing them out of the closet and into the light. Examine them, embrace them, express them, and find ways to release them. Set yourself free in the process: Free to open your heart to love once again, and again and again, if that is what it takes. Never give up on this process, it is lifelong and must be maintained always, especially once you are in a relationship.

Copyright ©1999 Nina Atwood, All Rights Reserved
Reprints Only by Written Permission of Nina Atwood

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Entry Filed under: Dating