Dangling Date Potential: How to Handle
By Nina Atwood
There are two reasons guys say “I’ll call you” instead of setting up a definite date. Reason one: he doesn’t know good dating protocol. In his mind, you have a date and he’ll call that day to firm up the time and location. He hasn’t learned that this is enormously frustrating to a woman, as it leaves her dangling and uncertain.
Reason two: he likes to keep his options open and doesn’t like to commit. That way, he can always say later that you didn’t have definite plans and “something came up.” If you fall for that, he’s got you on the hook again for another potential date if his better options don’t materialize. Unwillingness to nail down specifics signals ambivalence – about you and possibly about getting into a serious relationship. If you let him get away with this, you give your power away. You dangle off-balance and uncertain while he gets to choose the terms of your encounters. This is a poor way to begin a relationship.
What can you do to avoid this scenario? Take back your power – here’s how. When he says, “I’ll call you,” you answer this way: “Why don’t we go ahead and decide the details now?” If he’s a “reason number one” guy, he’ll gladly comply. Maybe he doesn’t yet know which restaurant or the time the show starts, but he should be able to solidly commit that you’re going out Saturday night and there will be an event.
If he’s a “reason number two” guy, be ready for this one – “I need to figure out what we can do and call you later with the details.” Here’s your answer to that – “That’s great; when do you think you can get back to me with the details so that I can plan accordingly?” If he says, “later in the week – I don’t know” (i.e., more ambivalence), try one more time with this – “How about we agree on an approximate time and you can give me the details later?” If he balks on setting an approximate time, or can’t make some kind of definite statement that Saturday night is your night to be together, that’s your signal to go to Plan B.
Plan B is this: “I’m not comfortable with not knowing if we have a date or not on Saturday night, so why don’t we just agree that we don’t unless I hear differently from you later. If you decide to call later and ask for a date with a specific event and time to get together, and if I’m still available, great!”
Sound harsh? Only if you’re used to being a doormat. If you’re ready to change the way men treat you, be willing to do something that may feel uncomfortable at first. Guys who respect women will respond positively. Guys who are not serious about a relationship will disappear. Let those chips fall where they will!
Entry Filed under: Dating
