Dancing and the Art of Pursuit
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I am a 40-something male who has never married or been in a committed relationship. When I ask why all my friends married and I didn’t, all I can think of is that in some sense, I never learned how to pursue a woman. I’m used to being a loner. The desire is there to have a soulmate, but I’m not in the situations to meet attractive, available people and I fear I didn’t learn the skills or get the experiences I should have gotten 20+ years earlier. But I’m turned off by overly aggressive women who come on way too fast as well. But being in any situation where I’m having to lead others, especially women, feels awkward like having to use my left hand in everything. Any thoughts? – Randall
Dear Randall: I’ve heard similar stories from other men, so you are not alone. You are in a catch-22: you’re inexperienced in the art of pursuit, but uncomfortable with women who might pursue you, so a relationship is unlikely to occur unless you change the paradigm on one side or the other. Which is worst to you at this point? The thought of having to learn how to pursue, or the thought of letting a woman pursue? Whichever scenario you choose, you will need to develop some new “emotional muscles.”
Just like your body that needs regular activity to stay in shape, your emotions also need regular workouts in order to be healthy. The only way to do that is to practice. The question is: where can you practice? You need a safe arena in which to practice the art of pursuit without undue pressure or fear of rejection. One place where I’ve seen men develop lots of confidence is learning ballroom dancing. Dance is a place where you experience “safe touch” – dance for the sport of it, not for romance. Also, ballroom dance requires that you learn how to lead, and as your body develops the muscle memory of leading in the dance (remember, a safe place where you won’t be rejected), your emotions will also learn and develop.
The art of pursuit is a vital skill for men to learn at some point. Women are wired to love being pursued, and men are wired to do it, so when you try to bypass that paradigm, you get relationships that are not satisfying to either party. Studies show that one of the least happy marital dynamics is the one in which the woman leads (resentfully) and the man follows (resentfully). Yes, there are those extremely rare marriages in which the woman leads and both partners like it that way. Leadership, not control, is the name of the game, and it is typically the most comfortable role for the man.
Let me be very clear for women reading this post: the woman’s role of following in the relationship dance is NOT a passive role. It is very active and requires a strong sense of who you are and what you want, as well as the ability to push back firmly when warranted. When he leads (calls, initiaties, sets up dates, etc.) and she follows (overjoyed that he called, “yes!”), with maybe a bit of steering now and then (“no, I’m not ready for sex; not until we have a committed relationship”) it tends to work for everyone.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Men,Dating,Relationships
3 Comments
1. MB | December 6th, 2013 at 8:32 pm
Nina, when you say that the man should lead, do you mean that he has to make all the decisions in the relationship? Also, does that mean that women can never initiate sex, can not make more money than their husband or have the bigger career? Also, does that mean that even when the relationship is established, the woman and man can’t make decisions as equals about what to do on a date?
2. MB | December 6th, 2013 at 8:41 pm
Nina, you talked about marital dynamics where the woman leads and the man follows. I have never seen any marriage where the woman really is in charge. The culture won’t allow it.
She may make most of the day-do-day decisions for the family, but she’s usually also doing most of the housework. She may make more money than her husband, but her neighbors are constantly watching to see if she “emasculates” him. Our culture frowns so much on women’s leadership that it will never really let her lead the relationship.
I suspect that the woman in these “female led” marriages is disgusted because her husband isn’t pulling his own weight. She has the responsibilities of leadership without the prestige and authority of leadership. She is also doing most of the housework and childcare.
Instead of always talking about getting the man to lead and the woman to follow, talk about building an egalitarian relationship where both partners trade off the lead and follow.
I have no problem with starting off a relationship with the old fashioned Jack and Jill roles, especially since we’re usually starting off as strangers. But as the relationship grows, we need to be equal leaders.
3. Nina Atwood | January 14th, 2014 at 12:17 pm
To clarify for MB and others, when I talk about the art of pursuit and a man’s role in taking the lead, I am referring mainly to the courtship phase of a new relationship. I’m all over egalitarian relationships, my marriage being an example of that. But in dating, both men and women fare better if initially the man pursues and the woman allows him to do so. Men are wired more strongly to be the pursuer (in order to “win” the love of a good woman) and women are wired to deeply appreciate being pursued (and to gain needed emotional security as a result). Both men and women need to love and be loved, so it’s natural to shift over time into a flow of give and take. Of course, in a committed relationship both partners make decisions and take action, take the lead in some areas and yield it in others. There’s no prescription for that – you have to communicate and negotiate your roles over time. That said, this is a singles site, and my writing here is geared toward coaching on the foundational behaviors that help you establish long-term, healthy loving relationships.