Breaking Up: Lies, Excuses, and Truths
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I just read Internet Dating for the Savvy Single – AWESOME. Packed with common sense dating advice. I am trying to get back to dating but I am having trouble getting over my last relationship. We met on a dating site and instantly clicked – rare. We had an eight month relationship which was fantastic. I got a STD test and found out I have HSV-1. Asymptomatic – I have NEVER in my life had a cold sore so I was shocked by the results. Needless to say my girlfriend told me that the HSV-1 was a deal-breaker. I offered to take suppression meds - Valtrex - so it would minimize her risk. She wouldn’t do it and broke it off. This one is taking me longer than usual to get over due to the fact that there was nothing really wrong with the relationship. Any suggestions on how to overcome this, or just let time do its thing. – Mitchell
Dear Mitchell: I have known TONS of people over the years with the herpes virus, all in loving relationships or having no trouble dating. I’m so sorry your girlfriend broke up with you like that, but the truth is, she was going to break up anyway. For whatever reason, the relationship wasn’t working for her, and that gave her the “out” she needed so she wouldn’t have to tell you the full truth. People who love one another and envision a life together just do not break up over something like that that is so manageable. The only thing I recommend for you is to dig a little deeper and look at what was really wrong between you two, because there was something else. Most likely it was as basic as this: She just wasn’t that into you. Liked you, felt affection for you, thought you were a “neat guy,” etc. But she wasn’t really in love with you. It happens, and it is NO REFLECTION on your value and worth.
People often lie about the real reasons for breaking up. This is due to the false perception that telling the truth (“I don’t love you”) is more painful than a little white lie such as “I can’t handle the fact that you have herpes.” The bottom line is this: people stay when they love you and are committed to the relationship. They leave when they don’t love you, are no longer committed to the relationship, and/or when they feel terribly hurt by something you have done. In your case, Mitchell, you didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t love you.
Do not let this experience put you off of dating or make you fearful about telling someone new about the herpes. My coaching is this: get back out in the game, sooner rather than later. Fear can become your nemesis, and it’s for nothing. Relationships are risky because you don’t know if someone is going to love you back. But they are worth it! So get off your b*** and get back out there! There is a wonderful woman out there who is going to make you instantly forget this girl. But you’ve got to go looking for her. Use the coaching from the book to jump-start your dating life, both with internet dating, and with being open to meeting someone new in daily life.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Men,Advice for Women,Breaking Up,Dating,Relationships
