You Just Wanna Be Friends? Why Didn’t You Say So?
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: As a single 42 year old male in Dallas, I have found this to be the single most frustrating aspect of dating, especially among women who are a bit older. I understand that women don’t want to hurt a man’s feelings. Wouldn’t it be better to say to man you are not attracted to, simply “I like you as a friend but not as someone for a committed relationship” or “I just ended a frustrating relationship, let stay in touch.” This way both parties move forward quickly with their search for a more compatible companion. I have met some wonderful women in Dallas who have all the qualities for committed relationship but they can’t build on prior dysfunctional relationships and grow as a person. Even though I want to help them, I don’t want to inherit their problems. If a woman said me “I had a prior boyfriend who treated me badly and I learned this about myself,” I wouldn’t judge her harshly but see this as a positive. Sadly, I have found that women get stuck in their emotional baggage and can’t get past this even though they deserve better. I care more about a woman’s outlook for the future and knowing what she wants in a relationship……not being a therapist to someone who been treated badly. Nina, why do women do this to themselves? My only regret is not marrying my college girlfriend when dealing with such emotional issues was so much easier. It is spilt milk now and I make do. Is there an easier way for a nice single male in Uptown to find a well adjusted professional woman who is not burdened by past hurts? – Nate
Dear Nate: In the scope of your question there are three issues: 1. dating with integrity, 2. women’s emotional baggage, and 3. your own emotional baggage. I prefer coaching the person who is asking the question, since neither you nor I can do anything about other people’s choices and behaviors. So I’ll make this about you and your choices – that’s something you can work on.
Women who date with integrity give the straight scoop to the men they go out with. If there’s no chemistry, or if it’s too soon for her to make a commitment, she tells it like it is, just as you outlined. But not everyone is emotionally mature enough to do that. Here’s the thing: you need to develop your own radar so that you are not spending too much time with a woman who’s either not that into you or who has too much emotional baggage (see below). On the chemistry part, you should be able to tell if she’s into you: she gazes into your eyes, smiles a lot, moves her body toward you not away from you, welcomes the touch of your hand while talking; think of it as temperature: is it hot, warm, cool or cold when you’re with her? Anything less than warm and you’re with someone who just wants companionship that night (i.e., a dinner date) but isn’t into you. Hot you should not expect until many dates down the road unless she is emotionally desperate (i.e., too intense about getting involved with SOMEONE, anyone).
Emotional baggage, hers and yours, is the real issue here. There is carry on luggage, and then there are steamer trunks. You can detect the amount of her emotional baggage with one question: “How long since your last relationship, and how did it end?” Then, sit back and listen, not only to what is being said but to what is not being said. You need to practice asking this question on second, or at the latest third dates, and fine-tuning your radar so that you can detect the red flags: anger, bitterness, despair, blaming, and the worst – unrequited love.
Your own emotional baggage is regret: you didn’t marry someone special back in college, so you’re still carrying around a bit of the “one who got away” syndrome. You may tend to reflect on that relationship and idealize it in your mind’s eye, but the reality is that you have no idea how it would have turned out had you married her. It’s time to say good-bye to that memory and focus on today.
In dating, it really is a process of trial and error. You need to be going out with lots of new women on a regular basis; you can accomplish this by joining at least two online dating services and really working the program. By practicing – being on the playing field of dating a lot – you learn more about yourself and about women. Be ready to say “next!” to yourself and move on quickly when it’s not right. Don’t focus on what she did or didn’t do right, or what she failed to say that would have had more integrity. People do what they do, and all it does is inform you that this person may not be right for you. Get good at moving on without resentment when it’s not, and you’ll change your own energy about dating, thus becoming more attractive to emotionally available women.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Men,Dating,Relationships
1 Comment
1. Nate | February 7th, 2010 at 12:58 pm
” If there’s no chemistry, or if it’s too soon for her to make a commitment, she tells it like it is, just as you outlined. But not everyone is emotionally mature enough to do that”
The question is why do most women do this, especially older women in their late 30s or 40s. As I get older, women seem more indecisive or more in need of therapy. Or maybe the emotionally mature get taken off the market and I am left picking up the pieces of dysfunctional women. Often this women has all the right qualities but get in their way by despondently clinging to past baggage. Privately, I want to scream “Get over it or go see a therapist…..I am not Dr Phil.” It seems that I am always attracting two dysfunctional types of women my age:
1) Daddy’s little girl who either desperately seeks attention or a “sugar” daddy of a boyfriend. Many have “golddigger” qualities that are not attractive. This is a problem in the Dallas Uptown dating world.
2) The smart, sensitive, and shy women who has been hurt in the past but can’t move pass the hurt.
Type 1 can be playful and fun but will never settle down. Their life is a frivious exercise of social events never builting meaningful relationships. In terms of Type 2, I feel sorry for this women and often want to help. However, it is just too much trouble but don’t want the anguish. Therefore, I have found that available women who are 5-15 younger than I are less likely to have these problems. They are a fresh canvas emotionally.
In terms of my personal issues, I tend to be sensitive to the feelings of those who I date. The important issue for me is that had to go back to school given my professional background and the economic situation for a PhD. My fear is most women will say: “he’s 42 and in school, what’s the problem.” I am self conscious about this because most women will want someone who is more financially grounded even though I have a professional job while attending school but the compensation is not great.