When Dating and Marriage Don’t Go Together Like a Horse and Carriage
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: Is there anything wrong with dating just for the fun of dating? Yes, I understand the partner should not be misled. Generally speaking, it sounds as if you feel that if a relationship is not headed toward marriage, it should be over. – Brian
Brian: People date for all kinds of reasons: For companionship, for intimacy, to look for a significant partner, and yes, for fun. There’s nothing wrong with dating for fun – it’s human nature to seek companionship in life, to enjoy being with another with no particular goal in mind.
On the other side of the coin, there are relationship dynamics that are critical to keep in mind as you socialize and date. One important concept is that of attachment, meaning the energy which binds us to particular individuals. Social scientists have long studied this phenomenon as it relates to parent/child bonding and mate bonding. The upshot is this: Given enough time together, almost any two individuals will bond in some way. Add some chemistry, some intimacy, both emotional and sexual, and the bonding intensifies. Thus, even two people who don’t particularly like each other can become attached.
Once couples become attached, it is difficult to break off because then there is a loss followed by the prospect of being alone once again. So, if you are dating someone with whom you see no future, and you become attached, you may find yourself in the position of being bonded with the wrong person. While it isn’t impossible to extricate yourself from this situation, it is certainly painful. Thus, I advise people to be wary of prolonged dating relationships with wrong partners.
It’s far better to date with an eye always toward the future, asking ourselves what we truly want and then setting our intentions toward having that kind of person and relationship. We spend time with those who are true possibilities and we pass by those with whom we do not feel a deep connection. When we do find someone with whom we connect in mind, heart, spirit, and body, then we nurture that relationship and guard it carefully. Strong, loving relationships are a treasure, and don’t we all deserve to save our hearts for the real gold?
Yes, dating can be fun, and some dating should be “just for fun.” But dating is also serious business, as it is primarily about the search for a right partner in life. It should be treated with respect and never too lightly. The decisions we make today and the people with whom we connect will alter the course of our lives, and it’s wise to pay attention to the direction in which these choices are moving us.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Men,Advice for Women,Dating,Marriage,Relationships
