Taking the Friend Out of Friendship and Making it Something More
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I have been spending time with a man for about six months. We’ve had lunch, gone to sporting events, etc. Sometimes he asks, sometimes I ask (I asked first). We started out in a business relationship. I’m attracted to him so I would be interested in our friendship developing romantically. I don’t know how to let him know without making things uncomfortable if he doesn’t feel the same way. - Carole
Carole: I hear stories like this from women a lot. Your biggest temptation here is to take the lead and cheat yourself out of the experience of being pursued. But before we go there, let’s look closely at him. There are basically two possibilities, assuming that he’s heterosexual and unattached romantically to anyone else. One: that he’s attracted to you also but is afraid to make the first move. Two: that his feelings for you are friendship only.
In scenario two, if you tell him you’re interested romantically, he will probably feel uncomfortable for a while and maybe even be a little distant. Eventually, though, if he values the relationship, he’ll want to resume your friendship. The way you communicate your feelings will make a difference also.
In scenario one, if he hasn’t made a romantic overture yet it’s probably because he doesn’t think you’re attracted to him. In that case, telling him that you are will free him to pursue you romantically. The caveat is this: it’s highly unlikely that he is attracted and hasn’t made a move, especially since you are attracted to him. Most men pick up on that and make the moves. Still, for your own peace of mind, you will probably want to have the conversation. Below is a suggested script.
“Bob, we’ve been spending time together for quite a while on a regular basis and I want you to know that I value your friendship very much. No matter how this conversation goes, I still want to be your friend first and foremost, as well as keeping a good working relationship. Lately, I’ve begun to notice you in a different way, and I have started to wonder what it would be like to explore the possibility of a romantic relationship. I don’t know what your feelings are, but I wanted you to know that if you’re interested in me that way, it’s okay with me. If you find that you’re not, I hope you won’t be put off by this conversation. It’s not a big deal at this point and it’s no problem for me to continue as a friend and business associate. I promise you won’t hurt my feelings by telling me the truth.”
Once you’ve expressed this in a non-threatening way, let it drop and continue to act the way you normally do. If he’s interested, he’ll pick up the ball and run with it. At that point, it’s important to let him do the pursuing. Yes, be a reciprocal partner as this maintains a balance of energy that is vital to the health of the relationship. But if you begin changing over to romantic, hold back just a little until you see that he’s really interested and not just being nice or trying for the sake of trying. Also, you may want to reconsider the business relationship as it could be very complicated to try to do both.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating,Relationships
1 Comment
1. Melwin | April 27th, 2010 at 7:56 pm
many people have a crush on a friend and it is a good idea to go ahead and take it ahead!
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